Bullying - A Rant (long)

[SkullKing]

^^ I did this too, only in my case the guy thought he was a bad ass, but I had come from a tougher place.

I had plenty of fights but I don´t think I actually humiliated anyone as much as that guy, he was almost crying by the time he stopped hitting me.

I am pleased by the turn this conversation took, it is so much more uplifting to hear about people fighting bullies than about people getting bullied.

[Lace Neil Singer]

I think that the way a lot of girls bully is worse than the constant beatings which seem to go with boy bullies. Girls use words; ie calling names, spreading rumours and spitefulness. If there's any physical, it'll be pushing, tripping, scratching and hair pulling. This of course made it much easier for me to fight back and win; with three brothers, I don't fight like a girl with scratches and slaps.

At my school, the headmaster was oldfashioned and wanted all the girls to be "ladylike" so when I started finishing fights, he just didn't get me at all. He didn't know how to deal with girls who fought so I guess he figured the only way was to blame me for being bullied. I don't see why sitting alone and reading a book is provoking; all they had to do was ignore me, and I'd have been fine since I was cool in my own company. If anything, the bullies brought my retaliation on themselves by starting their bitchery in the first place.

My suspension wasn't really like a punishment; it was in fact like having a week's holiday from school, cuz my parents were mad at the school for punishing me and not the other girl. So I got to have a week off school and even a couple of treats. My dad after all always told me that if someone started on me, to hit them back twice as hard.

[Blue Ginger]

Haha Lace Neil Singer you sound a lot like me.

Growing up with all male cousins and a brother, I learnt to fight dirty too. My cousins were always teaching me how to hurt people.

My only problem was having long nails. It meant punching people hurt me more and I would end up with massive nail marks in my palms. Instead I mastered making people bleed. Nothing stopped fights faster than the other person realising they had blood oozing from their arms or face.

I would have been expelled on one occasion if a parent hadn't seen the boy swing a rock at my head. He still had the scars on his arms and neck 3 years later.

As long as I didn't start the fight, my parents backed me 100%. I never swung the first punch. I just made sure that I finished it or was dragged off the person.

My parents used to worry about me when I first started going to pubs and clubs. So did a few friends that didn't know me from school. At 5'4" and about 50kgs, I'm wasn't exactly tough looking. They all stopped worrying about me after I put a guy almost twice my size in hospitable.

[Amanita]

I wish I had put one of the little sociopaths who bullied me in the hospital, or at least sent them screaming to the ground bathed in their own blood. It might have convinced the rest of them that I was not worth fucking with. As it was, I did get physical some times, even if it wasn't as effective as some of the stories here. I kicked one little fucker in the nuts after he got in my face one time too many. I grabbed another kid around the neck after enduring a boatload of abuse. Myself and my winter boots got a bad reputation for bruising shins. Too bad I didn't know how to, or was too afraid to really spill some blood.

I remember lashing out at a grade 6 hall monitor, when I was in third grade. We were given 15 minutes at lunch, to eat and get our gear on to go outside. During the warm months, that wasn't a huge problem. But in winter it was a whole other mess, with having to get into a full snowsuit and other assorted cold weather gear unassisted. That took a little longer. Well, a hall monitor (older student) decided he didn't like that. I wasn't moving fast enough for him. So he got in my face yelling at me to hurry up. I don't remember what all he said, but I do know that I finally lost it, lashing out at his face, in true cat fashion. Never mind that he was taller than me by at least a head. And just like any good kitty, I drew blood, leaving one good scratch on his cheek, that needed first aid at the principal's office.
One of the teachers was pissed, screaming at me about that poor kid's face, and how could I do such a thing? My parents got called.

When my mom found out what had happened, and got my side of the story, she was pissed. But not at me. At the school. First of all, she felt that 15 minutes to both eat, and get fully suited up in winter gear was an unreasonably short length of time. Second, why the hell was the school giving 6th graders that much power, and allowing them to yell at smaller children, to the point of frightening them enough to lash out? Where was the adult supervision of these student monitors, anyhow? In the end, I don't think my mom gave much of a tinker's damn about that kid's face.

Sadly, that in-my-corner attitude didn't last long- later that year, she spanked me for hitting the school bully when he got in my face one time too many. As a result, I spent years too afraid of getting in trouble to fight back effectively.

[Andara Bledin]

My brother is a bully. You'd think that after having to put up with that shit as a kid, he'd know better, but no, he's too much an asshole to really figure it out.

My ex-husband was one of those kids that everybody picked on because he'd get upset, spazz out and look utterly ridiculous. He never grew out of that mentality, so when I ended up in a house with the two of them, it wasn't fun.

