Am I selfish for wanting a vasectomy??

[mjr]

This may be TMI, but here goes...

Ok, basic situation is this:

My wife and I met in 2002, and married in May of 2004. So this coming May (2015) we will have been married 11 years. She will be in her mid-40's on her birthday, and I'll be 39 on mine.

We have a 9, going on 10 year old son. And with circumstances that happened during the pregnancy, combined with our ages, we decided it was not a good idea to try for a second child.

Now, when we were dating and officially a couple (boyfriend/girlfriend) before we got married, we ALWAYS used condoms.

The DAY we got married we stopped using them (as a lot of newly-married couples do). We wanted to conceive as quickly as possible.

So, during that time (up to and including the pregnancy) we didn't use condoms. After our son was born, we went back to them.

So we've been using them as our primary form of birth control for around 11 years or so.

Honestly, I just no longer want to do this (use condoms). I've been giving serious thought to getting a vasectomy. My wife said she tried birth control pills in college, and had adverse and unexpected side effects, so her taking birth control pills is out of the question. Though I have heard that the odds of a woman in her mid 40's getting pregnant naturally are very, very low, we still use condoms.

So am I selfish for wanting to do this (get "the snip")? My wife has expressed concerns that it is "a surgery" (even though it's outpatient and takes about 15 minutes).

My counter to that is, that now there is what's called a "no scalpel" vasectomy, and if she can go through a C-Section, I can go through an anesthetized pin prick to my scrotum.

I also think it would help our sex life improve. Obviously, sex feels better without a condom. At least to me it does.

So, am I selfish? How should I approach this with the Mrs.? I'd really like to get the procedure done ASAP, so I can hopefully be "clean" (two "no sperm" samples) by our anniversary.

For clarification: My wife has not said that she thinks I'm selfish. I just want to see if anyone thinks I AM being selfish here.

Any thoughts?

[Greenday]

I've been married for almost two weeks, I'm in my mid-20s, have no kids, and I want a vasectomy. If you're done having kids, there's no reason not to get one if you want it. Even condoms aren't 100% effective.

[s_stabeler]

I'm not 100% sure about your reasons for wanting a vasectomy (it seems a little weird to get one juts because you don't want to use condoms anymore) but ultimately, if the primary reason is you will never want kids anymore, then fine. That, and it's ultimately your decision. To answer your question, no you aren't selfish- I'd look sideways if your wife wanted kids in future ( making it impossible might be selfish then) but since neither of you want kids? feel free.

[MadMike]

Selfish is conceiving kids and not taking care of them. I never understood how taking measures to not produce unwanted offspring was "selfish."

For the record, I had it done almost 8 years ago. While it wasn't as painless as I would have liked, I got through it even though I'm a big wimp. The only thing I regret was not getting the painkiller prescription filled. They told me I "should need it", so I didn't bother. I felt great once it was done, so I didn't feel I needed it. Then the anesthetic wore off, and I felt like someone had kicked me.

The brochure they gave me said that I should stay off my feet for the first two days, but the doctor told me that one day would be fine. The did it on a Friday morning. My appointment was at 8:45, and by 9:45 I was back home on the couch. I went through a lot of ice packs, and then they had me wearing a cup for the weekend. After that, I was relatively pain-free, but I was told not to do any heavy lifting for the rest of the week.

[wolfie]

One thing to consider - you and your wife are happily married, and she doesn't want another kid. What happens if circumstances change (e.g. a drunk runs a red light and hits your wife's car)? If you wind up remarrying, do you want to be in a position where you CAN'T have kids with your second wife?

I'd recommend not making an irreversible decision (theoretically vasectomies are reversible, but it's VERY expensive and has a low success rate) unless you're sure you NEVER want another kid regardless of what happens in your life.

[s_stabeler]

Selfish is conceiving kids and not taking care of them. I never understood how taking measures to not produce unwanted offspring was "selfish."

