When do you give the talk

[rahmota]

had an interesting situation today. i was waiting around to pick the kids up from school and talking to some of the other parents. The subject came around to how it seems like the girls are developing sooner and sooner and how the kids need to be aware of whats going on sooner.

Well one parent quite vociferously objected to that as she said children do not need to learn about sexual matters until they are adult enough to handle it. (I did smart off in respnse and say in that case there are some adults who shouldnt know about sex, got quite a few laughs) Um I feel thats a very very bad attitude to have.

Why do I feel that. Well it does seem to be true that girls (and boys) are hitting puberty sooner. Some of the girls in my son's 5th grade class are rather "developed" already. He has definately noticed this. I would like him to be aware of the risks, and dangers as well as the joys and pleasures that await sexually. I would also like him to have factual answers to question that way he doesnt wind up thinking something like coke is a spermicide or other street tales.

It also gives me a chance to try and make him understand that there is a moral and ethical responsibility to acting on the feelings the body is producing. That no means no. That a girl is more than just a body she has a mind there too and that to enjoy one is to enjoy the other. And most importantly of all to have patience and be ready to accept responsibility as there is always the chance for an accident. And that is an accident that is not able to be done over or resolved easily.

So what do you think? I mean I grew up in a household where communication about all subjects was common and comfortable. I realize that some people are not comfortable talking about sex, but that in my opinion just leads to repressed feelings and misinformation/understanding. I'm not saying to go out and have wild jungle love but to know and be ready and above all else responsible for their own actions. I mean it took me until I was 21 to find the one who was compatible with me enough to take that last step. But I knew the facts of life since I was 12 so thats why I didnt feel the need to rush and make a mistake.

[Rapscallion]

I suspect it depends on the child involved. That sort of judgement call is part of parenting.

Rapscallion

[rahmota]

True Raps: but the way the child handles things depends on the parent to a great deal. I believe in protecting a child from the evils of the world while preparing them to face them. Not sheltering and hiding them from the world and then tossing them out on it when they are "adult" enough to handle it.

This has to be done on an age appropriate level of course. A 5 year old only needs to know that something is bad becuase they can get hurt or because I said so. A 10 year old can understand that something has more of an effect. That a can lead to b and that can lead to c. By the time a child is 15 they should be able to have a pretty good grasp of right and wrong and responsibility for their actions. That the world is not totally black and white but filled with shades of grey and they have to make their path through all of it. That way when they get to be a full fledged "adult" (Whatever that is depending on your definition) they are at least able to stand somewhat on their own.

Of course each family is different and each family has to do things that follow their beliefs and values and ethics

[AFPheonix]

I never really got the talk from mom and dad, other than "don't have sex ever or you'll make Baby Jesus cry". I had sex ed in grade school for a year, and that was about it.

Fortunately I didn't really even start having relationships until I was 19 so I didn't get into trouble.

I really think it's up to the kid, but they start getting the fun biology even as early as 4th and 5th grade anymore (at least, that's when the early bloomers were starting in in my class) so as soon as they're willing to listen and not do the "Ew! Cooties! thing is probably ideal. The "Ew! Cooties" reaction is a great thing too...keeps em' out of trouble longer....

[MadMike]

Well one parent quite vociferously objected to that as she said children do not need to learn about sexual matters until they are adult enough to handle it.

People who take this "head in the sand" approach are usually the ones whose daughters become pregnant at 15 or sooner. Worse yet, they seem genuinely surprised when it happens, as if they won't do it if they're not educated on it.

I chose to have "the talk" with my son when he was 10. I had it when I was 11, and I had already picked up most of the bits and pieces from my friends at school, so I figured 11 might be a little too late.

I wasn't sure how to go about it, so I started out by asking what he already knew. He knew that people had "sex" to have kids, and he knew what parts involved, but he didn't really know the mechanics. He looked kind of shocked when I explained it to him.

All in all, I think it went pretty well.

