My Imminent Divorce

[Ghel]

Thank you.

[SkullKing]

So I guess I've moved on, somewhat. It's a process, though.

True that. Good Luck

[Ghel]

Thanks, SkullKing. I'm working on things, trying to decide where to go next. I started a thread the other day on CS about whether I want to buy a house locally or move to the Twin Cities, which mostly hinges on annual reviews and what kind of raise goes along with that.

My BF has basically moved in with me. He spends 4-5 days a week with me, and 2-3 days with his mom, when he has his son. I'm still poly, but I'm not seeing anyone else right now.

So I guess I've moved on, somewhat. It's a process, though.

[SkullKing]

Hadn´t seent he update yet.

Congratulation on enduring all this.

How are things now, have you been able to move on?

[Ghel]

I finally got my divorce papers in the mail yesterday! Hooray!

Now to get my name changed on everything.


Also waiting for my final bill. All I got with these papers was a "for your records" note.

[victory sabre]

I believe this is it

http://lprb.mncourts.gov/Pages/Default.aspx

[Ghel]

I just want to get this over with. I got called in last week to sign the corrected document, and it was still wrong. My attorney said she hadn't noticed.

But I went in last night and signed the final, corrected document. The end is in sight!

Once I get the final bill, I may attempt to find a regulatory body I can complain to.

[s_stabeler]

I hate to say this, Ghel, but you need a new lawyer. I've been thinking about this, and there's only one way all this makes any kind of sense. That is if your husband agreed with your lawyer to ensure her fees got paid in full if she agreed to ensure you got stitched up.

specifically- your assets not being listed means it's assumed they are communal property- so STBEH would be able to claim at least 50%. the proof of income is actually fair- the idea is "if you want him to reveal his income in case you can ask for more, he is entitled to know yours in case he can ask for less"

[victory sabre]

WOW! Not a big deal? That's insane. INAL, but, that seems to be misconduct on her part.

I know there's an ethics board for the MN Bar. You might want to consider contacting them if you have any more problems with her.

[Ghel]

This is still ongoing.

I contacted my attorney the following Monday, like I said I was going to, and told her that I wanted to accept STBEH's offer. I just wanted to be done with it.

And then I waited. Finally, I called her in late December. She said that they were still working on the papers for the agreement. Ok. And she asked them to increase the amount STBEH was paying me to $750. Without asking me. I said no. I had agreed to what he'd offered. I didn't want him to back out because I asked for a measly $250 more. She said ok. And she said she had asked them to add in a clause that STBEH had to send me copies of his W2s every year as proof of his income, in case he started making as much as he used to and I had a case for asking for alimony. Ok, whatever. I was tired of arguing.

Last weekend, I finally got a copy of this agreement in the mail. My attorney's cover letter said that she'd gone over it and it looked fine, but I should look over it, too. And then call her. I looked over it. None of my assets or debts were listed. My car was listed as being in my name only, when it's actually titled in both our names. In the part where we split our assets and debts, it didn't list mine either, which essentially meant I would have no proof that I get to keep my own checking, savings, and retirement fund. And the part that says he has to send me proof of income every year also says I have to send him mine. I'd almost rather that whole section was left out, so I could be done with him. But I'm just tired of arguing about it.

I went over all this with my attorney, and she acted surprised. She'd missed all that. But she tried to say it wasn't a big deal - if I was ok with signing it as it was, it would make it seem like I was in a much worse position than STBEH. I told her I wasn't going to sign something that wasn't correct. In my mind, I was saying, "this is a legal document! It gets submitted to the court! A judge has to sign it! If I knowingly leave things out, it's perjury!" But I didn't say that to her - she should know.

I assumed the mediator would be drawing up the documents. But it's actually STBEH's attorney. I'm not sure why.

I just want this to be done. I feel like my attorney is dragging this out so she can charge me more money. She's already used up all of the retainer, and I doubt the $500 I'm supposed to get from STBEH is going to cover the rest.

[SkullKing]

Damn Ghel, that tough.

Good luck with this. I know it is exhaustion but you did the right thing preparing. It is way better to be overprepared than underprepared.

[Ghel]

I spent 3 1/2 hours at the attorney's office today for the mediation, and it looks like I won't be able to get spousal maintenance.

The mediator was nice enough, and of course she was doing her job to try to find a settlement we both could agree on. It's just that the settlement STBEH offered was to not force me to give him half of my retirement fund in exchange for not having to pay maintenance.

We went over our assets, debts, and income. Apparently, STBEH's retirement that he cashed in doesn't enter into the calculations. We have to look at what our assets and debts were when we split. And then we have to look at our income now to determine if STBEH's has the ability to pay maintenance. He's claiming he doesn't have any extra income now with which to pay maintenance. And the mediator seems to think the judge will agree.

Because STBEH cashed in his retirement, and that money's gone, that probably won't be factored in if we go before the judge. But my retirement will, since I was frugal and saved as much money as I could, while STBEH spent all his on going out to eat, buying gaming systems, and buying vaping supplies while he was unemployed.

My attorney still thinks I can get maintenance, but it will require spending several thousand dollars more, and my retainer fee is used up already. Even to attempt temporary maintenance will cost another $1000 that I don't have. And I might only get $200-$300 per month for maybe 5 years. Subtracting off whatever I have to pay in legal fees, I'm not sure it's worth it. Especially when it sounds like STBEH won't have to pay my legal fees. It already pisses me off that I had to take out a loan to pay the retainer.

Worst case scenario, our assets and debts will be split evenly as of when we separated, which could mean I owe him as much as $10,000 out of my retirement fund. Best case (which seems unlikely at this point), I'll be awarded $500 a month for 5 years.

When I counter-offered to either take $175 a month for 5 years or $10,000 as a lump sum, he responded by offering to pay $500 of my legal fees if we just went our separate ways. Which is a joke. An insult. It pisses me off more than anything else about today.

I told my attorney and the mediator I'd have to think about it. STBEH's offer of just going our separate ways will be on the table until Monday, so I said I'd call my attorney then.

[Ghel]

Thanks. The mediation is scheduled for next Thursday. I hope it goes smoothly. I just want this to be done, so I can move on.

[Canarr]

That doesn't sound all that bad; at least there's a silver lining. Good luck with the mediation!

[Ghel]

The hearing was actually rather anti-climactic. STBEH didn't show, but his lawyer was there. Well, actually, his lawyer couldn't make it, so she sent someone else from her firm.

While we were waiting in the hallway, my lawyer pointed out that it was very bad form for STBEH not to be there, since they delayed the hearing 3 months specifically so that he could make arrangements to be there. Then she went over to talk to the other lawyer. I could overhear most of what they were saying. His lawyer didn't seem to be aware that STBEH is making almost twice what I am. Which seems weird, since they have the same paperwork that I do, showing his income vs. mine.

I didn't even have to go in front of the judge. The two lawyers had a meeting with the judge in his chambers while I waited in the hallway. Luckily, I brought a book to read. I was also over-prepared, with copies of bank statements, showing what actually happened with the things he accused me of, and tax returns going back to 2009, showing that he's made over twice as much as me going at least that far back.

The next step is mediation. That will be scheduled within the next couple weeks. My lawyer is ok with STBEH attending by phone, since I'll be able to make eye contact with the mediator and he'll be just a disembodied voice. If the mediation goes smoothly, that will be about it. If STBEH fights it, it will go to another hearing and trial.

I can't wait to get this done. I keep dwelling on what I'll say in different circumstances. I know it's important to be prepared, but this is too much. I wish my brain would just shut up for a while.