Is rape such a big deal?

[DrFaroohk]

Disclaimer: If you randomly cry several times a day, you may not want to be here.

Further disclaimer: Not trying to cast doubt, incite or start a flame war, be sexist or anything else here. Just asking.


Now.

Why is sex such a big deal? More specifically, why are sex CRIMES such a big deal? Are they really a big deal, or did we make them a big deal?

Sometimes it seems like with all the support groups and awareness and stuff going on, its like people telling you that this thing that happened is actually huge, huge thing.

And I mean, ok. Rape victim. You had a penis forcibly entered into you. Probably not cool. But honestly, is it REALLY any worse than, say, having a giant fist forcibly impacted on your face? Or having a knife forcibly entered into your gut?

I'm not trying to diminish anyone's pain, it just seems that the general attitude is that a sex crime is the worst possible thing that can happen to you short of being killed. And maybe...that's our own doing?

[jackfaire]

And I mean, ok. Rape victim. You had a penis forcibly entered into you. Probably not cool. But honestly, is it REALLY any worse than, say, having a giant fist forcibly impacted on your face? Or having a knife forcibly entered into your gut?

The knife part I don't know as I have never been stabbed. I have been punched and kicked. Yes being raped was worse.

Being beaten up hurt both my pride and physically but was relatively easy to get over.

Being raped was like if someone kicked your ass and then took who you were and broke you over their knee like Bane to Batman.

It's like having your soul ripped out and being left a shell of a person who spends years trying to reclaim who you were because someone has destroyed the very essence of who you were. It's having your mind violated and broken as much as your body.

It's a scar that you will carry with you for the rest of your life and never ever be able to be completely put it away no matter how much you wish you could.

[HYHYBT]

I wonder why that is?

(And I wish the subject line made it clear that this was about rape!)

[Rapscallion]

I wonder why that is?

From what I understand, rape is rarely about sex - it's about power over another being. That's why it was more devastating that the OP realised, methinks.

Rapscallion

[Andara Bledin]

Rape is about power and control, and the ability for one person to strike at another in the most personal, intimate, and invasive manner. It is as much an attack of the psyche as it is a physical attack.

It's all well and good to say it's "just sex" but for the overwhelming majority of people, there is no such thing as "just" sex. And this is supported by societal mores, legal restrictions, and censorship laws.

^-.-^

[Ladeeda]

The act is never the end of it. There's also the getting help, potential pregnancy and STIs, and stigma. A woman can be raped in her dorm room wearing jeans and a ratty sweater and be called a slut (she must be, cause otherwise, she wouldn't have gotten raped). There will be people claiming she consented, but regretted it, so is trying to blame the rapist. Especially if she's EVER had sex before. Nevermind if she's had sex with that person before.

And frankly, saying "sex isn't a big deal, so rape shouldn't be a big deal" is like saying "Money's not a big deal, so mugging, housebreaking, and robberies aren't a big deal". Heck, my left pinkie toe is pretty much useless, but it's a big freaking deal if someone pulls the nail off it deliberately.

And it is deliberate. So many people treat rape as something that happens, like lightening or an earthquake. Rape does not just happen. It's something a person does to another, deliberately. For no reason except to harm another person.

Which just puts the blame on the victim. She must have done something, otherwise she wouldn't have gotten raped. Except most people are raped by people they know. Let's add Destroyed Trust to the results. Is this person who is my friend going to assault me if we hang out for pizza and a movie? Better not invite anyone over to play video games, I might get raped.

A constant sense of fear, simmering just under the surface.

Dr, you're a guy. If someone just stuck his penis in your ass without permission, you really think you could just brush it off? Just anal sex that you didn't want, no big deal. Really?

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Probably not cool.

Probably not.

[jackfaire]

The act is never the end of it. There's also the getting help, potential pregnancy and STIs, and stigma. A woman can be raped in her dorm room wearing jeans and a ratty sweater and be called a slut (she must be, cause otherwise, she wouldn't have gotten raped). There will be people claiming she consented, but regretted it, so is trying to blame the rapist. Especially if she's EVER had sex before. Nevermind if she's had sex with that person before. \

And if your a guy add in that you can never tell most people about it because after all "that never happens to guys"

[Ladeeda]

Especially if it's a woman who rapes the man.