[rahmota]

madmike: I'll agree. I wonder what will happen with her when her daughter gets to high school

I was half afraid when talking to my son that it was going to turn into that routine by Bill Engvall from Blue Collar Comedy tour. "You can do that?":eek: But he's somewhere between the "eww cooties" stage and the "Ohhh girls" stage so i am glad hes had the talk so far so good.


Hes 11 now and has known the full facts for about a year now too. As I felt the same way you did MM. There are a couple girls in his class that look like they hould be or are in high school but are only 12. Their dad (they are sisters fraternal twins) has been stockpiling shotgun shells for a while now and definately had the talk with them he said.

Fortuantely the rest of my kids are ranging from still in the "ew cooties" to "there's a difference?" stages.

[ArenaBoy]

I never had the "talk", I actually learned through books, (MEDICAL BOOKS, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!) 10 or 11 seems like a suitable age because kids are in somewhat of a transitional stage of their lives, they border on the cooties and the tingly feeling most get that first experience of at that age. Then again it depends on the kid and the surroundings I think. Taking the head in the sand approach is a bad route but like I said I learned from medical books and haven't gotten anyone pregnant.

Rahmota said: Their dad (they are sisters fraternal twins) has been stockpiling shotgun shells for a while now and definately had the talk with them he said.


Heh heh, reminds me of the girl I dated whose dad was a cop. Nice guy but he would always clean guns when I was around her daughter. That kept me in line.

[Fool]

well, I think, since your thinking about it, now would be a good time to start with the basics, explain what the differences are, and why there is differences.

I didn't get a sex talk (hell my mum was mortified telling me about periods, so anything else was out of the question) so I would advise being as relaxed as you can be, so the child doesn't think theres anything to be embarrassed about and will be comfortable asking questions.


good luck :)

[rahmota]

Um Fool. I've already given him the talk and all. I was just wondering what other people thought about this as I was talking to some other parents the other day.

I've known since I was about 12 but since I grew up in a family that was comfortable with sex and the human body and all that we didnt have any hang ups about discussing the facts from the fiction. Heck when I was in college I'd even be able to bring my girlfriend home and to my room without my mother saying anything about it other than be careful. :)

Arenaboy: I'll have to remember that when my daughter gets old enough to date. Altough she's enough of a tomboy I might be more afraid of what she'd do to the guy if he got out of line. Fortunately she's 8 now an thinks boys are useful for playing sports and thats it so i have some time, not much but some at least.

[DGoddess]

I never had the "talk", I actually learned through books, (MEDICAL BOOKS, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!) 10 or 11 seems like a suitable age because kids are in somewhat of a transitional stage of their lives, they border on the cooties and the tingly feeling most get that first experience of at that age. Then again it depends on the kid and the surroundings I think. Taking the head in the sand approach is a bad route but like I said I learned from medical books and haven't gotten anyone pregnant.

Same here. I read all the time growing up and medical books were no exception. I already knew the mechanics of it before I was 10.

My mom tried to have a talk with me when I was about 11 or 12, but I basically knew already. She wasn't too surprised, as she knew I was reading everything in the house and then some (Playgirl anyone?)

The general attitude varied in my house pertaining to sexual matters. My mom didn't think it was such a big deal to discuss such things, while my grandmother was really old school and believed the very word "sex" was dirty. She really gave me grief when I started writing fanfic at age 14 (some of it was rather graphic I have to admit.):D

Of course when I finally started dating (I was 20 at the time) my mom mentioned taking me to get birth control, which we did a short time later.

I'm 37 now (soon to be 38) and have not been pregnant like so many of my former high school classmates. Maybe a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.;)

[Primer]

I never had the "talk", I actually learned through books, (MEDICAL BOOKS, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!)

Same here. I read all the time growing up and medical books were no exception. I already knew the mechanics of it before I was 10.

Me three. Mom was a nurse before she had kids, but still had all her medical textbooks lying around where we could (conveniently?) get our hands on them. I'm 46 now and still have not yet received "the talk." Heck, I've asked more about menopause than I ever did about sex!

