Yes, It IS All About Me!

[blas87]

I've recently changed a lot of the ways I think and approach life and dating. And you know what? I've already been accused of being "selfish" and thinking it's all about me by a couple of dates.

Feel free to bash me like they have. I'm no longer apologizing for stepping on toes in the name of making sure people like me!

For the best years of my life, meaning I have already wasted my late teens and early and now mid 20s on a bunch of fucking worthless people who used me as a personal umbrella and welcome mat on their rainy days. I have put others before myself and I never, ever should have done that. It always resulted in me being hurt. Remember that awful saying what you allow will continue? It's fucking true!

I woke up one day, realizing 27 is knocking on my door. Not old by any means, but hell, these are supposed to be the best years of my life. While I'm still single and without children and while I'm still looking and feeling good, it's about damn time I came first all the time in my own life.

Eventually, I tired of excuses, lies, and working around other people's stupid hangups and quirks. Do you really think anyone works hard around mine? No way. And I'm not typing all of this for sympathy, or to sound like one of those whiney martyr drama whores. I am saying this in all seriousness. I started to feel like such an idiot when I realized that for too long, with so many people, I was willing to work around so much bullshit just in the sake of trying to make things work with friends and guys. HOW STUPID IS THAT? I mean, I wasted nearly a year of my life with a guy who was inappropriate with his ex wife and I was dumb enough to work around all of his excuses and the bullshit around that. I was dumb enough to try to work around a guy with a severe personality issue involving beyond normal passive aggressive behavior and a hatred of social things and people. Not until things ever became such a problem did I realize that no one had worked around me at all.

I'm important to me. And I'm all about me now.

If you think it's selfish that I nip idiot behavior in the bud, call something off because you act like an ass, or if you want to end a friendship because I'm no longer working around guilt trips and passive aggressive behavior on Facebook on Halloween..........you better fucking mean it when you say you aren't talking to me anymore or when you delete me or when you say I'm too selfish to deal with!

[Kheldarson]

*claps*

You go girl!

[Greenday]

Yea, I realized this at the end of college. I was always trying to please everyone else and I was never happy. So why couldn't I have my cake and eat it too? Started voicing my opinions, doing what I wanted to do. And I have to say, it's worked out well for me. The friends I want, I'm still friends with. Got a great girlfriend. I do what I want and I'm happier these days cause of it.

[telecom_goddess]

I'm starting to be that way too. I am sick of working around other people. Now I'm going to enjoy my stuff that I pay for in my apartment that I pay the whole rent on. And electricity for. And the cable! And I'm going to do other things in my life that make me happy.

[Jester]

Blas, I have one thing to say:

BRAVO!!!!

About damn time more people realized this.

I was fortunate in my life in that at the age of 17, I came to the realization that no matter what I did, there would always be people who didn't like me, for whatever reason, for idiotic reasons, for good reasons, for religious reasons, for social standing reasons, or for no reason at all. So I stopped trying to make people like me, to do things to make others happy*, or to live my life in any way other than being true to myself. In the process, I not only became a much happier guy, but I also oddly became more popular, and my friends were a better quality of people, those who didn't bother with the usual bullshit.

I've had some missteps since then, of course, and at least once played the doormat in a relationship, but I've learned from those mistakes and missteps, and applied those lessons along the way. And while many people I know are miserable in their lives, and I have many reasons I could be miserable in my life if I chose to be, i have made the choice not to be. And that, as the poet said, has made all the difference.


*Keep in mind that when I say I don't do things to make others happy, I'm talking about how I live my life. I still enjoy doing nice things for people I care about. But I don't compromise myself, my lifestyle, or my principles. Not all of my friends or family have always been happy with my life choices. But they've recognized--or been told in no uncertain terms--that it's my life, and thus my choices to make about it. I'll listen their input, and there have been numerous occasions where they pointed out something that I agreed needed to change. But even then, it's been my choice to do so, based upon what I wanted from my life, from what I wanted of myself. And I dare say, this is what our friend Blas is discovering in her own life. So once again I say.....

Bravo.

[AccountingDrone]

And you have a support group here, we are more than happy to listen to you vent, bounce advice around and so forth.

[and I can suggest looking for a person to date near military bases? Many times the locals are tired of dealing with the military and tend to be rude towards the poor guys and they are almost pathetically thrilled to find someone interested in going out with them When I was single in Norfolk just saying hi to them in the grocery store and offering advice on picking good fruit or vegetables you could just see them practically rolling over on their backs and wagging their tails like puppies!]

[HYHYBT]

Just one thing... why should your 20's be the best time of your life?

[blas87]

I don't get why that has to be the biggest burning question of that entire thing, but the only answer I can think of is I was on a roll and that seemed to flow with the rest of that train of thought. I guess if I disect it now and try to explain it, I'd say some people say that becuase it's a time in life where you usually have nothing holding you back (NOT, I repeat NOT, I repeat NOT, saying that a marriage/long term relationship or children are a bad thing!!!!) from doing every thing you want to do before you settle down and be a real grown up, you know?

But, silly me and most likely a bunch of other people have made the mistake of going too far out of our way for others during those years. Maybe even into later 20s and 30s and beyond.

People preach that relationships and whatnot need work and not just giving up. Well, you know what? I "Worked" with a guy with a bad alcohol and breaking the law problem for almost 3 years. Part of it may be my own doing not walking away sooner, but there are people you CANNOT make things work with.

I also tried to "work" with a guy that was adament that he would talk to and do whatever with his ex wife as often as he wanted and that it was none of my business what they did or talked about, and he used the convenient excuse that everything was about their children and not her. I eventually broke up with him because he would not tell me if he was spending Easter with his ex wife, because the track record was every holiday he'd spent with her and he'd just not tell me and not talk to me until he was already doing something with her. Not just holidays, but those stung the worst. We had all kinds of other problems, and you know what? I grew to say FUCK IT. I am not working around someone who has all this baggage and mind games they like to play.

Nah, I'll spare the rest of the sob stories. Moral of the story is, and without trying to sound like a whiney bitch like most of the guys I know.....I have never known many people who were willing to work around ME. In fact, *mistake* tried to force me to stop smoking and wouldn't quit yelling at me to move into his house (hahaha, no!), and there's always been other things that people won't accept or work around me. So forget it.

From now on, if I get a feeling, I'm not ignoring it. I'm not calling red flags yellow or orange anymore. I'm not going to accept anything that gives me memories of mistakes and idiots past.

[Jester]

People preach that relationships and whatnot need work and not just giving up.

Yes, they do require work. From BOTH people. From what you've described of your past relationships, you were the only one expending any effort on working on the relationship, and the only one willing to compromise.

Relationships are a two way street. Your past relationships were one way streets. You didn't give up. They did.

Fuck 'em. You're totally in the right, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[BrenDAnn]

Being in the midst of some family drama that I sort of created by realizing too late that I wasn't looking out for my own happiness, I can totally understand. It's a long story, but trust me, I'll be looking out for myself now too. Hugs and good luck to you, blas!

[blas87]

Thanks a lot! And to you as well! You always got a pal up in Wisconsin if you need me!

I can honestly say, doing this, you may lose a few friends or a few dates, but Hell, you'll know who really liked you for you all along and who just wanted to change you or try their luck with you.