Myself: Part 2

[BlaqueKatt]

I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of wallowing in the fact that I am a failure. I'm tired of being unable to pull myself up to the point where I can work towards not being a failure.

7 billion people on this planet, and I have not a single person that cares if I live or die, not a single person I can call and say "want to catch a movie/talk?", I haven't left the house except for work, in almost 3 years.

No friends.

No family.

That is being a failure(welcome to my life), you have people that care, I have a cat that's dying of cancer, so I'm not even going to have that soon. Not trying to be bitchy, but depression can make you not see what you do have, which is more than some of us have.

[blas87]

My medication has helped it so everything that used to hurt me so much....hurts less. I still experiene plenty of disappointment or letdowns, but I've come to expect them, so it's almost like I care a lot less and can cope easier.

[protege]

Jaden, don't be so hard on yourself. I know what it's like to have depression. It sucks. Is there anything that you like to do, that could take your mind off of things? For example, I build models, mess around on the computer, work on the car, anything to keep my mind from sitting idle. That seems to be when I start having those sort of thoughts.

[Jaden]

Yeah, I tried it for about 22 years. It didn't work for me any better.

[HYHYBT]

Have you tried *not* drinking?

[Jaden]

God, I am pathetic.

It was almost a year ago when I first started coming back here. Where am I now? I have a shitty job, which is an improvement over no job...but overall, I have not really improved. I am on medication which has stabilized my mood somewhat, but really. I spend most of my time wondering about everything I've done wrong. All the things I've said or done...I used to have ambitions, somewhere, a long time ago. I've failed at everything I've ever striven for. I wanted a career, and I couldn't overcome myself to keep working towards that - I had to drop out of school for my depression. I wanted a girl, more than anything, but despite everything that transpired between us, I can't have her either.

I am such a cliche. Sitting here drowning myself in alcohol and chain smoking =/ I don't even like cigarettes...but they help calm my nerves when I've been drinking and God knows I need as much of that as I can get. Fuck.

I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of wallowing in the fact that I am a failure. I'm tired of being unable to pull myself up to the point where I can work towards not being a failure.

I'm just...so...tired