Was I in the right?

[Giggle Goose]

I'd probably post this over on CS, but since this is more of a "grab bag" area and I hang out here more anyway, I posted it here on Fratching.

My cousin is getting married next month, and I'm one of 5 bridesmaids. All of us bridesmaids put together a shower for the bride, which was yesterday. The maid of honor sent out an email that assigned a duty to all of us, and she asked everyone to keep track of what they were spending. She said after that we could split the whole bill between us all.

I was put in charge of drinks, alcoholic and nonalcoholic. There were about 25 guests, including bridesmaids. I bought ice buckets, tongs, stirrers, tumblers, juices, soda, a case of water, and 12 bottles of champagne; since we had decided on a "make-your-own-champagne-cocktail" theme. My total expenses came out to $236.68. I'm venturing a guess that I spent the most out of anyone, since the champagne alone came out to almost $100.

The shower came and went, and a great time was had by all. We ended up using only half of the drinks. That was fine with me, since I could probably save the champagne for future use (my boyfriend and I drink more than we'd care to admit) .

The maid of honor (who's in charge) didn't mention anything about cost, and I didn't know if she was planning to. I'm behind on some bills, and we are going to NYC for the bachelorette party this Friday. So yeah, I'm a little broke and could use a little help with the expenses. So today I wrote this email to all the bridesmaids:

Hi everyone,

I hate to be the one to bring this up, but does anyone need reimbursement for what they spent on the bridal shower yesterday? I'd be lying if I said I didn't, and I'm pretty sure everyone else spent a significant amount.

I spent a total of $236.68 on all the drinks and supplies. Since we only used about half of everything, I think it would be reeeeeally helpful if I could get $118, or about half of what I spent.

Maybe everyone can request an amount they would like to be reimbursed for, and then we could all chip in an even amount so those ladies can get reimbursed? This way we can all have more to spend in NYC this weekend :-)

Does this sound fair? I'll leave the final decision up to the maid of honor, but I just wanted to put that out there.

I think everything went fantastic yesterday. See you all later this week!

GG
____________________
I'm looking back on it now and I'm thinking maybe this was too pushy, and I could have given the maid of honor a couple days to think about it. But TBH, she's a bit of a flake and my gut instinct is that she would not have remembered. Not to mention that she didn't really put herself in charge of anything except for delegating, so she might not be feeling a financial pinch like the rest of us.

What do you all think? Was it too soon? Was I being a cheapskate? Also, since it was a desserts-only affair, the food bill couldn't have come to much. Most of the desserts were homemade and couldn't be nearly as expensive as a case of champagne

[HYHYBT]

I think your math is off. If I'm reading this right, you spent $118 and are asking for $118 to be reimbursed. But if the agreement was to divide expenses equally, even if nobody else spent anything at all you'd only get $94... and surely, whatever the others did, it cost *something.*

The simplest thing would be to say each of you owes each of the others 1/5 of what that other spent.

[Boozy]

I'm confused. From whom are you requesting reimbursement? All the bridesmaids?

I don't see any reason why you can't pool the bills together and split the costs evenly amongst yourselves. No problems there.

However, HYHYBT raises a good point. Only half the champagne was required for the event, and you plan to personally consume the rest. I don't think the bridal party needs to swallow that cost.

If it's a hardship for you, could you not return the champagne to the store? My store accepts returns of unopened bottles of wine all the time. Especially when someone has over-estimated the amount they would need for a social event.

If you can't do a return, and plan to keep the bubbly for yourself, you can't expect others to pay for it. If you want the cost of the champagne to be split evenly among all of you, then the champagne belongs to all of you. You might give everyone a bottle, or perhaps gift it to the couple.

You just have to figure out exactly how much you spent on the actual shower, and put that amount into the pool of bills. Then you can all do the math from there to determine what everyone owes. It might be about $118, but if I were you I'd sit down and figure out exactly what costs you had and what was necessary for the event. I know you're doing some rough math, but that may not sit well with everyone.

[BlaqueKatt]

I think your math is off. If I'm reading this right, you spent $118 and are asking for $118 to be reimbursed.

I don't think you are reading it right, she spent MORE than $118.

However, HYHYBT raises a good point. Only half the champagne was required for the event, and you plan to personally consume the rest. I don't think the bridal party needs to swallow that cost.

She's not asking them to.

My total expenses came out to $236.68. I'm venturing a guess that I spent the most out of anyone, since the champagne alone came out to almost $100.

hmmm actually GG is asking for less than was spent-not sure how you two are getting that she's asking for full reimbursement.

spent 236.68 for supplies and 12 bottles of champagne(champagne cost alone $100)

so 236.68 minus the $50 for the unused champagne is 186.68, not the 118 she is asking for.