My brother would harass my husband to the point where the hubby saw red and lost it, then my brother could act all tough and reasonable when he "defended" himself from the hubby. As if the underweight, uncoordinated 5'8" dude who was 138 lbs soaking wet and smoked too much to have any stamina was a threat to the 6'2" athletic guy who knew martial arts and weight in around 180.

Then we split up. And I started dating my current boyfriend who moved in. Brother thought he'd strut his stuff and dick around till the boyfriend lost it so that he could show everybody who was top dog in the household again.

He really didn't expect to find himself pinned to the wall by his neck, his feet a couple of inches off the ground with the boyfriend asking "are you done?" until he admitted that there was no way he was coming out on top of that card. Turns out that what works on the scrawny guy doesn't work on the guy who's 6 inches taller and has twice the mass.

^-.-^

[Gravekeeper]

I was teased a lot as a kid ( took me a while to grow into my ears ;p ) and had the general banging around you get when you enter the bottom of the food chain. ( My high school was grade 8-12. 8's were Smurfs and prone to a bit of shove around ).

But I never really targetted. Because I somehow projected a field of psychosis apparently. There was one asshole bully in some of my classes that even managed to drive one of my classmates into dropping out entirely. But he wouldn't touch me because he thought I was the kind of kid that would "Sneak up behind him and slit his throat" to quote him directly.

I have no idea how I gave off that impression. I was a goody two shoes in high school. -.-

[Panacea]

Oh, as an aside, much of the bullying I received was because the kids at school thought I was gay just because I wasn't interested in boys yet.

Yeah, I've been through this. My undiagnosed Asperger's made it difficult for me to understand when boys sent the "I'm interested" signal . . . I was often honestly stunned when my friends told me a particular guy was interested. I wasn't too good at sending signals, either. Which led to bullies to label me gay.

My general lack of relationships in recent years had led adult bullies to assume the same thing; fortunately this had been something I've been able to pretty much ignore since the opinions of people who aren't my friends mean nothing to me.

Incidentally, one of my former bullies came up to me a few years back, apologised for what she'd put me thru and asked for my forgiveness. I forgave her cuz I decided to be the bigger person, and cuz I don't intend on ruining my health by constantly being full of hate. Also, it was a very brave thing for her to do; for all she knew I could have just clocked her one.

None of my childhood bullies ever made any effort to do this. I applaud your generosity. I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive my tormentors. The mental scars followed me through most of my adult life and severely impacted my ability to trust others. I didn't put some of the worst issues to bed until a couple of years ago when I finally found the right therapist.

If you can't be liked, then be feared. By the time I left my first school, I had gotten a reputation as a psychotic bitch and my former bullies were afraid of me. That was preferable cuz they left me alone.

I didn't need to go quite that route.

I was bullied from the age of 6 until 14. Much of the abuse was physical. My parents tried to protect me, but they couldn't afford private school, and the school system was totally indifferent, with the exception of a school pyschologist who was able to help me cope through some of the worst abuses.

One day, in the 8th grade, one of my classmates beat me to a pulp for talking back to him. He did this in the classroom, in front of a teacher.

The principal refused to allow the secretary to call my mother, despite repeated pleas. He refused to call an ambulance, in spite of the fact I was semi conscious. I had to be helped onto the bus to go home. The bus driver had to help me into the house (fortunately, the stop was in front of my house).

When my father confronted the principal, he was told there was nothing that could be done. Dad put the principal into the wall and told him the next time I came home with a bruise, the principal would have one to match. I was moved into another class, away from the worst bullies (slowed it down. It didn't stop).

Finally, in high school, I snapped. A girl was teasing me for my bangs (I needed a haircut) and threatening to give me a cut with some kids scissors. I slapped her hand and said, "Leave me alone, bitch!"

She decked me. I flew back in my chair, my head hit the back of the wall.

I sprung to my feet and it was game on. The fight was a draw. She bloodied my nose. I left a dark red ring around her neck where I was throttling her. We were both suspended, and given a choice: go home now, or stick out the day and start the suspension after the parent teacher conference.

I elected to stay. I was terrified of what my parents would say. I did have to call Mom, who listened to my story and said we'd talk about it when I got home. The other girl went home.

The school had a no fault suspension policy for fighting. Dad refused to allow the suspension. "I've been trying for years to get Pan to fight back, and now that she finally has you're not going to suspend her." There was a compromise: I would miss no school and get no absences, but the suspension would go on my academic record.

A month or so later one of the neighborhood bullies picked a fight with me when I refused to leave the area in front of her house (I was on a county sidewalk) where I was watching my brother and his friends play kickball. When I refused to back down, she beat the crap out of me. Make no mistake; she beat the shit out of me.