[Knightmare]

It depends on the child. Are they mentally mature enough? Are they old enough to have sex?
I've had this talk with my ex-gf's son, Steve. He is now 13, but we talked about it 2 years ago. I (still) am the father figure in his life, so he comes to me with these questions. I can't believe on how much I had to set things straight for him! What he "knew" he learned from his friends at school.

I am NOT looking forward to having this talk with my daughter. It was pretty easy with Steve; it was somewhat like two friends just sitting around having a talk. But this next talk will be with my three year old daughter, who will (technically) be a woman in about ten short years! AAUGH!!
Why can't they just stay three years old?

[Splintered Star]

I don't think I ever had "The Talk" either. My mother tells me that when I was still a munchin and hadn't yet hit four feet tall, I asked questions and she answered. (I wouldn't know - she remembers those years better than I) The rest I basically picked up on my own.

But really, I have to echo what the others have said - when the kid's ready. There's no 'perfect' age for anything, and attempts to find one usually mess things up.


Splintered Star

[rahmota]

So basically what most people are saying is when the child is able to understand thigns is the time. Thats what I was thinking.

Knightmare: I know what you mean about that. My daughter is 8 and is goign to be a real heartbreaker so thats going to be fun dealing with.

And the two friends thing is basically how my talk went with dad. We was sitting around talking.

[Barefootgirl]

My four-year old gets her questions answered, that's about it. She does tend to obsess over things for a while before dropping them and going onto something different, so it was interesting when she was obsessing over the difference between boys and girls. My ever-helpful husband told her that boys have tubes and girls have holes one morning when she was watching him have a wee, so for a little while we had observations that everyone one sees has either a tube or a hole. This is fine when its us or our friends, not so amusing when its the vicar. Fortunately, we have a deeply cool vicar...

[Cutenoob]

Man...this has got to be difficult for a parent.

My dad worked in a hospital, and had med books sitting around the house, so I would read one while eating breakfast. I loved to read.

I knew the mechanical parts about humans, but had no farking idea what was happening when my hormones hit me at WARP 9. Serious. I was 11 when my periods started.......and frisky as hell at 12.

My parents werent religious (thank god, D was a Catholic, M was Lutheran) so I didnt get the "Dont touch yourself or you'll die" lecture, but I didnt get anything saying "Its ok to do it, just do it in private"...

I was kind of left to fend for myself. I figured it out, thats for damn sure. :D

For kids that I will have: At age of 2 and up, we'll start naming body parts.And explaining the cause of life - animals have babies..let's go see the babies at the zoo.
And be involved w/ the kids @ school/after school. Some of the friends might influence Munchkin with the Uber Religious Cant Have Sex Til you're 40...and others might be saying, oh, get laid, its fun...
Moderation.

And to do this, I'd have to be better connected to Munchkins than my parents were to me. Friend, rule maker, and Parent.

God, what a load!

Cutenoob

[rahmota]

Cutenoob: yes it is a bit of a load. I've noticed a wide variety of results about this. But the most part is be honest and be ready to deal with it.

We have 1 daughter adn the rest boys ranging from 11(19 step son so hes already knowing what to do if not then his fiancee has probably shown him.) to 7 with the daughter being 8 so this is going to be rather interesting to deal with. My wife and I are working together to make sure our kids questions are answered honestly. We've identified body parts, and as they've gotten older answered the more difficult questions as they've come along. So hopefully they will turn out ok.

[DesignFox]

I think my mom had "the talk" with me around the time I was 8 or 9... I know in school we got to watch the videos in 4th grade...girls watched the one about girls, boys the one about boys...in 5th grade we swapped videos. I had already had the talk with mom before that.

Funny thing, she gave me her "woman's body" books to peruse...but forgot there was a whole section dedicated to sex positions... When she noticed that I had happened upon that, she took the book back. ;)

At any rate, I think it all depends on the maturity of your child- what you think they can handle, what questions they are asking you. I think it is better if they find out the answers from you...plus, if you are calm about it and honest, your kids should turn out just fine. My parents never had problems trusting me with guys over the house (good thing for me, all my friends were guys!) and I think a lot of it has to do with their having educated me...

