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Is This Abusive?

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  • Is This Abusive?

    So, I have a friend who is also on Fratching. Young-ish. Still lives at home. Doesn't have a job. Doesn't have a license. Is supposed to be going to community college and proving that Friend can handle real college before the parents (Mother, mostly) will send Friend.

    Friend recently had a birthday during the second week of this month.

    Friend received some funds from a couple of relatives, so Mother declared that Friend had to write thank you notes. Mother dictated that the notes had to go to relatives A and B. Friend disagreed, stating that Relative B never sent any gift, but relative C did. Mother declares Friend wrong and demands that Friend write the thank yous immediately. So Friend writes the notes, upset that Mother refuses to believe that Friend might be right or even wait until it can be confirmed. It's worth nothing that the ones Friend was forced to thank were Mother's relatives and the one Friend wasn't allowed to thank was one of Father's relatives.

    Friend writes out one of the addresses to "Uncle X and Aunt Y." Mother has a fit, declaring that it's wrong despite that being the way that Friend has always written it. Mother berates Friend, Friend gets upset and yells back, and Mother takes $20 of the gift money for it. When Friend redoes them, Father says it's a miracle that Friend did something right. Then, later, Mother takes another $10 of he gift money because Friend left the stamps out.

    Then, less than an hour later, Mother decides that Friend has to give her the whole $125 back (ignoring the $30 she already took) because Friend didn't write the thank yous fast enough. She is now declaring that she begged Friend for weeks. And Father is stating that it's ok for them to take Friend's money away because Mother got upset, and it's all Friend's fault that Mother was upset, so it's ok for Mother to take Friend's money, now.

    She also charged Friend for "leaving the pillows out of order" in the basement. Because she "had to pick up after Friend." Here's a direct quote from Friend: "She says she's helping me because the rest of the family pities me and she's acting as a screen against that..."

    This isn't even close to all of it. This doesn't include so very much. And I know it's also one-sided. But I want to know: Does this look like an abusive relationship to anyone else?

    ^-.-^
    Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others. - Dresden

  • #2
    On the surface, yes.

    My suggestion to your friend would be to start making herself independent, pronto.

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    • #3
      I've been trying to push Friend to do just that, but Friend feels that they have nowhere to go. No money, no job, no way to get one, no friends. I've been pushing recently for Friend to contact some help groups in the area, but Friend thinks that their problems are "petty" and that the groups out there should help people with "bigger problems."

      Despite the fact that the things friend tells me include lines like: "I feel like I have no way out and no chance of lasting an entire nother year here."

      ^-.-^
      Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others. - Dresden

      Comment


      • #4
        I have come to believe that there are some parents that are more than eager to get rid of their young adult kids (meaning, out of the house). In most of these cases (this is exactly what happened to me), despite the fact that the young adult in question is by no means a loser or leech, they will make so many silly rules, expectations, and cause so much drama and headaches on purpose so that the kid will leave.

        I did have a job and was pretty well near my way out the door, and my parents gave me a real shove when they continued to keep grounding me at age 19, gave me a midnight curfew, forbade me from spending the night at males' houses, and still had to "approve" of my friends before I was allowed to do anything with them.

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        • #5
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWkxvIaKsFU (14 second clip, but ...well needed).


          I never had that problem. Mostly because I've always paid half the bills and done half the chores (Most of chores growing up pre having job).


          I do find it intresting that the more abused a person is, ether mentally or physically, the more they state that they have petty and less problems compared to others.


          They need to get out asap. Hope they can.
          Toilet Paper has been "bath tissue" for the longest time, and it really chaps my ass - Blas
          I AM THE MAN of the house! I wear the pants!!! But uh...my wife buys the pants so....yeah.

          Comment


          • #6
            Are you sure you want to ask this *about another Fratching member* here? I'd hate to be talked about in the third person like that in a place I'm likely to read.
            "My in-laws are country people and at night you can hear their distinctive howl."

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            • #7
              Nah, its cool, I said she could.
              "Nam castum esse decet pium poetam
              ipsum, versiculos nihil necessest"

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              • #8
                Besides, I already figured out whom it is anyway. I'm sure good chunk of us have.
                Toilet Paper has been "bath tissue" for the longest time, and it really chaps my ass - Blas
                I AM THE MAN of the house! I wear the pants!!! But uh...my wife buys the pants so....yeah.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Stealing someone's money and manipulating their emotional/mental state to justify it? Yea, I'd consider that some form of abuse.
                  Violence has resolved more conflicts than anything else. The contrary opinion that violence doesn't solve anything is merely wishful thinking at its worst. - Starship Troopers

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                  • #10
                    lol reminds me of my parents. Or butters' parents.

                    Your friend can either silently withdraw and suppress it all until there's a homicidal rage that builds up and can only be released by exuding a bitter anger throughout the day, or your friend can stand up and fight back. tell the parents to fuck off. Tell them they have attitude problems and it's going to stop. Remember that typically parents = old and rusty. A good kick to the knee usually brings some sense to them if they get out of control.

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                    • #11
                      I don't really see the value of labelling it abusive or non-abusive.

                      It's an intensely unpleasant situation in which no one is happy. Why not just leave it at that?

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                      • #12
                        How about rewrite the thank you?. Thank you so much for the generous gift. Although Mom & Dad refused to let me keep it, I appreciated the thought. Thank you. Yeah, I'm not that ballsy either, but I'd want to do it. And I'm sure family wouldn't be surprised by how jerkish the parents are being.

                        Only thing to do is to get the hell out of the situation. It may be tough, but sticking around will only make you feel more dependent and less likely to venture out on your own. I remember clearly the day my Dad told me there was no way I'd make it even three weeks in college let alone a full year. Focusing on the anger is a good way to find the strength to get out of a miserable situation. You learn you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Andara Bledin View Post
                          I've been pushing recently for Friend to contact some help groups in the area, but Friend thinks that their problems are "petty" and that the groups out there should help people with "bigger problems."
                          If friend truly believes their problems are "petty" why is friend so afraid of asking for help? If the problem is actually small, the help group would welcome the chance to fix something easy, that doesn't require months of effort and work...unless....friend is in denial.......

                          It's also up to the group to decide if they want to help or not, and most would like the chance rather than lose the opportunity to do some good.

                          It's kind of like who's worse off/more deserving of help:

                          the homeless, paraplegic, terminal cancer patient with bipolar disrder, or the blind drug addict with HIV and leprosy.....
                          Registered rider scenic shore 150 charity ride

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                          • #14
                            Sounds pretty abusive to me.

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                            • #15
                              IMO it sounds a little Mommie Dearest like.
                              https://www.youtube.com/user/HedgeTV
                              Great YouTube channel check it out!

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