Then she got scared that I would tell my parents. I refused to allow them to get involved, and told her (and them) I could fight my own battles. She never bothered me again.

That was the last time the bullying got physical. I've been verbally bullied since, but I don't put up with that much either.

It's pretty simple. Stand up for yourself and fight for your rights. Or become a carpet and let everyone walk all over you.

Thing is, you don't have to get a rep as a brawler or even win to get the bullies to back off.

They want easy pickings. People who fight back aren't easy pickings.

That helped me in my junior year when one of my long time tormentors tried to humiliate me during Homecoming. It backfired on him; the whole school rose up in my defense because I had a rep as a nice person.

[Lace Neil Singer]

The fact is that ignoring bullies or walking away simply doesn't work. For example, when I tried that with my bullies, who were the popular clique of the school, all it did was assert their claim as the alpha bitches and cement my status as below them in status. When I fought back, it rocked their little world and showed them that I wasn't an easy target.

The really stupid thing about them picking on me was that while I was big and tall, they were all skinny and much weaker than me, so when I fought back, I pulverised them. They picked on me cuz they thought I'd be an easy target. While you don't have to get a rep as a psycho like I did, fighting back makes you appear to not be an easy target, and therefore they'll leave you alone. Walking away just makes you look as tho you're scared of them.

[Gravekeeper]

Walking away just makes you look as tho you're scared of them.

Depends on the type of bully me thinks. For some its control and walking away likely won't help. But for others, it's power, and they want a response because their enjoyment depends on seeing the effect they have. For them, ignoring them and walking away may cause them to lose interest after a while.

[SkullKing]

This is true.

Not all bullies are the same.

[XCashier]

They say Lady Gaga is interested in the case...want to know what would *really* cause some waves? If she put her money into replacing the people in charge of that school with people who care about bullying...and possibly get the point across that if you ignore it, you could just lose your nice secure job...

Yeah, it's a dream, but it still sounds good

It does sound good, but:
1. Too much legal red tape involved.
2. A lot of folks say they're against bullying, but how many truly walk the walk as well as talking the talk?
3. Even if all of that could happen, it'd be one school down, several million to go.

I hate bullies as much as the next person, but the problem is huge, worldwide. The entire human species needs a serious attitude adjustment.

But that being said...the rest of the article kind of concerned me. What kind of laws would we pass to prevent bullying? What subjects would be considered under bullying? Reason why I ask is as I read the article, LGBT seemed to be the main focus (understandable considering the poor boy), but would a bullying law just focus on that? If so, that seems a little narrow as many of us can relate our own bullying tales (I was in one fight, and a number of other altercations which left me injured in some way). Then again, if we make them broad enough to try and cover everything would it really be effective or would it be too controlling? Just worries me, that's all.

That's just it. It's not just LGBT kids who are dealing with bullies. How many non-LGBT kids have been called various racial and religious slurs, or fatso, four-eyes, ugly and other nasty names? It's too widespread.

There are already laws in place against assault and battery, slander, libel, harrassment, etc. I'm not sure anti-bullying laws wouldn't cover that ground as well.

Tribalism and mob rule is the impetus between sanctioned bullying. All you need is a group that decides it's a-ok to be xenophobic and at least one individual who isn't part of that group. Whether it be for race, religion, hair color, mode of expression; those are all excuses - not reasons.

What I blame is the mob mentality that takes place in schools. Kids find someone who's different and then he or she becomes the outcast that is to be treated differently. It then becomes cool to make fun of that one kid and any who defends him or her will get the same treatment. That's my theory at least (from the psychology courses I took).

That is what happened to me in the seventh grade. I transferred to a school for the gifted program, and I was the sole poor student in a rich school. Therefore, the vast majority thought I was scum because I wore garage sale clothes while they wore expensive designer brands. I was physically abused, threatened, slandered, had my stuff stolen or damaged, you name it.

As this was a public school, religion didn't enter into it. The kids who bullied me may have had problems at home; I do not know. And yes, there were a handful of kids who treated me decently, or at least didn't get involved, but they were still vastly outnumbered by the bullies.

As for the teachers, there were one or two who stood up for me, one who actually blamed me for escalating it by defending myself and most stayed out of it. My own parents wouldn't take me out of there; they wanted me to finish the year there before they let me transfer back to my old school (though Dad did go to the school to talk to the principal about it; if the principal did anything, I don't think it had any effect).

I believe both Andara and Rage are correct; group bullying stems from tribalism and mob mentality. Race, religion, sexuality, nationality, whatever, are just excuses to behave badly.