I think a lack of education, and instilling the fear of god in your children has a lot to do with whether or not/what mistakes/ how they will handle their mistakes if they make them... my parents biggest thing was not whether or not I was having sex, it was "are you taking the proper precautions?" (and I didn't seriously date until I was 17/18 anyway...I didn't give them too much to worry about...I think)

[Luna]

I developed enough to start wearing a bra in 3rd grade. Yes, 3rd grade at 8 years old. My 'mother' threw a book about periods at me and instructed me to read it. It had nothing about sex in it. I learned that from kids at school, and all of it was wrong.

I don't have kids, so I wouldn't know when would be a good time for the talk. I would think it would be given if they were developing faster than your avaerage kid, or emotionally older and more mature than the average kid. I would have liked to have gotten the talk for real so I would have been able to deal with all the issues I had from developing so young.

[BusBus]

When I was 7, a girl was telling all of us at the school playgoround what her parents had told her the night before about making babies. I didn't believe her of course and asked my mum about it when I got home. She said nothing, but gave me a kiddie picture book about making babies (ya know...the "when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much" stuff). She didn't even read it with me. The rest I learned in sex ed. In retrospect, I wished my mother had been more forward about this stuff, instead of hiding behind a picture book. Thank goodness the sex ed class in grade 5 was pretty thorough.

I know it's not easy to be a parent (I don't have kids, but I figured that one out ;)), but there are certain responsibilities involved. It's important to be frank with your children about sensitive topics; otherwise, they enter the world misinformed.

[rdp78]

I was in 4th grade (10) when my mom read with me a book about puberty and how babies were made. Anyway then at school we had sex ed, the boys and girls were separated. Well, we girls learn what happened when we get our period and what else happens to us as we grow. It wasn't until middle school until we had more sex ed and more understanding about well, sex. Also the funny thing is I don't think they called it sex ed but family education.

Well, I'm not parent so I'm not quite sure when to have the birds and bees discussion with a child but I have heard some children are starting puberty as young as 8 so sooner then later would be better. I also think if the child is asking the questions and hearing stuff from other kids then yeah, its probably best if you talk to them. Anyway I do think it is irresonsible for a parent to not talk to their child about sex no matter how old they get with everything is going on today and they might found out about sex but not in a good way.

[blas87]

There was never a "talk" for me or even a pep talk for my period. Dad was too embarrassed about the period stuff, but he knew that I needed to know about sex....but my mother, being the religious zealot that she was back then, and being in total control of everything in the house and family.....took the "it's dirty, don't it" and "do it and you'll get pregnant" approach.

And she wonders why I spun into a world of drugs sex and booze at age 14

And she wonders why I turned to friends and older cousins for period talks, and why I learned everything about sex from my friends.

I know I'm not a parent and not in a position to patronize anyone, but please listen when I say, DO NOT USE THE "IT'S DIRTY AND WRONG, AND GOD WILL HATE YOU FOR IT" approach. Unless you want your child addicted to pot and booze and having sex freshman year.

[Seshat]

I learned the biological facts so gradually I've completely forgotten how. I know there was sex ed at my primary school, and some of the 'when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much' stuff at home. Also, there were biology books suitable for our reading levels at home, and those were uncensored.

Around seven or eight I decided I was going to be a doctor, so my parents encouraged me to read medicine-for-teenagers stuff (I had a high reading level), then when I outgrew those, they got me an adult library card.

So I knew an awful lot of the biological detail from a very young age. I knew about contraception, safe(r) sex, and disease as well. I could explain the menstrual cycle, knew what an ectopic pregnancy is, and so forth. What I didn't know was that sex was fun!

I am not a parent myself, but I am both an aunt and an honourary aunt. The children I share responsibility for are learning everything they're ready to understand about sex, sexuality and relationships.

