Host vs Guest

[NecCat]

My position on this is pretty simple: my house, my rules; your house, your rules.

Is that the accepted position, or is the opposite?

Some examples: My good friend has severe shellfish allergy. She makes anyone who is handling her food in any way very informed of this. She doesn't allow shellfish in her house, at pot lucks she only takes the food she made, before other utensils have the opportunity to cross contaminate. When her family is at my house, I continue making whatever for dinner I already had planned, and if there is shellfish in it, I very carefully make her something separate - a chicken breast out of the freezer or something. Once I gave her a tomato sandwich for dinner, because the lasagne I had in the oven had crawfish in it and she surprise showed up, and it was all I had on hand. She ate it and didn't complain. I assume because it is my house, and I can make whatever I want. When she was a member of a mother/baby group she would have people sneak in shrimp dip or similar to her house, because they all liked it so much. I was furious on her behalf, why should she allow that in her home? I guess being a good host means putting up with life threatening additions to your kitchen, because she just bitched a little but kept putting up with it.

My sister in law has these three obnoxious pocket dogs that rule the roost, with the help of my 2 year old niece. When you visit her house the dogs get the couch, the 2 year old sits in the recliner and the adults sit on the living room floor. I personally think it's loony that she lets that happen, but it's her house, so I shut up, sit on the floor and smile politely. When she comes to my house and the dogs jump on the couch I'll put them off or command them off it. She gets terribly offended 'We are guests in your house, you shouldn't treat them that way.' Uh, no. You and your family are guests in my house, the dogs just show up with you. I also lock them in the bedroom when we are eating because they are horribly active and interfering table scrap beggars, and it drives me nuts. I figure I put up with dogs scratching all over me and jumping on me while I eat at your house, and you should put up with dogs being (safely, with a bowl of water) segregated for an hour to eat at my house. She seems to think I'm very wrong.

I could pull up more examples and rant about this for a while, but I think I made the idea clear.

[Andara Bledin]

....

Your sister is being terribly abusive to those poor dogs...

[NecCat]

Yeah, she's a bit, maybe off is the word. She's actually my husbands sister, and he's no longer with us so I'm really not in a position to be telling her how to do things. Her daughter is going to end up spoiled rotten as well.

[Kheldarson]

There's actually a balance that is supposed to be had. As a host, you're supposed to accommodate and attempt to make your guests feel comfortable within reason, and your guest is supposed to cause as little disruption to your everyday life as possible.

So, if you know your gf is coming over, you accommodate by not making a shellfish dish. And if she surprises you on a shellfish night, then you accommodate as you did because it would be unfair to have you waste food you've prepped.

Dogs are a little different. A good host, if they know their pets are making a guest uncomfortable, should segregate the dogs themselves. But if they're the guests, they have to ensure the dogs don't interfere with the host's home.

[Aragarthiel]

When it comes to food allergies, it's considerate to avoid serving the allergen around them, as some people can't even be in the same room as their allergen without almost dying. However, some people have allergies that are simply too hard to prepare meals for (usually it's several allergies at once), so you don't necessarily have to prepare a separate meal, just limit their exposure.

Also remember, if someone shows up without calling first or if sister-in-law brings the dogs over without warning, you have every right to turn them away at the door. Don't feel obligated to let them in because they drove all that way. That's their fault for not considering your feelings, let them deal with it. If she uses the "But we're guests" excuse for ANY reason, let her know that being guests does NOT make your house theirs. If she has a problem with it, they can leave.

[Kuari]

I've got a hard and fast rule when people want to visit me: call me first to ask if it's okay instead of just showing up. If they can't be bothered to contact me first then there is a good chance I will not invite them in. About the only time anybody could get away with that is if they were travelling a fair distance to come see me and wanted to surprise me, but I would still be ticked off. To me, it's just rude to show up unannounced and I feel that I do not need to be a gracious host in that situation.

If I know somebody is coming over with a food allergy I will ensure not to serve anything with that allergen in it. If they do not like that I have that allergen in the house in the first place then they can stay home - it's my home. Also, when it comes to my animals, they do not rule the house. Okay, maybe the cats do, but they do get the hint when a guest is not thrilled to have them around. I warn people that I will not lock up my cats for them, nor will I move the critter cages or the bird cage out of the room, that it is their choice to visit me while knowing I have the pets that I do.

[mathnerd]

On the allergy issue:

-My house: tomatoes don't cross the threshold ever, for any reason. If a guest brought something over that contained tomatoes (and you'd be surprised what has tomatoes/tomato powder in it), I ask them to put the item in their car, then wash their hands. If they refuse, I tell them I'll miss their company. It's that simple. I had to give myself an epi-pen on Sunday because I walked into a room where a substantial amount of something in a tomato sauce was being kept warm. It's that bad.

