Look at me, I'm special

[Seshat]

My son has Autism, after they diagnosed him they checked myself and his father-extensive interviews with both us and our parents(some of the symptoms HAVE to be present before age 3)-they diagnosed me-my husband divorced me(because my genetics were "faulty" and I "damaged" our son) and the courts gave him custody, because "I wasn't fit to raise a child"

And someone who behaves like your husband did IS fit to raise a child? Aaah!

If I get frustrated I'll go into a blind rage that I have no memory of-the person I am is gone-replaced by(in my husband's words)-"a destructive banshee, hell-bent on terrorizing the planet"

. . . ooooookay. Now I definitely need to speak to a psych. I'm not quite that bad anymore, but I used to be. If the psychs can actually help, then it's worth taking the time to get the diagnosis (and the help!)

Where does personality end and "disorder" begin?

When the person feels trapped inside their own skull. When the person's 'self' is stuck helplessly watching their own behaviour. When the person knows that what they're thinking is wrong and dangerous, but can't manage to stop themselves. When the person knows that what they're doing is not what they want to be doing, but they can't stop it. Or when the person isn't even 'there' while their body/mind is doing something or living something.

When treating the disorder makes the person happier and more functional. When just a minor bit of treatment makes the person's father say 'We've got our daughter back'. When learning a mental skill enables the person to gain control of their own actions and words.

And yes, I have personally experienced all of those. Some of them I have mostly eliminated. Some I simply endure and wait for the illness to pass. Some I put myself in a safe place and get someone to stay with me while it passes, because I can't trust myself.

I'm with BlaqueKatt. If my disorders are me, then I'm - well, actually, I can't think of a way to describe it. My self, my me, is not the thing that's acting and has control of the body and thoughts during the worst of it.

[XCashier]

I only do it because I literally went my whole life without realizing that not everybody in the world behaves the way I do. Once I got my diagnosis and had the revelation that "Hey, not everyone hates speaking with people to the degree of avoiding them, not everyone can't filter out background noise, I'm actually NOT just a spaz for having the attention span of a flaming gnat who cries because she literally CAN NOT make her focus stay on any one thing for more then five minutes, and it turns out that all this time, people have been asking me questions that, for whatever reason, they actually DIDN'T want me to answer. Which explains the pissivity when I did."
...In short, it's just like...people always expect me to know the rules, and until I was 23, I didn't even know there was a game going on, you know?

Holy moly, you sound like me!

I always felt like there was a big game where everyone but me knew the rules, could change the rules at a whim and got P.O.ed at me when I "broke" said rules. I still find myself doing that; I'd be at a social gathering, get into the swing of things, then do something like laugh too loud or get too involved with a topic of conversation, and all of a sudden I'm the pariah.

It would be nice if people would understand that no, I'm not being a bitch, nor am I stupid, I'm just a little different.

[Lace Neil Singer]

That is precisely why I stick with the same group of friends; they know me, and know how to gently push me away from certain topics of conversation. If said conversation swings towards one of my obsessions, I do have a tendency to deliver a monologue and monopolise the entire conversation and not let anyone else speak. My friends understand this and will gently intervene; however, someone I don't know well might just say, "Just shut the fuck up and let someone else speak!"; thus provoking the "bitch from hell" that I become when I lose my temper. O_o

I know that being that way is not normal, but I've spent a long time feeling like I'm up on stage and tho I'm sure I've learned the right part, I'm actually speaking the wrong part for the play. Like reading for Othello in Macbeth. That's the best way to describe that feeling. Now tho, I can put on an NT act for work, but it's hard. I do it cuz I want to keep my job; I like the fact that I'm encouraged to talk about stuff to people, and I can always find at least one subject to talk about that's "safe".

[protege]

I always felt like there was a big game where everyone but me knew the rules, could change the rules at a whim and got P.O.ed at me when I "broke" said rules.

That's why I've always kept to myself. I grew tired of everyone giving me a hard time growing up...and, according to my mother, withdrew from things for a bit. Growing up like that was a bit lonely...and even now I still don't get very close with people. Most people think I'm a cold bastard that way. Sorry, but I'm just protecting my own interests.