My personal curriculum for sex ed includes things like sex having a bonding effect between the participants, the social consequences of promiscuous behaviour, the sexual double standard and the madonna/whore duality. These, admittedly, are advanced topics, mostly cultural effects, and controversial topics. But they're part of what a person needs to know to make an informed decision.

What I want to achieve is for the children I share responsibility for to become, eventually, adults who make informed decisions for themselves, and question everything. Including me.

[NightAngel]

I never had to have the entire 'birds and bees' talk with my oldest son. He has always loved science subjects and I never put a cap on what he could read about or learn. He knew all about reproduction in many animals, including humans, since he was little. Learning about any particular animal, it's behaviors, etc. also means learning about how it attracts mates and it's reproductive processes.

Basically, none of it was a surprise to him it was just part of the natural life span processes that he'd always learned about. There was no :eek: for either of us.

I really only had to have a talk about personal responsibility, the consequences of your actions and the highly mandatory threatening to beat him to death if he made me a Gramma before he was a legal adult. :D

[Greenday]

We had sex ed when I was in 5th grade. So I guess I was about 10-11 when I learned about it in school. My middle school and high school were huge on safe sex.

I didn't get a talk about it from my mom until I was 14 though. She knew I knew what sex was already so she didn't have to teach me about it. The talk I got was, "I know sooner or later you are going to start having sex, so when you do, just be safe and use a condom. If you don't have one, ask me, your step-dad, or your sister to get you one." Although it wasn't for a few more years until I actually did have sex, that seemed to be about the right age for that talk. Most kids don't become seriously sexually active until around high school, so to give me that talk the year before high school seemed pretty appropriate.

[CancelMyService]

I'm of the belief that age 10 is probably the best time, for boys at least. Girls kind of have an advantage that the whole period thing will (well should at least) prompt the "now you're growing up" talk.

I had the joy of having a mom who was a nurse. When I asked about babies I got the whole story with no details spared. I remember tellng her "I'M NEVER DOING *THAT*!!!", which obviously I got over pretty soon afterwards. Ironically I was asking about the egg/sperm stuff and wasn't expecting to hear about intermingling of naughty parts.

[Seshat]

Actually, the period talk should happen before the girl has her first period. Imagine waking up with blood on your sheets and realising it came from THERE :eek:

And an unfortunate few girls become fertile in their very first cycle, and can become pregnant before their first period. It's a very small percentage, but you don't want it happening in your family. So girls need at least a minimal birds-and-bees talk before obvious puberty. The rest of it can wait until the bloodstained sheets.

[CancelMyService]

Most females I know pretty much had that happen to them. Like, they had a sort-of-understanding of how things worked then one day it was "OHMYGODBLOODFROMTHERE".

I guess it is kind of a shock when it actually happens, but it's reason #9877081 I'm glad I'm not female :D

[Boozy]

Most psychologists agree that parents give the birds-and-the-bees talk way too late.

Between the ages of 8-10 is ideal. You don't have to go into gory detail - keep the talk age appropriate. But its important to drop the whole "stork" thing, or "God put a seed in mommy's tummy because daddy loves her very much." They need real information.

The won't be having sex for another few years at least, but the idea is to give them accurate information before they start receiving inaccurate information from all other sources. It also establishes a good rapport between parent and child to encourage approachability in later years.

[Seshat]

Most females I know pretty much had that happen to them. Like, they had a sort-of-understanding of how things worked then one day it was "OHMYGODBLOODFROMTHERE".

I didn't, and I'm grateful. Apparently I was also horribly embarassing for my parents, but at least I accepted it as a normal thing and wasn't scared.

I'm strongly in favour of girls knowing that they're going to menstruate one day - mostly because I'm against unnecessary trauma.

[Brede]

My parents figured 'She's old enough to ask, she's old enough to know' SO when I was younger I got the really simple one - 'When two people love each other very much... etc', a bit older it got more complicated, and by the time I was about 11 I understood about contraception and how sex can just be fun, too.