[Boozy]

I understand she's not asking for full reimbursement. But she's better off figuring out exactly what she spent and adding that to the other bridesmaids' expenditures to come up with a grand total - to be split evenly.

It may or may not mean getting $118 back. I suspect it will not, depending on what everyone else spent.

[Hyena Dandy]

You'd have to ask an etiquette site.

But in my personal opinion, its better to east the cost than to cause more trouble for the bride and groom right before the wedding.

Of course, I don't know your ffriends, I don't know what the deal was, but I'm saying in a general situation, if you didn't ask to be reimbursed at the start, its not a good idea to ask now.

Butagain, proper behavior varies between groups. I only know what I think would be appropriate.

[HYHYBT]

Sorry, I did misread it: half of 236 is 118, and half of the champagne was left, but I'd skipped over the part about the 236 not all being the champagne in the first place.

[Giggle Goose]

hmmm actually GG is asking for less than was spent-not sure how you two are getting that she's asking for full reimbursement.

spent 236.68 for supplies and 12 bottles of champagne(champagne cost alone $100)

so 236.68 minus the $50 for the unused champagne is 186.68, not the 118 she is asking for.

*phew* I was worried I had written it wrong, but BK nailed it. Thanks for saving my butt

Yes, I'd rather eat as much of the cost as possible. I don't expect anyone else to fund my drinking habit. I'm trying to keep the peace. The way I'm seeing things is like this (hypthetical purposes only):

Person A (me) requests to be reimbursed for $118. Person B requests $50, Person C requests $75, Person D requests $65, and Person E requests $92. We're just using the honor system and not being anal-retentive about receipts, etc. So the grand total would be: 118+50+75+65+92= $400.

I believe it would be fair to split it 5 ways. So then every person would be obligated to spend $80 (400/5). Since Person A and Person E spent more than that, they need to be reimbursed for the difference of their totals minus the 80 ($38 for Person A, $12 for Person E). Persons B-D spent less than that, so they need to pony up. If Person B coughs up $30, Person C coughs up $5, and Person D coughs up $15, that's a total of $50. $38 of that would go to Person A to cover their excess, and the other $12 would go to Person E.

OR everyone could just put in $80 in addition to whatever they spent, and then whoever collects the $400 could just allocate the funds to people reimbursing them for exactly what they spent. The only downside to this would be that everyone has to pay out again when it may not be necessary.

Does that make sense to anyone else? I'm not a math major but it makes everyone pony up the same amount.

No one has replied as of yet, BTW. I was mostly just concerned with the propriety of bringing up the money issue when it really wasn't my place. Then again, the maid of honor didn't seem to spend much money so no one's holding her feet to the financial fire (so to speak).

[Giggle Goose]

Of course, I don't know your ffriends, I don't know what the deal was, but I'm saying in a general situation, if you didn't ask to be reimbursed at the start, its not a good idea to ask now.

I didn't ask to be reimbursed, but the maid of honor told us all (via an email that I still have) that we would split the costs evenly after figuring out who spent what. Also, she assigned me the task of getting drinks, and I wasn't about to argue with her and start any drama even though any idiot knows booze is a considerable expense.

I do get what you're saying, though. That would be pretty assholish of me if I offered to get all the booze and then expect everyone else to reimburse me.

[DrFaroohk]

Totally off the wall, but the OP seems to have things pretty figured out: Don't you hate it when someone asks an ettiquette question like this, quite honestly, and the response is something like "WHAT!? HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE HOLINESS OF THE WEDDING AND ASK FOR MONEY! YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO HAVE FAMILY! DIIIIIIEEE!"

[Ree]

Don't you hate it when someone asks an ettiquette question like this, quite honestly, and the response is something like "WHAT!? HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE HOLINESS OF THE WEDDING AND ASK FOR MONEY! YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO HAVE FAMILY! DIIIIIIEEE!"

Ummm...What????

Can you point out where anyone said anything remotely like that?

[blas87]

Personally, I think you were far too generous to begin with and I'm sure it was an accident to over-estimate. In my opinion, you're not being rude to ask for something back, because you even stated that this whole wedding is expensive for you.

Maybe I'm biased because I'm sick of other people's insistance on having everything luxurious and expensive and their way, even if it means shorting people they supposedly care about.

[Giggle Goose]

Well, it turned out that some of the other gals that paid less money paid for our hotel room and bus tickets to NYC for the bachelorette party ( still recovering ). So it evened things out. Maid of Honor pointed this out to me, but it would have been nice if she had mentioned something like that BEFORE I made an ass of myself.

I am donating the rest of the champagne to the toast at the wedding. But I still dropped a shit ton on drinks and cab rides since it didn't feel right to have the bride pay for anything...all I know is, when/if I get married, she better remember!!!