My Imminent Divorce

[Ghel]

Thanks for the support and advice, but I don't think I can do much about this. For one, I don't want to break Rook's anonymity to ask him to provide documentation. For two, if I did bring this up in the divorce, STBEH would simply claim that he had my consent, and there would be no way to prove it one way or the other.

When talking this over with Mycha, he suggested a possible explanation for much of STBEH's behavior: he's a voyeur. That plus his control issues would explain so much. When we first got into Second Life, he encouraged me to cyber with other people, so long as he got to watch (or at least listen). Later, he would get upset with me because (in his words) what was he supposed to do when I'd already climaxed a dozen times or more with somebody online? I wasn't with any of my online lovers to turn him on; I was with them because I liked them! It would explain why he sent Rook nude photos of me and (I neglected to mention this in my last post) invited him to visit to have sex with me (another violation of my consent). It would explain why, once he found another couple to get involved with, he didn't want me to see anyone else. After all, if I've got both a man and a woman I can do sexy stuff with, why would I need anyone else? It would explain why he insisted that Al and I get on cam while I was visiting Al and Ali was visiting STBEH. It would explain why he had such a problem with me going to visit Mycha.

Because it was all about him wanting to watch me be with someone else. It was never about what I wanted.

On a good note, I've got someone coming to look at the house tomorrow! Hopefully, it will lead to a sale.

[Kheldarson]

I'm sorry, but reading all of that made me feel icky. I can't imagine how it's making you feel.

But yay on potential house sale!

[SkullKing]

I wonder if your STBEH even understands what he feels. He seems to be immature in that sense.

I mean, you talked about an open relationship, and a lot of stuff, yet he apparently he never said he liked to watch.

Good luck on the house sale.

[Peppergirl]

How are things going, Ghel? Got to thinking of you today and wondered how you were.

[Ghel]

Very little has changed. I'm ignoring calls from the mortgage companies that come in on the weekends. I might have a house lined up to rent from a retired coworker. She said she'll let me know once she's got it fixed up and how much rent she wants.

STBEH blusterquit Second Life via a Facebook post late last week. He said that he needed to focus on his real life and SL has "cost him enough already." Two days later, he deleted the post and was DJing on SL again. A mutual friend posted a pic of him dancing with Ali in SL.

He couldn't even stick the flounce.

[Ghel]

I don't believe in ESP, but I seem to know when my STBEH has written me an email. I deliberately didn't check my email yesterday, and sure enough, he had written me an email.

He's trying to convince me that I would be able to rewrite the mortgage into my own name and get the payments to an amount I would be able to pay them. I was too nice. I explained to him exactly why I he was wrong. But here's what I think I should have said:

Fuck you, if you expect me to take on a mortgage payment that's almost half of my take-home pay for a house that we only bought because your daughter came to live with us! We applied for the loan jointly, so whatever the result (sale or foreclosure) it's going to affect both of us! Fuck you if you think you're going to get out from under this debt and dump it all on me!

But I didn't say that. I'm too nice.

[Kuari]

Time to stop playing nice and tell him what you really think. If you don't, he will continue to attempt to manipulate you into playing out the divorce the way he wants. I wonder if he is being coached by somebody to try to stick you with all the debt...

[Sarah Valentine]

Kuari said it before I could, he's being a dick about this so why be nice to him. And it doesn't seem like dumping the house on you was his idea.

[SkullKing]

The guy is an ass.

I won´t say you should definitely have said that, as not creating unnecessary animosity might help in the long run.

but he definitely DESERVED being told that.

How are things going with your other friends? from your previous posts they seemed to be fairly supportive.

[Kaylyn]

Ghel, I wanted to say thank you. I've recently come to terms with the fact that I'm asexual/sex-repulsed, after going into near-anxiety attacks every time the subject of sex came up in my marriage. Neither hubs and I want to divorce over lack of sex, so he's started exploring polyamory. While I haven't discounted the idea that I might find someone that is interested in a purely romantic relationship with no sex, I don't have high hopes that it will happen, but he's found someone interested in his kinks and over the past week has had his first couple of sexual encounters with her while I've been at work (once with my knowledge ahead of time, and the second time I didn't find out until after). So I'm in the position of watching him be with other women while I'm kind of out in the cold, and that first time was difficult for me to deal with.

