Can this family issue be fixed?

[KellyHabersham]

*Something I've been wanting to post about for awhile, but really couldn't because the legal issues weren't sorted out yet......not asking for advice so much as wanting others opinions on if this family situation can ever be healed*

To make it short - ever July 4th holiday, my family goes to our cabin in northern Arizona, and this year we had around seventeen people there. A few weeks after the trip, my sister's older daughter came out with a story about my daughter being "inappropriate with her*. I understand that parents are obligated to report this sort of thing, but the problem was that Heather (my daughter) did NOT do what it was claimed she did.

Needless to say, this has caused a LOT of hard feelings within the family......nobody who was there that weekend believes my niece's story, and my sister & her husband were/are not happy about this. "Rick" appeared by conference call at the last court hearing, and really trash-talked Heather........mentioned some of the poor choices which she had made in the past, but made it sound like they were recent issues. He also was very adamant that Heather should be registered as a sex offender, and hinted that she needed to be taken from my custody. ((fortunately, neither of which is going to happen)

Anyhow, there's a lot which I'm probably leaving out about this, but I'm wondering if it IS ever possible that one day the family could be on good terms again. (not that I want this, its more for my moms sake because she misses her other grandkids)

[dawnfire]

Personally if it was my kid being accused, I wouldn't want to associate with them ever again.

[AccountingDrone]

Divorce the members of your family that are jackasses, only socialize with the ones that are decent folks. Sucks, but just because you have a blood tie to someone does not mean that you have to have anything to do with them. They have done nothing to *be* family, they are toxic. It sucks, but if you want your sanity and your daughter and a peaceful existence, you may have to sever ties and give up mass family reunions. I have a couple cousins I refuse to see because of drug addiction issues that cause them to be sneak thieves and liars, so I have to see the rest of that part of the family when they are not around. [Caught them more than once creeping into my car and stealing stuff to sell for drugs. After the 4th time of being stolen from and dozens of lies about all sorts of things including the money they "borrowed" from my purse in the locked car, goodbye Jones girls.]

[Sarah Valentine]

I agree, distance yourselves from the ones that are making/defending the false accusations. Does the accuser have a history of lying, being over dramatic, being manipulative, or turning a small argument/misunderstanding into a huge big deal?

[KellyHabersham]

I agree, distance yourselves from the ones that are making/defending the false accusations. Does the accuser have a history of lying, being over dramatic, being manipulative, or turning a small argument/misunderstanding into a huge big deal?

Not with the lying or being manipulative, but the rest of that, yes - one example being that during a miniature golf game last summer, the said niece threw a huge fit because she was having a hard time with it and wanted to quit. (I wasn't there, but my daughter filmed this on her Ipod)

And this is also a really touchy subject because someone we all knew in high school recently had her kids taken away because her then-husband was molesting the two older girls, and she'd failed to report it. (which I'm not going to get into, except that I know that's one reason my sister and her husband were/are so touchy about this)

[Sarah Valentine]

What the hell could've made her so mad that she wants to ruin you and your daughters lives, what the hell is her problem thinking that making a false accusation like that is ok? You and the other people that know the truth should make damn clear that it's the truth and that your niece is lying her ass off, it just makes me sick that people would lie about shit like this because it makes it so much harder for people who actually have been victimized to come forward.

[Shangri-laschild]

It can be tricky and it depends on what you mean by fixed. My uncle (aunt A's husband) was accused of exposing himself to my cousin who I believe was 8 or so at the time. He claimed she walked in on him changing and he immediately covered up. Her mom (aunt B) claimed it was more than that. Most of us didn't believe that he had done it. I still don't know if he did or not but aunt B does not speak to aunt A or her husband anymore. Maybe 3 years later when he and I were alone one night, he said enough inappropriate things to me to the point where I thought he was going to try something physical. I was about 21 or 22 at the time so it's not necessarily a pattern type thing. The idea of ever being near my uncle again terrified me and is still not something I'm comfortable with. He never denied what happened but aunt A stopped talking to everyone as a result.

As of this year, my mom and aunt A talk sometimes and I have been there during skype conversations they have had. She has even talked to me during them though we don't discus what happened. My mom is fine with my uncle when he pops on but acknowledges that I do not want to be present if he is there. I don't know if aunt A talks to any other family members but if she does, it is rare and no one discusses what happened. I know it's not quite the same situation as in mine, the accusations were true and I'm on the other side of it. There also wasn't any court involvement in our case. I do think it's possible for it to be gotten past but for the most part it either has to be dropped or one side has to give in or it is in bits and pieces where there is some mending but the whole group will never be able to all be together in a group.

