I Don't Get It (Differences Between Friend/Boyfriend)

[CooperArt]

I rescheduled on him and he couldn't make it. I'm going to see the movie tonight.

[bex1218]

Its one thing to ask and stop. It is another to push the issue further. Be careful.

[CooperArt]

Let me get this straight, you are uncomfortable enough that you need pepper spray but still are going to the movie with him? please don't

Anxiety disorder. And I haven't been taking my meds as often as I should. He's made his feelings clear for a while, and we used to hang out after dark a lot, so it should be fine, but that "little voice" that comes with my anxiety has been whispering all sorts of things lately. It's hard to tell what's rational and what isn't. (I've been making an effort to take my medication every day because of this.)

Plus, it'll make me feel better at college. My anxiety acts up when I leave college at the end of my classes (at night), because my college is in a nearby big city. I could just not have classes at night, but that isn't really feasible considering I set up my classes that way due to other considerations.

[gremcint]

Let me get this straight, you are uncomfortable enough that you need pepper spray but still are going to the movie with him? please don't

[Peppergirl]

Thanks for the explanation. I was on my work computer and I know they track our searches, so didn't want to search for a definition on there. Even though I don't find it inappropriate, work might feel differently.

Anyway, yeah - I think he's creepy. Have you had any contact with him since this conversation? Is a slow fade out of the friendship a possibility versus actually coming out and telling him to get lost?

[CooperArt]

I bought pepper spray, as trying to import friends into the situation has been an utter failure. I invited four of them (so basically all that are in the state) and three of them have to work, and one doesn't know yet.

It's not that I don't think I can take him. It's that I've realized the movie theatre is just dark enough he may decide he can try something.

I'm letting the friendship remain online only for a while. Let the creepiness stay away from me and with proof.

As for the sex thing: I shouldn't have said that. I have an asexual but not aromantic friend (don't I feel like the guy who "has a black friend" right now) and I should be more sensitive to her lack-of-sexuality.

As for the genderqueer thing, it's been obvious for a long time that, while I'm not intersex, I have a very high amount of testosterone for a girl. I have a moustache, for one thing. I'm lucky in that it's more acceptable for women to break gender roles than men, but that doesn't mean I haven't gotten flak for it. People in school joked I was a cross-dresser.

I get a lot of compliments for my more masculine job (tearing apart motors) and have been bullied enough that I've stopped caring if I get called a "bitch" for my forward ways. But at the same time, I still like to wear dresses sometimes. I think I'm not going to ask that anyone calls me "him" or "he." I feel better just knowing there's a box for me to fit in, that there are other people like me.

[siead_lietrathua]

Although admittedly, I don't know what 'genderqueer' means..does that make a difference to the situation? Can you explain?

gender-queer is basically someone that doesn't identify with either gender, but considers themselves somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. imperfect examples are tomboys and transvestites*.
it can make a difference at times. gender-queers tend to not like to be forced into their biological gender role. causes a bit of chafing at the bit. so when we wind up with a partner that expects us to act like our bio-genders all. the. time. it gets tiring. if we know in advance someone is more traditional about gender roles, they just tend to not to become partners.


to the OP: i think your friendship with this guy might not work out. if he's convinced he can both change you, and that if you just tried you'd come around... he's not gonna stop trying. and that's just gonna drive you nuts. plus, if he really is in love with you, it's gonna hurt him in the long run to just have to be friends, and see you dating other partners.
give it some time, but if he keeps being pushy, or starts being an asshole over everything, you might wanna cut your losses for a while.
if ya'll are really friends, you can pick up the friendship again later once heads and hearts have cooled off.


*i said transvestites, not transgender. they are different things, and not two words for the same identity. so no head biting.

[Peppergirl]

Another one for creepy-vibes. Proceed (trying to remain friends) with caution.

Although admittedly, I don't know what 'genderqueer' means..does that make a difference to the situation? Can you explain?

[Greenday]

Yeah, I'm putting in another vote for that was a bit skin crawly to read and I don't think he's liable to give up on it. I mean he knows you don't swing his way but is still willing to take whatever he can get in the hopes of leveling up as you put it.

This. Plus with the "I can convert you" attitude, how long before he starts to think that if he can just get you to hook up with him, it'll change things for his benefit? And if he finds a chance to force the situation, it'll change you so you'll be okay with it.

[patiokitty]

I don't think the line between "friend" and "boyfriend" is sex.

It is possible to be in a romantic relationship without sex, so I obviously agree with the above quote. For me, a romantic partner is somebody I can see myself living the rest of my life with, for better or for worse. Waking up to in the morning, and going to bed with at night. Somebody who will be my partner in life...and if sex is a part of it, cool. If not, it's not the end of the world.

But when it comes to D, I'm with everybody else who is saying he's giving off creepy vibes. I don't think he is going to stop trying for more with you until you hit him with a cluebat.

I get the whole genderqueer thing because that is how I identify as well. I'm physically female, sure, but I sure as hell don't feel like it much of the time, but I also don't identify as feeling male either. I feel like I'm some blend of the two, and it seems to work for me. As a plus, realizing that I didn't have to stick with role of seeming female all the time helped some with my depression and anxiety - I can be myself and to hell with everybody else.

But yeah, definitely start putting distance between yourself and D, Cooper, before he does anything both of you will live to regret.

[Parrothead]

Do. He's setting off a boatload of warning bells.

[CooperArt]

I don't think I'll disinvite him to the movie, but I'll be keeping him at an arms length from here-on-out. I don't have a very good creepy meter, so I wasn't really picking up on it.

I figured the movie was a pretty good test, because if he couldn't control himself with my little sister in tow, then he couldn't at all. But I can't help feel like I agree with the "turning you straight" and "you're an object to win" undertones being present. I may invite more friends.

[Gravekeeper]

Yeah, I'm putting in another vote for that was a bit skin crawly to read and I don't think he's liable to give up on it. I mean he knows you don't swing his way but is still willing to take whatever he can get in the hopes of leveling up as you put it.

I think once someone is actively and, honestly, kind of pathetically/immaturely pleading their case to try and overturn your decision on the matter things have entered the creepy zone. Especially given the subtle maybe I can cure you of The Gay(tm) part. Then slinking away like a puppy that's been kicked as if this is your fault.

He sounds like a Nice Guy. >.>

[HYHYBT]

I don't think the line between "friend" and "boyfriend" is sex.

[Greenday]

Seems a bit obsessive to me. And not in a cute way. Totally sets off my creeper vibes.

Sometimes you just have to take no as an answer and deal with it. It's part of life.