Women who are afraid to age

[Boozy]

Perhaps I'm in the minority here, but I can quite easily understand the concept of finding someone attractive without finding one aspect of them unattractive.

FashionLad finds grey hair unappealing on women. It doesn't mean he finds all grey-haired women unappealing.

My husband wore a haircut I detested a few years ago. The haircut was not sexy. But he was. He is not his hair. My sexual attraction to him is based on his whole person, not one part of him.

[DesignFox]

Boozy, you make a good point.

But for reasons Pedersen already quoted, FL's OP didn't come across that way.

Anyway. I was just trying to point out that this is why women fear aging. Sure, if we are lucky enough to have partners and keep them from youth forward, our partners will probably still be just as attracted to us.

As we age, if we are still searching...what happens if we are no longer "attractive?"

Right, wrong, indifferent. Everyone has different views, fears or concerns about this. And like it or not, society holds a double standard. It's ok for guys to be old. It is not ok for gals.

[Pedersen]

I hope that by the time I'm going gray I'll either be wise enough not to care, or sitting on the back porch with someone who still finds me desirable and loves me like crazy- despite my wrinkles, bulges, scars or gray hairs.

In the past several years, things have changed for me.

When I was 20, I made the joke that I was going to live forever (so good, so far, eh?), be young forever. Except, on some level, I believed it. What? Don't look at me like that. At 20, almost everybody believes it on some level, even if they don't admit to it. I even wound up keeping that belief into my early 30s. Now, in my late 30s, I don't believe it anymore.

Quite the opposite today. In fact, I now look forward to being old and gray. I found the woman I love. I've been with her now for 7 years (but have been in love with her for around 14 years. Long story). We've been married for 3. And I look forward to growing old with her. When we're both old, and gray, we're going to have lived a long and happy life together because we were together.

Might sound weird, but it's how I feel. I'm going to treasure every gray hair, every wrinkle, because of what they represent.

All of which is my way of saying that I hope you do find the right someone DesignFox. If you do, you'll not need to worry about it in the least.

[DesignFox]

<snip>
All of which is my way of saying that I hope you do find the right someone DesignFox. If you do, you'll not need to worry about it in the least.

Your story is beautiful. It's what I keep hoping for.

And thank you for the kind words.

[Pedersen]

Oh, and to try to bring it back on topic, and finish it up: Yes, I've told her that. And she doesn't seem to be terribly afraid of growing old. Heck, she's pointed out her own gray hairs to me.

I think much of the fear of aging comes from the uncertainty. For me, it's a privilege to remind her that she'll be beautiful to me every day. As a bonus, it helps her.

And the advertising firms who try to make women feel so insecure, and the men who help feed it? Asses, the lot of them.

[guywithashovel]

I can understand where Fashion Lad is coming from. He merely pointed out something that he didn't find particularly attractive. To me, that was just very blunt honesty.

To be fair, several women on this site have stated in other threads that they don't find short guys attractive. I'll admit, that made me have a brief moment of insecurity (I'm 5'7"), but I didn't pitch a fit over it.

To those of you who are taking issue with Fashion Lad's statements: How is what I pointed out above any different? Why is it okay for women to have certain physical characteristics that they find unattractive in men, but if a guy does the same thing he's a pig who doesn't truly appreciate the woman in his life?

[Fashion Lad!]

I'm not your GF. I'm not in your situation.
But if my BF said to me, "I think gray hair is unnattractive on a woman." or if I heard that he would prefer I dye my hair, but he'll deal with it if I let it stay gray, *I* would feel quite crappy. I would feel inadequate because I know that the way I look is not what he prefers. We don't like to feel like our guys settled for us. We like to feel like our guys are proud to have us standing next to them.

Please don't call me dude. I've had to ask other people that as well. Don't.

As far as settling... not the case.

My girlfriend is the most beautiful woman alive. And if I were to judge based on hair color, she would not be who I'd be with. She has red hair, I prefer brunettes. Would I make her dye her hair brunette? Not for the world. I'm in love with her, not her looks. Not her hair.

But to be perfectly honest, when I was 15, I had a crush on Sally Field... that woman was hot. Still is. I find older women sexy, but not gray hair. I understand that gray hair is a part of getting older. I don't prefer it. A woman aging is incredibly sexy to me, I just don't like gray hair.

In fact, I've said this before.