[KellyHabersham]

Sarah Valentine - I've got many theories on that, but the main one is that "Patty" resents me for not being the older sister she'd wanted & expected to have. I had a lot of issues growing up which neither she nor our brother shared, and she resented my getting extra attention/help for that. I also feel that our mom tolerated/ignored a lot of things as we were growing up, and that's why Patty feels its okay to act that way now.


Shangri-laschild - It's very true about the whole family not being able to get together in a group......my sister's family got a "no contact" order regarding my daughter back in September, and I think that continues until Heather turns 18. Meanwhile, the family members who are aware of the situation don't feel comfortable around my niece.

[patiokitty]

It sounds a bit to me like the family members who don't feel comfortable around your niece may be worried that they'll find themselves on the end of a false accusation next. Could be that they already have found themselves in that situation but were able to prove that they could not have done what the niece accused them of. I have a family member like that now - none of us trust her to tell the truth even if her life depended on it. I avoid her like the plague she is to give her lies about me less weight.

[Sarah Valentine]

It sounds a bit to me like the family members who don't feel comfortable around your niece may be worried that they'll find themselves on the end of a false accusation next.

I know from having to deal with it that if a person has no problem making a false accusation like that they will not hesitate to do it again, they will tell smaller more believable lies to make the big more obvious lie stick. Anyone that tries to out the liar for what they are will have to be very careful and not trust them for a second and avoid them otherwise they will be accused of something equilly horrible if not worse, I've seen it happen in my own family. Please be careful and keep your guard WAY up when dealing with her or anyone taking her side on this.

[patiokitty]

I know from having to deal with it that if a person has no problem making a false accusation like that they will not hesitate to do it again, they will tell smaller more believable lies to make the big more obvious lie stick. Anyone that tries to out the liar for what they are will have to be very careful and not trust them for a second and avoid them otherwise they will be accused of something equilly horrible if not worse, I've seen it happen in my own family. Please be careful and keep your guard WAY up when dealing with her or anyone taking her side on this.

Been there, done that. It's worse when the particular family member is your own mother. And people wonder why I want nothing to do with her, well, it's because of her lies concerning me. People do eventually realize how full of shit she is when they finally meet me and can judge for themselves what sort of person I truly am. But it means that any dealings I have with her are few and far between, and as they happen entirely online now I make sure to copy the conversation and save it. That is one of the reasons I moved across the country from her - to not have to directly deal with her lies and bullshit.

[KellyHabersham]

A sort-of update to this......apparently my sister has recently made a comment on Facebook about "the pervert confessed and I don't want anything to do with the rest of my family....". (found this out because the daughter of a family friend is Facebook friends with "Patty", and her mom mentioned this on the phone to my mom)

Which is NOT exactly what happened - my daughter pled to a different/lesser charge because, for various reasons, it was better to avoid this going to trial. And unfortunately, this means the family is not likely to be reunited anytime soon.......not until my sister's kids are old enough to seek out relationships with relatives on their own.

[gremcint]

Basically this kind of accusation is very hard to come back from, it will only happen if someone admits to lying and publicly. The only other thing that might work is that a long time form now it becomes something that nobody talks about.

[anakhouri]

I don't think you want to be reunited with these people, and it's not your job to keep your mom happy. Yapping about a legal matter involving a minor on Facebook? Keep it classy, Patty.

Just curious, are the other members of your family still supporting your daughter?

[KellyHabersham]

I don't think you want to be reunited with these people, and it's not your job to keep your mom happy. Yapping about a legal matter involving a minor on Facebook? Keep it classy, Patty.

Just curious, are the other members of your family still supporting your daughter?

I'm sorry that it's taken me awhile to get back to you on this - the answer to your question is "yes", regarding those who were on the trip where this supposedly happened, or who are aware of the situation. (might sound complicated, but since Patty has unfriended/blocked people on Facebook, we don't know who she remains in touch with)

Anyhow, I guess Patty sent my mom a text the other day, saying she was going up to the cabin sometime in June to get her stuff, and some comments about how she was the perfect daughter, sister,....etc. (mom wouldn't tell me exactly what she said, but I found that highly amusing)