I can see it in some circumstances. To give one example, wife wants kids, but is prepared to wait- husband doesn't want kids, and without discussing it with his wife, has a vasectomy so he can't have kids. In that situation, he's more or less saying that the wife's desire for kids doesn't matter. ( NOTE- I'm NOT saying that the husband would need to have a kid, just that he should have left the option open in case he changed his mind)

but yeah, I agree that it's not a decision to be taken lightly- you need to be 1090% sure that you will never want kids again, since while reversal operations are possible, they're far from guaranteed. ( I think there's something like a 30 or 40% success rate at most)

[lordlundar]

Ultimately it's your body and your choice. You've obviously thought about this and discussed it with the only other person that matters in this situation (your wife) so, quite frankly what I or any other person here thinks does not matter in the slightest. While it's nice that you regard us as so important to ask for our opinions on this, no one here has any right or authority to judge you so anything anyone says here is their opinion, nothing more.

I'm not going to say one way or the other apart from whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

[Greenday]

What happens if circumstances change (e.g. a drunk runs a red light and hits your wife's car)? If you wind up remarrying, do you want to be in a position where you CAN'T have kids with your second wife?

Pretty horrible scenario to suggest but I'll give it a whirl and say what I've been saying to those people who used to say to me "But what if the woman you marry wants kids?" The answer is "Then I won't marry her because she isn't right for me." Hopefully adults are responsible enough to determine if their potential spouse wants kids and if the answers don't match up, you don't stick together.

[mjr]

Pretty horrible scenario to suggest but I'll give it a whirl and say what I've been saying to those people who used to say to me "But what if the woman you marry wants kids?" The answer is "Then I won't marry her because she isn't right for me." Hopefully adults are responsible enough to determine if their potential spouse wants kids and if the answers don't match up, you don't stick together.

That is reasonable.

[Andara Bledin]

One thing to consider - you and your wife are happily married, and she doesn't want another kid. What happens....

You could play the what if game until you're paralyzed. And there are worse scenarios with greater likelihood that involve not getting fixed.

If someone sincerely has no desire to have more (or any) children, then it's actually a good decision to arrange things such that they won't have any accidentally. If they want to keep their options open, there's always sperm/ova banks and one shouldn't forget adoption.

[HYHYBT]

I've been married for almost two weeks

Congratulations!

[fireheart17]

Selfish is conceiving kids and not taking care of them. I never understood how taking measures to not produce unwanted offspring was "selfish."

Really, it's only selfish if you do it without you and your partner having a serious conversation about birth control and raising children first.
My partner and I did this conversation. I'm on the contraceptive implant, although we're going to start looking at other options soon as we've found that after every implant changeover, I wind up having a major breakdown for months afterwards. We have used condoms and we may go back to this route later down the track.

[gremcint]

1. it's your body if you want a vasectomy it's completely up to you.
2. if you change your mind later you can always adopt a child.

It doesn't matter whether it's selfish or not

[Kheldarson]

1. it's your body if you want a vasectomy it's completely up to you.
2. if you change your mind later you can always adopt a child.

It doesn't matter whether it's selfish or not

Actually it does matter. When you're in a relationship, particularly a committed one like marriage, making a unilateral decision that affects both parties is the height of selfishness and speaks poorly of your relationship.

And this goes both ways and for any major decision. It's not selfish to want a vasectomy; it's selfish to get one without telling your wife so she can have input on the procreation decision (even if it's that you and she are incompatible and she's moving on). It's not selfish to want to have kids; it's selfish to stop taking your birth control without telling your partner. It's not selfish to want to bail out a friend financially; it's selfish if you do so at the cost of you and your partner's stability.

So my big advice for the OP is to talk to your wife. Find out where she stands on the issue of you guys having kids again. Then you two can decide what you want to do in terms of BC and your relationship.

[tabbyblack13]

Being selfish is wanting a child because they will love you unconditionally.

I think you and to talk to your wife about her concerns about the vasectomy and maybe even come with you when you go to the Dr.