Why women leave men they love

[Aragarthiel]

I came across this today: http://www.justiceschanfarber.com/ma...n-leave-cheat/

It's hard for me to explain exactly what the article is about, but the best I can do is say that women leave because their husband stops showing a passion for her. He gets caught up in his hobbies, stops listening, and does what he likes to do.

It was the comments that urged me to post it here. It seems that a lot of the men think that a little sincere time with their wives is too much to ask for, but really, is it? Is it too much for a woman to ask that you lay in bed and watch a movie together, or that you actually take a moment to listen to her talk about her day?

The article really resonated with me. I understand that some men have different ways of expressing their passion or affection, but here at home, I'm left begging to spend time with Hubs, because he's of the mindset that he works 40 hours a week and so he can play video games or watch TV all he wants when he's home. I tell him things three or four times before he actually listens, and I rarely only have to ask a question once. Now, he's not a bad guy, far from it, but I don't get time to just be with him anymore. He's always occupied with something else, and despite the fact that he's always either at work or home, I really miss him.

At the bottom of the article, it also explains that women do this, however, it seems to be primarily a male thing. There are probably multiple reasons for this, which I won't go into, but I can say that when one spouse is never fully present, it portrays apathy for the other spouse, and nobody wants to be with someone they think doesn't care about them. When one's need for intimacy (not sex, there's a difference) is ignored, they suffer for it. Those two things put together make, to me, a pretty good reason for anyone to leave their spouse.

[TheHuckster]

I have to admit, there are times where I find myself being "that guy." A lot of it is just introvertedness, or simply me wanting to do things I enjoy, which my wife isn't interested in. The same goes for her: She does things I am not particularly interested in, at which point we each get our "me time."

We have an understanding, though, that if either of us feels the other is getting too distant or self-consumed with their own activities to let the other know. Because between those activities we're more passionate about in alone time, there are many others that we enjoy doing together. And we must respect that sometimes one or the other needs some together time and bonding.

If your husband is doing his own thing all the time, then I can see how that's a problem. I suggest you find something to do that you both enjoy and engage him in it.

[Andara Bledin]

Honestly, I don't get the idea that two people with nothing but a marriage certificate in common have to stay together.

My ex and I grew apart, and rather than be marginally content together, we split up and are not much happier apart.

Then again, the hubby used to work with a guy that thought that married people should share dinner and their bed and nothing else. I don't even know how you'd call that a relationship, much less a marriage.

[Aragarthiel]

If your husband is doing his own thing all the time, then I can see how that's a problem. I suggest you find something to do that you both enjoy and engage him in it.

We've been working on that, but there are two major opposite factors at work here that make it difficult:

1) I'm home all the time with the baby, so I want to go out and do stuff all the time, even if it's just walking around the park.

2) He's at work all the time and enjoys being at home, and I can't blame him.

I managed to get him to compromise by watching shows that I'd enjoy as well when he's home. It's a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

Honestly, I don't get the idea that two people with nothing but a marriage certificate in common have to stay together.

If you really have nothing in common, then I don't get it either, but the problem is that you can start out with everything in common. Things happen and both of you change (as people always do), and you're left thinking, "I invested this much time in this relationship, and it used to be so amazing. What happened?" In that mindset, it's hard to figure out that maybe leaving your spouse might be the best choice for everyone.

[TheHuckster]

We've been working on that, but there are two major opposite factors at work here that make it difficult:

1) I'm home all the time with the baby, so I want to go out and do stuff all the time, even if it's just walking around the park.

2) He's at work all the time and enjoys being at home, and I can't blame him.

Any chance you could convince him to have a prescheduled "date night" at least once a week? Doesn't have to be anything fancy or even something you do out of the house, but at least something that's more than just watching TV together. I mean, yeah, it's not as romantic and elegant as other arrangements, but at least there's a concrete expectation of doing something as a couple.

If you really have nothing in common, then I don't get it either, but the problem is that you can start out with everything in common. Things happen and both of you change (as people always do), and you're left thinking, "I invested this much time in this relationship, and it used to be so amazing. What happened?" In that mindset, it's hard to figure out that maybe leaving your spouse might be the best choice for everyone.