-Other people's homes: I will ask politely if my allergy is something they can accommodate. By accommodate, I mean guarantee that no tomato products will be around in any form or in any dish. If they can't, I respectfully express my regrets that I will not be able to come over.

If I had a less severe allergy, then maybe I could be less rigid, but the fact is that even the tiniest amount of tomato will trigger anaphylaxis. I can't remember the last time I only needed one Epi-pen for an ingestion exposure to keep me breathing long enough for rescue to get to me. Airborne and contact exposures are less severe (in that it takes longer to quit breathing and I'm not as likely to rebound after one dose of epi), but the reactions are still anaphylaxis. As I've joked around with many doctors and nurses; breathing is my favorite activity in the entire world, and I'd like to keep doing it.

As for the other situations, I fully agree with Kheldarson. It's a balance. I wouldn't tolerate the dog situation you described in either their home or mine. I would refuse to visit them and I would refuse to allow poorly behaved dogs in my home.

[Shangri-laschild]

By her logic, that would mean that at her house, she should be fine with you pulling the dogs off the couch so you can sit there. I'm guessing that wouldn't actually be how she feels though. Pointing this out to her may be something that would work though more likely it would just result in her getting upset again. Honestly, I agree with the idea of not allowing the dogs in your house.

[KellyHabersham]

Dogs are a little different. A good host, if they know their pets are making a guest uncomfortable, should segregate the dogs themselves. But if they're the guests, they have to ensure the dogs don't interfere with the host's home.

I'd have to agree on this - think I've mentioned on here before about problems my mom had with relatives who, when invited to come up to our cabin with us, insisted on bringing their dog. This being even after it was obvious that "Sheba" did NOT get along with my mom's dogs, and because she had a tendency to snap at/bite people, my sister didn't feel comfortable with "Sheba" being around her kids.

Sad thing was, these relatives were oblivious to the issues their dog had, and my mom wouldn't speak up about it.

[Lace Neil Singer]

I agree with "my home, my rules" to some extent, tho with pets, it's a good idea to be flexible. For example, whenever my mum's financial adviser comes round to her house, since he has a deathly phobia of cats, she makes sure that her cat is put in the kitchen or outside if it's warm. This guy has a genuine phobia so therefore, my mum is happy to put the cat elsewhere. However, if anyone turned up with a dog and snootily tried to insist that the cat be elsewhere, my mum would refuse and tell them to put the dog outside or leave. It really does depend on the situation as regards to pets.

[s_stabeler]

My rule regarding pets is simple: anybody, including pets, SPECIFICALLY invited gets accommodations made. dragging a pet along? then said pet had better be on it's best behavior ( so if I had a pet cat, and someone brought a pet dog, i would be watching said dog like a hawk. At the first sign it was scaring my cat? said dog has to go home, no matter what. If the dog was specifically included n the invitation, however, then I'd make arrangements to keep the two apart. Again though, if you deliberately bypass whatever arrangements \i make, then you are getting chucked out.)

[Peppergirl]

I could pull up more examples and rant about this for a while, but I think I made the idea clear.

Your sis-in-law sounds, frankly, batshit crazy. And also entitled.

I love my pets to death, but not that much.. However, her house - her rules. But then she starts telling YOU how it's going to be with them in YOUR house? Oh, hell to the no!

She's gonna have a monster on her hands when your niece is older, for sure.

[HYHYBT]

This is my cats' home, as well as mine. This is their safe space, and therefore no dogs are allowed, period. Though in practice, the issue has never come up.

[Blue Ginger]

Question for those with dogs: what would you do if a friend's child is terrified of dogs and they have been invited over? Would you keep the dog outside or away for the time that they are visiting? Or would you allow your dog to jump all over the terrified child?

I only ask because I was one of these kids. Most of my parent's friends were ok with having their pets away from me or very carefully introducing the pets. And giving me a way to leave or hide if it got too much.

But there was one person who had the most badly behaved dog that would jump all over everyone. This person thought it was the funniest thing ever to see me (aged 6) screaming and crying while trying to scale fences and trees because their large dog was jumping all over me and everyone else. (Only visited this person at their home twice and the second time I refused to get out of the car.)

[Kheldarson]

Question for those with dogs: what would you do if a friend's child is terrified of dogs and they have been invited over? Would you keep the dog outside or away for the time that they are visiting? Or would you allow your dog to jump all over the terrified child?

This is where "guest accommodation" fits in. If you know your guest is upset by your animal, you make sure the two are separated as much as possible for the duration of the visit.