As a result- unlike many of my peers of the same age-
I have never had an STD.
I have never had an unwanted pregnancy (although I did once have to take the morning after pill).
I was never freaked out about my periods.
I never succumbed to peer pressure about sex, I went ahead with it when I wanted to.
I never confused lust with love.

The only myth I fell for was that after your first time the world would looki and feel different, and it would all be marvelous. And I was bitterly disappointed.

A lot of sex ed- especially the emotional aspects- comes too late for a lot of kids. Imagine your an early developer- in every way. Your hormones are pumping, everything is working properly, but because your brain hasn't caught up with your body yet you act without thinking. All you know is 'the waterworks' aspect of it, you don't know much about contraception, and you may believe all the myths.

Imagine what can come about from that lovely little combination. Underage children having babies and STD's is something I think everyone can agree is a bad thing (tm).

[horror]

My parents gave me "the talk" at about eight or nine. I was a pretty quick kid, so they knew that things weren't going to go over my head. Although our "talk" was short and sweet. I can't remember the details, but one thing does stand out in my mind. My father asked me if I knew that homosexuality was, and without hesitating I said, "It's when boys love boys the same way that other boys love girls, and when girls love girls in the same way that other girls love boys."
I don't think I was too young, and even though my parents were pretty vague, I don't think they did a bad job of it.

All in all I think everything turned out okay. I know the risks, I know how to protect myself, I know how to stay healthy, how to leave a man unconscious if he tries to force himself on me (thanks, dad), and I'm now in my mid-20's and have not once had to run frantically to the drug store for a pregnancy test.

[blas87]

I can honestly say, there have been two times where I have frantically ran to the drugstore to get a pregnancy test (despite being on the shot), and both times I ended up being just extremely ill. I thought I had morning sickness.

However, because of those two instances, I will never allow a guy to try to haev sex with me without a condom (unless I ever get in a real long term relationship or get married). NEVER AGAIN will I put my "need" to please a guy over my own personal health and safety.

[MadMike]

A lot of sex ed- especially the emotional aspects- comes too late for a lot of kids.

Agreed. My son is eighth grade, and they're just teaching it. Meanwhile, my son tells me he knows of kids who are already having sex, including one girl who had a pregnancy scare at the age of 13, and another who is considering having sex with her boyfriend, and not worrying about pregnancy because she thinks it can't possibly happen at her age.

[the_std]

I spent the majority of my childhood in Catholic schools (from grade three till I graduated high school), and holy crap, sex ed was sorely lacking. We girls got the "period" talk in the fourth grade, and then an "abstinence-only" talk every.single.year, from fifth grade till I graduated high school, after that. I remember being taught about how easy it was to catch an STD, how incurable and unlivable they were, how pregnancy has ruined so many lives, how girls who had sex outside of marriage were immoral people, all that good stuff.

As a result, out of a graduating class of 220 kids, I know for damn sure that five girls had had kids by the time they hit the tenth grade, eight by the eleventh and twelve by the twelfth. One was pregnant in the eighth grade, but she miscarried. On top of the twelve girls with kids, five additional ones had miscarried, and three had abortions. Seven guys had gotten girls pregnant by the eleventh grade, and thirteen by the time we graduated.

It was ridiculous. Had I not had open, loving parents who never, EVER made sex a taboo in our household, I could have been one of these people. Like many who have already posted in this topic, I never actually received "the talk", because all of my questions were gradually answered in the fullness of time.

I don't think having "the talk" is nearly as important as being constantly open and honest with your children. It makes a world of difference, especially when it comes to a child's confidence levels. I grew up knowing that sex was a natural thing and was always sure that I could deal with sexual situations accordingly. On the other hand, I had a friend who knew NOTHING about the sexual reproductive organs until her parents sat her down one day when she was thirteen and laid it all out at once. She became very confused about this sudden onslaught of "do this, don't do this" and refuses to discuss sex or sexual topics to this day.

I have made it abundantly clear to my parents how much I appreciated the way they dealt with teaching me about sexuality. It was a great way to grow up.