Look at any article on a man being raped (if you can find one), and nearly all the comments will be about how "lucky" he is, and how much he must have enjoyed it. Female on male rape is rarely taken seriously, even less than female on male abuse is.

[guywithashovel]

I've never been raped, but depending on how you want to define the terms, I have been pushed around sexually before. Let me explain.

When I was 17 years old, I traveled to Quebec City from Ohio to go to a martial arts convention. I rode up there in a van with members of a martial arts team from a local association. The group was entirely male, and I was the youngest one in the van.

One of the guys in the group---who was 25 at the time---took some kind of a strange "liking" to me. The instant he saw me, he decided that it was hilarious to do little things to make a joke out of me. This included touching me all over my body, making jokes about "passing me around the van," putting his arm around me and telling me I was now his boyfriend, and other such things. He even mooned me a couple of times during the trip.

After going through all of this, I had a rash of complicated feelings. I felt like the smallest, most insignificant person on the planet. After all, if someone could forcibly do all of those things to me that are supposed to be so intimate, then how important could I really be? I felt like an object, a very small object. On top of all of this, it was all written off as just "joking around" and "having fun."

Eventually I was able to move beyond how I felt (I think so, anyway). However, I think this kind of shows why rape is a big deal. It is a complete physical and emotional violation of a person.

[jackfaire]

Or in my case your a child and it's a family member that everyone tells you is "such a great guy, real salt of the earth, pillar of the community"

On top of which you know what coming forward would do to your family so you suffer through it. Now your not just burdened with what the person did/does to you but also you have developed the feeling that unless you keep quiet you could destroy your entire family.

The Child then goes through their entire childhood trying to figure ways out of the situation that don't involve destroying the family.

And if you think the kid is wrong that once they come forward the family will rally to the kid's side your wrong. In most cases the kid's fears are completely justified the family treats them like a pariah and either doesn't believe them or believes that they are a little sociopath out to destroy the family.

[Canarr]

Sex is no big deal. Not to me, at least. But being raped would be.

Raps put it very succinctly: rape is not about sex. Not for the perp, not for the victim. It's about violating someone in the most personal, most invasive way possible, just because the perpetrator can. It's saying, "I can take *everything* from you, and you're powerless to stop me!"

That's why it's such a big deal.

[Amanita]

^This, pretty much. IMHO, rape is worse than killing in some cases. Because sometimes there might be a justifiable reason to kill (self defense, or defense of another), there is NEVER a justifiable reason for rape. It's dehumanization in the worst form possible.

[Eisa]

everything

Basically everything jackfaire said. I haven't ever been stabbed, but I've been beat up. I prefer being beaten up to being raped again. As a child or as an adult. And when you're re-victimized, all it does is re-affirm that all you're good for is being someone's play toy.

And especially as a child, you can end up carrying ALL the blame for it, even if it's just in your own head. 'It must be my fault because otherwise that means my daddy did something wrong.' And you can't let yourself face that thought.

And then later, it must be my fault because it happened before and because no one could do that, could they?

It's really hard to believe someone could just deliberately rape you.

But they can. And it feels like soul murder.

[mooncat]

First, I wouldn't make the assumption that sex is not a big deal. To many people, it is. And for many people, it represents the ultimate expression of love and caring. Sex requires trust, and rape often destroys the ability to trust. It violates the body AND the psyche. No other crime is so intimate.

Second, keep in mind that being raped HURTS. The body is not physically prepared for the sexual act and to add insult to injury, if the crime is reported, the rape survivor has to submit to a physical examination soon after the assault - it's like being invaded all over again.

But surely the worst part is the humiliation of being treated like a thing instead of a person - being overpowered, sometimes threatened with a gun or a knife, having all control taken away from you. Yeah, it is a big deal. It's not "just sex" anymore than a punch in the face is "just being touched."