I don't find gray hair sexy on a woman. But did I ever say women with gray hair aren't sexy? No. Some of the most gorgeous women I've seen have gray hair.

No hair, gray hair, red hair, blond hair, brunette... my girlfriend could be any of these and I would not love her any less. I love her more each and every day.

I told her about me not finding gray hair attractive on women. I told her that it was mentioned that I wouldn't find her attractive when she had gray hair. She said, "they obviously don't know you." And she's right. Hair is hair and it can be changed, but just because it can doesn't mean it has to be.

[DesignFox]

FL- honestly, it was just the pairing of your statements. And I think you took my question to be a bit more accusing than it was meant to be. I didn't expect the reactions that came out of it. (I still think it's a valid point- it wasn't meant to be an insult or paint you as a bad person)

If you had clarified soon after, that would have answered my question, and avoided a lot of the misunderstanding.

Anyway, the only person who needs to understand what you meant (your GF), obviously does, so that's awesome.

The only thing I will apologize for is using the word "dude." Now that you've mentioned it, I think you've said something about not liking that before...or maybe it was someone else? Or on CS? My mind's a bit fuzzy but it sounds familiar.

I can honestly say I have no idea where you got the notion that I even remotely thought your GF should dump you. First of all, if I thought that (which believe me I didn't), I'd never say that to someone whose relationship I know nothing about. That's just mean!

To answer Guywithashovel:

Why do you think there are penis enlargement commercials? Why adverts for home gyms? Why does Rogaine exist?

Same shit just in reverse.

I have no issue with someone having a preference. Again, it was the pairing of the statements without clarification. And the question was just meant to raise the point that we CANNOT avoid the fact that we will get old- we will get gray hair- and therefore, many men will write us off as unattractive- which continues the loop of trying to hide the fact that we are old. (again, I never said anyone here was a bad person, just that statements like that do, in fact, help perpetuate the fear. It is what it is.)

It would be like me saying, "I don't think bald men are attractive"... "I hope my BF doesn't go bald, I don't find that sexy in a man!" Some men cannot avoid the fact that they will go bald. There is nothing they can do about it. With only those two statements side by side, I expect someone would question what my plans are for when my partner gets old...and what I'd do if he did, in fact, go bald. Dump him for a newer model? Make him wear a headpiece? Make him try expensive treatments in an effort to fix it? Or love him and desire him just the same?

[Fashion Lad!]

So, you're going to make your GF dye her hair when she gets older? 'Cause it's probably inevitable that she will get gray hairs at some point.

That question hit a nerve with me. The reason for that being is there's a difference in how you ask questions. There is something called accusatory questioning. When you say "so, you're going to make..." which is "you are going to make..." is different than, "would you make". "you are" vs "would you". That's what hit a nerve with me.

And I didn't mean to infer that people would actually want my girlfriend to break up with me. But this is how I saw it if someone tells you there boyfriend no longer found them attractive, (which to me, one of the worst things a boyfriend or husband could do is not make his wife/girlfriend feel special, gorgeous and truly amazing) it's obvious upset them and you'd tell them to dump the boy. That's what I was getting.

[purplecat41877]

There are some people out there that look younger than they are without those age defying items. I happen to be one of them and I do have a few gray hair which can be seen by either looking closely or moving my hair a bit.

I happen to be 32. I look like I'm in my late teens or early twenties.

[protege]

I happen to be 32. I look like I'm in my late teens or early twenties.

You too? I'm 33, yet I still get people who think that I'm younger. Never mind the greying hair And yes, I've been told that I should color it. My reaction? Fuck that. Sorry, but I'm not about to waste cash on a product, simply because some idiots have a problem with my appearance.

[DesignFox]

That question hit a nerve with me. <snip>.

Well, I get it.

I don't always censor my words before I post. And, obviously, you can't infer my actual tone just by looking at words on a screen.

Quite frankly, I find myself on the end of accusatory questions quite frequently. I just answer them and try to give the person the benefit of the doubt. But, I think it's amazing you obviously think so highly of your GF, that it would upset you for anyone to even maybe think otherwise.

This topic sorta hits a nerve with me. Especially having had a past relationship where the person started to make me feel anything but amazing and gorgeous and wonderful. (I think every person has gone through that at some point, with someone though).

Fortunately, I'm sorta like purplecat and protege. People tend to think I'm younger. I get it a lot from customers, and I get it a lot at horseshows. At horseshows people are frequently thinking I'm in the junior division when I go to sign in or pick up score sheets.