I'm thanking you because reading about your ex's reactions to your relationship to Mycha is showing me exactly what NOT to do when my hubs pursues a new relationship. I'm trying to focus on the fact that he's much happier and more relaxed now, and he's doing a good job at reassuring me that I'm his primary and that he's not going anywhere. There were plenty of times where I wanted to shut the whole thing down because I, too, have minor control issues (though nowhere near as severe as your ex), but I'm learning to trust him, and he hasn't let me down. Sorry that your ex couldn't give you the same amount of trust, and I hope things are looking up for you.

[Ghel]

How are things going with your other friends? from your previous posts they seemed to be fairly supportive.

My friends and coworkers are being very supportive. Everyone's trying to give me advice, and I appreciate it even though most of them don't have the full picture. I'm not out about being pan or poly to any offline friends except a few, very close friends.

I'm thanking you because reading about your ex's reactions to your relationship to Mycha is showing me exactly what NOT to do when my hubs pursues a new relationship. I'm trying to focus on the fact that he's much happier and more relaxed now, and he's doing a good job at reassuring me that I'm his primary and that he's not going anywhere. There were plenty of times where I wanted to shut the whole thing down because I, too, have minor control issues (though nowhere near as severe as your ex), but I'm learning to trust him, and he hasn't let me down.

I feel paradoxically both humbled and proud to have been an inspiration for you. I hope everything works out for you and your hubs.

Sorry that your ex couldn't give you the same amount of trust, and I hope things are looking up for you.

Thanks. I am still seeing Steve and Mycha and Rook online, each about once a week, plus daily emails and texts. Mycha is still planning on visiting Thanksgiving weekend.

I have been stressing out over work, money, and STBEH's emails (primarily the one where he said he'd be starting the divorce proceedings in TN). I had a checkup with my doctor yesterday, and my blood pressure is really high. My doctor knows STBEH (he used to maintain Doc's computers, and we had dinner with Doc and his wife a few times). So I explained the stress I'm under, and Doc upped my bp meds and put me on Xanax. I took the first dose last night, and I think it's helping, although I didn't feel the drowsiness that is supposed to be one of the side effects when you first start taking it.

Doc also told me that STBEH sent him a message with a new phone number. Funny that STBEH didn't tell me he'd changed his phone number. (I haven't had a reason to call him, so I didn't know his old number was disconnected.) That does explain why the mortgage company was trying to get me to tell STBEH that they needed his current phone number.

[SkullKing]

Glad to hear that your friends are suppoorting you

Doc also told me that STBEH sent him a message with a new phone number. Funny that STBEH didn't tell me he'd changed his phone number. (I haven't had a reason to call him, so I didn't know his old number was disconnected.) That does explain why the mortgage company was trying to get me to tell STBEH that they needed his current phone number.

I hope this means you gave the mortgage company his phone?

[Ghel]

I hope this means you gave the mortgage company his phone?

No, I still don't have it.

[siead_lietrathua]

No, I still don't have it.

meh, give them whatever number you have. Al/ Ali's cell or home phones, his email addresses, etc. mortgage companies tend to have no issue with bugging people however they can for money

[Ghel]

meh, give them whatever number you have. Al/ Ali's cell or home phones, his email addresses, etc. mortgage companies tend to have no issue with bugging people however they can for money

Heh. Most of his mail I've been marking "return to sender - not at this address" unless it's addressed to both of us. But if I get a call asking for his phone number or address, I'm going to follow this advice. "Here's the last number I had for him and the last address that I know he was living at."

ETA: I did exactly this. I got a call from the 2nd mortgage company yesterday, and the caller was bugging me about whether I've been able to contact STBEH, so I said that I don't have his new phone number, he's not responding to my emails [not that I've emailed him in weeks anyway], but here's the last address I had for him. The collection agent promised not to call me again for a couple weeks. We'll see if he keeps that promise.