I think a lot of long term relationships and marriages end up this way, where during your "honeymoon" phase before and shortly after the wedding you're always doing things together and having fun, and then gradually you sort of become more and more "domestic" in the sense that you basically exist together in the same house, not interacting with each other nearly as much as you used to. If you feel like this is going to sum up the rest of your life with him, then I can see why you might be considering leaving.

On the other hand, if you really love him and feel like he loves you, and you want things to improve instead of leaving, I implore you try what you can to get the spark back. At one point my wife and I (before marriage) were in an especially difficult spot where it was not only this sort of thing, but a couple other problems that were serious enough to actually go to couples counseling. And it worked wonders for us. A lot of it was just giving us the catalyst to talk about our deepest feelings and get to the bottom of what was going on, and pledging to improve what was lacking for the others' sake. All it took for us anyway was 3 or 4 sessions and we were back on track.

It only works if you each want to continue, and you each are willing to make a couple sacrifices to do so.

[Greenday]

Maybe it's because my wife and I have always been and will still be long distance for another year that the idea of ignoring your spouse makes no sense to me. There's nothing wrong with having different hobbies and doing your own thing. But when my wife and I are together, we always do whatever we can together. Even if I'm on my laptop, BSing away on video games, I stay in the living room with my wife as she watches her TV shows just so we can spend time together. She'll come to my bowling leagues even though she'll be bored to tears, just so she's with me. If your hobbies are so time absorbing that you can't afford half an hour or so with your spouse, then why even be married in the first place?

[Aragarthiel]

Any chance you could convince him to have a prescheduled "date night" at least once a week?

With Little Ara, who's 1, and Hubs's work schedule, we can really only do once or twice a month, but that's not the issue. We spend plenty of actual time together, but no matter how hard I try to make it actual quality time, he finds a way to make it about whatever we're doing instead of being together.

I think what the problem is, is that he's fallen into the same trap many of the male commenters from the link in the OP have. He thinks that because he works all day while I stay home and take care of the house and kid, he's providing enough for me. I ask him sometimes if I'm his wife or his live-in maid/nanny, and usually that clues him in for a while that there's more to being married than just providing for someone.

[telecom_goddess]

Maybe it's because my wife and I have always been and will still be long distance for another year that the idea of ignoring your spouse makes no sense to me.

Same thing here. My girlfriend and I have been together 2 years now, and were long distance until recently. When I finally got to spend time with her, there was no way I wanted to do things on my own. I want to be with her. I still get alone time because she's not always here, but when she is she's priority.

[Gravekeeper]

At the bottom of the article, it also explains that women do this, however, it seems to be primarily a male thing.

I would debate that. Its an unhealthy/not functioning relationship thing, not a male thing. Ignoring your significant other ( and not picking up or acknowledging their feelings when you do so ) isn't a gender thing. It can also be a warning sign of depression, poor work/life balance, etc in the person who is doing the ignoring.

If their job is killing them to the point of having nothing left in the tank emotionally for anyone else ( or they're suffering from depression and have no emotions left ) then you have the same apparent problem on the surface but the root cause isn't complacence or selfishness. ( Depression fucking sucks that way ).

Edit: Having finished the article, its kind of cutting both ways. Both in stereo-typically labeling men as the most common offender of this with their inattentive manly ways, as well as portraying women as emotionally finicky creatures that will go fuck someone else if their daily life isn't a romance novel. His little disclaimer at the bottom doesn't help the impression.

[Aragarthiel]

That's why I said it SEEMS to be a primarily male thing, I only know what my personal experience has taught me. I can understand that women can ignore men just as much as men can ignore women, in fact, women can be even better at it. In my experience, though, men do it without realizing it. They develop a kind of blindness to their wife's emotional needs, and don't realize it when she tries to initiate some sort of intimacy. Whereas I've seen women do it as "punishment" for something.

I know there are all kinds of relationship dynamics out there so you can't say that something IS one way or another, however, I have to wonder if men are more likely to be wired to get so caught up in something that they completely ignore others.