I think at work, it's just because I'm not married, I have no kids, I don't even have my own place, yet. My only photos are of me with my horse and one photo of me with one of the barn kids.

*shrug*

For the most part, I'm a pretty confident person. But every once in awhile I get that OMG I'm getting old! Feeling.

[protege]

This topic sorta hits a nerve with me. Especially having had a past relationship where the person started to make me feel anything but amazing and gorgeous and wonderful. (I think every person has gone through that at some point, with someone though).

I've actually been *dumped* because of the way I look. Not so much the grey hair, but because I don't fit into the "ideal man" image that many women (at least locally) seem to have. Never mind that the woman I was with...wasn't exactly a supermodel either To me, that wasn't why I was with her--I simply prefer intelligence over looks.

Fortunately, I'm sorta like purplecat and protege. People tend to think I'm younger. I get it a lot from customers, and I get it a lot at horseshows. At horseshows people are frequently thinking I'm in the junior division when I go to sign in or pick up score sheets.

I've looked pretty much the same since I was about 15 or so. Well, other than the occasional scraggly beard and the grey hair Most of my photos are of my model projects, cars, the kitties, etc. Speaking of the cars, some people think it's a bit odd to see the MG park up, and then a "kid" get out. They literally do a double-take on that one--to them, old cars--especially MGs--are an "old man's hobby."

I think at work, it's just because I'm not married, I have no kids, I don't even have my own place, yet. My only photos are of me with my horse and one photo of me with one of the barn kids.

That could be it. Quite a few people seem to think that you have to be married by 25, and in your own home before you're 30. Oddly enough, I didn't even *move out* until after I'd hit 30. Yes, I lived with my parents, but I did pay rent. During that time, I was able to save up some cash...enough to pay off the school loans, buy a car...and eventually, a down payment on a house.

For the most part, I'm a pretty confident person. But every once in awhile I get that OMG I'm getting old! Feeling.

Eh, I'm not too worried about it. It's inevitable that I'll eventually "wear out." Since there's no way to "rewind the clock," I'm not about to have a heart attack over it. My attitude is "bring it on," in other words.

Unlike my father, who had settled down at my age. By the time he was 40, he had 3 kids, two Volvos, and a mortgage. Typical yuppies But, since my parents are now in their 60s, they've slowed down a bit. Granted, they've worked hard and deserve some relaxing...but I'm not sure I could ever do that. I'm not "high-energy" by any means, but I hate sitting on my ass. Better to be busy and/or have something to do. Oh, and I'm not trading in the sports car for a "land yacht" either. Screw that. You're only as old as you feel

[DesignFox]

<snip>That could be it. Quite a few people seem to think that you have to be married by 25, and in your own home before you're 30. Oddly enough, I didn't even *move out* until after I'd hit 30. Yes, I lived with my parents, but I did pay rent. During that time, I was able to save up some cash...enough to pay off the school loans, buy a car...and eventually, a down payment on a house.
<snip>

Guess it's good to know I'm not the only one. I don't pay rent to my parents, but the money I used to pay my ex in rent is going into a saving's account while I'm living home. I'm saving up for when I find the right person and can move out again.

I hope to be out by the time I'm 30! If I still don't have a lifemate by then, like it or not, I'll be searching for a roommate.

It seems crazy, but I worry about that kinda thing. I'm almost 28, and I'm getting antsy. I'm basically happy with everything in life, but I just sorta expected to be settled a bit more. It doesn't help that I just signed up on facebook...seeing my HS and college friends with pictures of their husbands and kids...houses and apartments. I feel like I'm the only one sorta stagnating I guess. I mean, I'm not really. I have my job, I pay my bills, I have my savings, I do well with my horseback riding...I have a wonderful boyfriend... I dunno really what I'm so impatient about or afraid of. I mean,

I guess I'm afraid that if things don't work out again it will be another X number of years wasted. I'll be X number of years older. And it will be that much harder to find someone and start over again...*shrug*

Sorry for the thread derailment...

[Fashion Lad!]

For the most part, I'm a pretty confident person. But every once in awhile I get that OMG I'm getting old! Feeling.

When I was 18/19, I started to get gray hair. Curse of having black hair is that you tend to go grayer quicker. Looking older at that time definitely had its advantages.

I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad because they're getting some gray hair. I find older women more attractive than younger women. There are A LOT of guys like me.