other people giving you a gift by giving to a charity

[barainca]

Hi, long time CS lurker here. I read an article in the Daily Mail today about a woman complaining about receiving a gift from a person in the form of a donation to a charity that the giver chose. After reading the comments, I saw that many people were divided on the issue and I wanted to see what you all thought. Here's the link: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...Christmas.html

Hopefully I posted it right

[Lace Neil Singer]

I may be in the minority here, but I'd be very annoyed if someone did this to me. Firstly, it's like they're only doing it in order to trumpet "Look at me! I'm the most generous, selfless person evar cuz I am giving to CHARATEEEE!" rather than cuz of any generosity on their part. Second, it's sort of like the equivilent of giving someone a horrible jumper or a pair of novelty socks; you haven't bothered to get that person something that they'd actually like. If that person has said, "Don't give me a present, donate to charity" that's all well and good; otherwise, do it out of your own money and get that person a thoughtful gift that they'd really enjoy. Maybe get the cards from a charity shop instead; lots of charity shops do Christmas cards. Or cut back on your own spending and instead donate to charity, rather than nixing someone else out of a gift.

[crashhelmet]

This is something a friend of mine does and it's something I've considered doing myself. For me, it comes down to either not knowing what to give them, if anything at all, or in the case of my nieces and nephews, I know they're going to sell/trade what i get them anyway, so why not make it mean something.

If they want to get upset about not getting to pick the charity, that's fine. But to get upset about the donation itself is downright selfishness.

CH

[linguist]

for me, it would depend on the charity. for example, i've been a recipient of help from the united way, and now that i'm in a better place, i give back to them whenever i can. i'd have no problem with someone making a donation in my name to them. on the other hand, i would not want my name to be attached to any donation to a charity whose ideals or methods i don't agree with, such as peta, and i would be upset if someone gave to them in my name.

[Dreamstalker]

Exactly. If I get to pick the charity (MSPCA Angell Animal Medical Center saved McGriff's life at least once) and didn't have a problem with their views/ideals/methods, then I wouldn't have an issue with it.

[jackfaire]

For me I don't get a lot of gifts most years I don't get any gifts at all. Not everyone in my family can afford to buy everyone gifts.


That being said if your going to donate to a charity I encourage you to do so I do not begrudge you helping unfortunates out.

Do not say it's on my behalf.

Reasons to follow

1) If I don't donate to said charity it feels like your judging me for that.

2) Unless it's a charity for a situation I have personally been in what does it have to do with me.

[Boozy]

I have a problem with the author of that article.

First of all, just because she doesn't consider a charitable donation a "gift" doesn't mean that everyone feels that way. I think a charitable donation makes a wonderful gift. The best gift is something that someone would enjoy but can't afford. Charitable donations are a classic example of this; as household incomes rise, so too do their charitable donations. Many families consider charitable giving to be a "luxury item"; something they only do when they have a bit of extra money.

Second, it's rude to get bitchy about a gesture made in the spirit of giving. Personally, I don't feel that a bottle of wine is a much of a gift -- because I work at a wine store and already have a full cellar. But guess what? If someone wants to give me a bottle of wine, I smile and say thank you. And I genuinely appreciate the gesture, if not the item itself.

It's incredibly unclassy to write an entire op ed piece about people giving you shit you don't like. My advice to her would be to make fewer friends that want to give you things. She is well on her way, I think.

Gifts are hit and miss. At least with a charitable donation, someone is likely to enjoy the money you've spent.

The one thing I will say is that giving the recipient a choice of charities is best -- or at the very least, choose a charity that is close to their hearts even if it's not your first choice. Did you know that you can give someone a charitable "gift card"? You can buy them online, and then the recipient logs onto the site and selects from a large variety of registered charities. It's fun for the recipient and allows them the "warm fuzzy" of giving.

[BlaqueKatt]

otherwise, do it out of your own money and get that person a thoughtful gift that they'd really enjoy.<snip>. Or cut back on your own spending and instead donate to charity, rather than nixing someone else out of a gift.

most of the people I know that donate to a charity in someone's name are people that are older(grandparents, aunts, uncles), and tired of getting thoughtful gifts for ungrateful people. It's actually suggested as an acceptable course of action by numerous "advice columnists", especially for teens that "don't feel like acknowledging any gift". It's kind of a "Hey, I don't get a thank you, you don't get a gift-stop taking my generosity for granted" thing.

[MaggieTheCat]

I personally dislike getting cards of any kind (not gift cards, mind you, just cards, like Christmas cards or birthday cards.) I would be happy if nobody ever got me a card ever again and instead spent the card money toward charity -- even if it was a charity I wasn't particularly interested in. At least someone is benefiting from the money then. Cards, to me, are a complete waste of resources. I especially dislike the mushy Hallmark cards that are supposed to be sappy and make you cry. When I was younger and "required" to get cards for my family for special occasions, I would always get the funny cards. At least you might get a laugh from them.