[Tama]

I think there's a term for that.

I've heard it said that men "compartmentalize" easier than women.

[Gravekeeper]

I've heard it said that men "compartmentalize" easier than women.

If you put the average male and female brains side by side, yes, men compartmentalize better. Or more specifically, they focus on a singular task better and separate them better while women focus on multiple tasks and how they are connected better. Men have significantly more grey matter while women have significantly more white matter. Think of it as processing vs networking. However, there are exceptions to both rules of course. Everyone is different. -.-

However, compartmentalizing is not a negative thing. The problem is it may get taken too far as a result of stress like I suggested before. Admittedly, I recognize the "shut down" warning signs in Aragarthiel tale. Stress and/or mental illness are the boxes you need to tick off first.

Coping with stress is probably where the stereotype comes from though. When coping with stress, men and women can be very different. Men release very little oxytocin ( the feel good bonding chemical ) when stressed compared to women. So men compartmentalize to cope with stress. Else we go into full on fight or flight mode.

I think I've mentioned before that I was diagnosed with PTSD and the last several years of my life have been living with it unknowingly. I can tell you how I coped with it prior: I shut down and focused on a singular task ( typically a video game or something, it didn't really matter what long as it was enough to mentally engage ) and my emotions died. They are still largely dead. -.-

When I have an episode, I enter full fight or flight mode. Anxiety/stress for me is like being trapped in a room with a bear and the knowledge only one of us is leaving the place alive. That is the literal physical reaction I have. In my case the reaction is so severe ( my muscles tense right up in preparation for running or bear fighting ) that I require a prescription for chronic muscle pain. The main way I cope on a daily basis is burying myself in a singular task.

I am better these days since I was forced to resign and go on disability. I can almost normally converse with other people again ;p. But when I was in the middle of it, well, I don't even know. I basically can't remember the last 5ish years of my career ( or life ). My family says it was alternatively like talking to a corpse or a suicidal depressive though and that I displayed zero emotions and was just going through the motions of life.

Its sobering when you have multiple people tell you they were worried you were going to kill yourself. -.-

[Tama]

You have just made my husband's shutdown moments make waaaaaaay more sense.

He has been super stressed lately due to the car not running right and will sit in his room in the dark watching Youtube videos before he feels able to talk to me without snapping. I could never figure out why--well I knew why, he wanted to be alone for a while, but I didn't really UNDERSTAND. Thanks for clarifying.

[LewisLegion]

I can't comment on men vs. women in these scenarios but from my perspective (being engaged and about to marry another woman).

We too have had a long distance relationship, being on separate sides of the planet. I was just visiting her a couple of weeks ago (my first time in the Land Where All is Death Waiting to Strike...aka Australia) and we discussed this very thing.

We're both major introverts. We're both diagnosed on the Autism spectrum (Aspergers, yes, both with actual medical diagnoses). We both understand the importance of alone time and how sometimes even someone you want to love and adore being with is too much stimulation for you to handle. I have the added bonus of also having several medical conditions and chronic pain so on my bad days, isolating myself from as much stimulus as possible can be the only thing that gets me through).

So we know how important private and alone time is for each of us. But we also know that there is such a thing as what is mentioned in that article...too much alone time where the other spouse starts to feel ignored or put aside. So we are going to make sure, right from the beginning, that we get at least a day or a night a week that is just us, our 'date night'.

It shouldn't be too hard- we both love the same things: movies, video games, geek conventions, etc- and don't really have hobbies the other one doesn't. We're both also a bit older than most people when they get married for the first time (she's 35 and I'm 40). Not sure if that helps, or both of us being women makes a difference (I expect not, or not much). But I think being aware of the common pitfalls that come over a lot of couples BEFORE you get married and discussing them certainly isn't harmful and can be extraordinarily helpful. Not just the 'spend time together' thing but the 'money' thing, the 'communication' thing, the 'dominance thing' (one spouse treating the other like a parent rather than a partner and dictating what friends the other is 'allowed' to have, etc.) All of which are common reasons relationships fail.

Anyway, just my two cents.