Sorry for the tangent. Getting back to the OP... why is this woman bitching to the world about this issue? If she has such a problem with her friends giving to charity in her name, she should be telling them, not the rest of the world. Not everyone shares her sentiments, and her friends are just going to keep doing it unless she tells them how much it bothers her.

[Lace Neil Singer]

most of the people I know that donate to a charity in someone's name are people that are older(grandparents, aunts, uncles), and tired of getting thoughtful gifts for ungrateful people. It's actually suggested as an acceptable course of action by numerous "advice columnists", especially for teens that "don't feel like acknowledging any gift". It's kind of a "Hey, I don't get a thank you, you don't get a gift-stop taking my generosity for granted" thing.

So don't give any gift at all, then. Sending a smug email stating you just gave the money to charity is not the answer. A lot of people I've encountered who do this "gift to charity" thing usually are perfectly happy to spend tons of cash on their own family, but want to fob this kind of thing off on friends. It still is to me a very hypocritical thing to do to someone, particularly since you are using their present money. Use your own money too, and I'd see it as being better.

This reminds me of those charity balls where the organisers spend tons of cash on caterers, venue, bands etc and then have the nerve to ask guests to donate.

[DesignFox]

I did not read the article. My own personal feelings are that if you are going to give to charity you should do it with your own money.

To me, unless gift givers agree to donate to charity rather than give gifts beforehand, I think it's a little crappy. Especially if the person didn't even get to choose which charity their "gift" is going to.

Frankly, if I've agreed to exchanging gifts with someone, I sort of expect to get a gift back. If I wanted my money to go to someone else, I'd have given it myself. If the person I plan to give a gift to decides they don't need anything, and would prefer not to receive something, I would probably ask them if they'd like to pick a charity for me to donate to instead.

I mean, it's not like I give gifts because I want something back- I give them because I like to do nice things for people...but...I dunno. It seems weird to me that if you wanted to get something for ME..why would you give my present (essentially) to someone else?

In short- I think it's something both people should agree upon. Not have foisted upon them.

[Slytovhand]

I think the whole idea is ridiculous!

If you want to donate - great!

If you can't afford to donate and buy a gift for me, cool. Make a choice. I'm not so precious that I need to have a gift from anyone.

But do NOT make a donation, and say it's from me!!!

It brings to mind the words 'emotional blackmail', and 'guilt trip'. (sure, the first is inaccurate, but it was just something that came to mind - as far as the emotions it sort of brought up).

Boozy, I do disagree with your ideas about the 'spirit of giving' and bitching about it. Once, for a work KK, I was given a bottle of wine - cheap champagne. What's the issue I have with it? Well, she asked my girlfriend at the time if I drank. She told her 'no' (which I normally don't, and only sort of rarely), and if I do, I will drink Strongbow (a cider). So, WhyTF would she get me a cheap bottle of champers???

Giving should be because you want to (even if 'want to' means you've chosen to get into a Kris Kringle thing). If so, then give something for the person you're giving to, not just something to say you've given something to someone. Try to make the gift special to them, not to you. (hence, also, my thoughts regarding this 'donation gift' thing! And, FTR, I'm not against charity or donations... but that's my thing - not my best mates or any of my other friends!)

[Fire_on_High]

I have to admit, another forum I frequent advocates using charity as a weapon...giving to a charity in the same field but as opposite the person's political views as possible...as a passive-aggressive way to deal with preachy or disliked co-workers, bosses, relatives, etc.

I admit I think the idea is brilliant....but I'd be livid if someone did it to me. Now, a neutral donation...to something like a children's medical charity, sure. You mean well, blah blah. I'm hardcore right wing and I'd rather see a bag of Alpo donated in my name to the local shelter than a million bucks to PETA.

[DesignFox]

Giving should be because you want to (even if 'want to' means you've chosen to get into a Kris Kringle thing). If so, then give something for the person you're giving to, not just something to say you've given something to someone. Try to make the gift special to them, not to you. (hence, also, my thoughts regarding this 'donation gift' thing! And, FTR, I'm not against charity or donations... but that's my thing - not my best mates or any of my other friends!)

Emphasis mine, because I think that was what I was trying to say. You don't get people gifts just to get them something. You get them a gift because you thought about that person and wanted to do something special for them. It's one thing if you know 100% that the cause you sent the donation to is near and dear to that person's heart, and that person has been wanting to donate for some time but never had spare cash to do so.

It's quite another just to randomly throw money at a charity instead of getting a gift for your friend.

At least, that's how I view gift giving. I put a lot of thought into it.

[jackfaire]

I gave charity once. I adopted an animal at the Zoo on behalf of a friend because I knew that is something she cares about and would consider to be a great gift.

As for me there aren't really any charities that get me excited.

I thought of another reason I have issue with it you donate to the Charity in my name then I have to deal with them harassing me for more money for the next 3 years.