depression

[LexiaFira]

specifically my own. when it spikes for no reason, nothing caused it. it could be a great day, normal day even bad day and I'm still doing fine and then as i sit down and start listening to an actual happy-ish calming song bam. I'm crying for no reason and everything is spiraling down.

I'm on medicine to keep this from happening, so why do I still have the randomness of sudden boughts like this? Its very trying and it takes its toll. Nothing gets done and no one gets what they need, I have to force myself to raise my own daughter, FORCE myself to care for my own kid that I devote time to on a daily basis with ease.

WTF. I also loathe that it hits so hard within minutes my face is drenched from crying and that I admit this...

[Rageaholic]

Damn, that sucks.

I don't think I've had it quite that bad, but I've experienced this unexplained sense of "Fuck Everything" quite a bit. Even when everything is going good, there's time I just can't get excited about something that otherwise would make me really happy. It really sucks.

[Andara Bledin]

I get the sudden onset crying jags semi-regularly. Had one just Sunday, actually.

I'll be sitting there, in a relatively mellow mood, and next thing I know, I'm crying my eyes out, tears running down my cheeks, sobbing away, soaking tissue after tissue. And then, just as suddenly, it stops, and I'm left wondering what the heck all that was about.

^-.-^

[LexiaFira]

Exactly! Andara.
And its not even close to that time of the month either so ....yeah. No offense to anyone here but I got accused of it the rest of the day and I finally snapped and said if that were the case go look in the trash can, or do you want me to shove my hand down there and rip out proof? (was way more desciptively graphic yet changed it here as i'd rather not gross people out.)
Sorry but that is rude to me to pass my sudden crying issue of depression as oh its just hormones because its that time again when its not.

[Kimmik]

Lex, I can totally understand. I suffer from depression and I get so pissed when someone passes it off as oh hormones... fuckers. I also understand the forcing yourself to care for your child... I face that a lot and it sucks ass. I have the luck that I now have a caregiver, which while can be a blessing it also is hard on me as i hate needing help and feel worthless that not only do I need someone to help care for me.. but help caring for my child...

It is also hard this time of year because of the loss but I remind myself after a crying jag or a day when getting out of bed is like raising the dead.. that while yes my depression blows everyday that I continue and everyday that I fight the urge to give up is a good day. I dont know if that makes sense.. *it is late and I woke from a nightmare*

Just know that you are not alone and that your feelings are not anything to be ashamed of, and while you may have to force yourself to do stuff.. because you can you win against the depression.. *hugs*

[LexiaFira]

what bothers me most is that someone said today. Oh well women are emotional creatures anyway so this is like normal for you isn't it? I said no, normally I keep myself in check, its insensitive uncaring people like you that hurt other people's feelings by running their mouth. And for that matter, if women are emotional creatures then men are unfeeling cold shells who never cry. I said that as a jab at his upbringing since it was a personal matter.
This is someone who said what they said as an insult knowing full well he was raised to not cry. That being a teaching I do not wish to teach my son if I have one in the near future. But to all my kids current and future I want them to learn its ok to feel how you feel, its ok to cry, however sometimes its ok to hold it in until you get to a safe place to cry too.

Thank you for the support it is welcome. Right now fighting off disappointment as this weekend I was looking forward to alot, and as christmas creeps closer it is becoming more and more just another day to me. I don't like that outlook however I split it this way:
As a mother, holidays are something to celebrate but also just another day
as me, holidays are awesome but just another day to get through as its still one day at a time.
as a family outlook, christmas will not be something to celebrate as sis in law was once again barred from coming to visit and other sis in law has to go to the other parents house first heaven forbid (nothing against her partner's parents but its always been them first because HE SAID SO *rolls eyes*)
And the MIL just pushed me to my limit this year. Not going to anyone's place but mine and enjoying christmas morning with my daughter and hubs...however in this case its going to be just another day in which most places here will be closed. and in most places 90% of the town if not 99% Walmart MAY be open haha

so yeah. that is whats dragging me down
also the realization today that I hate myself because I am still part of my father, a person i loathe so much. And that I am the way I am or see myself because no matter what I do to avoid being like him, those instincts are still there. And i hate myself for being anything like him...he took so much from me and yet gave me back worse things....his vanity, how to lie to others and appear important....how appearance is so damn important that I must bend over backwards in debt to look nice and have expensive yet useless items in my house.
Well to that extent to avoid being like him that I did the opposite of those to the point its in excese. IE don't groom beyond hygene, no makeup and very little hair product, my clothes are baggy and i have what i need in the house, art is not important unless i made it....yeah...sorry for the length.

these were breakthroughs made in counseling lately...i may like parts of myself, but the whole package is going to take a while

[Mytical]

*hugs* Lexia. I can be a flake sometimes, and anti-social, but you know you will ALWAYS have somebody to talk to. Depression sucks, as does gender bias toward it. ((I swear if I hear 'Suck it up and be a man one more time..")). Also, there is somebody somewhere at all times..that think you are Awesome

[LexiaFira]

I know its tough for guys who have depression. Supposedly men or boys or the male species in general are supposed to be these strong people who don't cry or break down but suck it up and walk it off. Riiiight.
It makes you stronger to be able to let yourself break down, even though it sucks to do so and is excruciating sometimes, it still makes you a strong person to be able to do so to bare yourself like that and get up and keep going or at least try to keep going.


thank you for the support and its just as tough for guys as it is women and people who don't understand need to learn or just shut it

[ExRetailDrone]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, Lexia

I, too, can empathize with your struggle. I have suffered from depression for a very long time, probably from longer ago than when I was first officially diagnosed. It's a very tough disease to deal with, especially with all the stigma still surrounding it.

Mine has been aggravated lately, perhaps because of it being winter in a very northern area of the US. I never do well during the winter. The other day when I was opening at one of my jobs, I was listening to the radio and a song came on that just made me tear up. I had to fight to keep myself from crying. Luckily the store wasn't actually open yet and I had a few minutes to compose myself before I had to unlock the doors.

Most of the time, though, I'm just empty. It's like I can't feel anything, which is even more frustrating to me than randomly bursting into tears. But when my emotions do break through, they flood. And it's usually a tiny thing that'll break the dam apart and send me into a half-hour crying jag where I practically hyperventilate.

I wish more people could understand that this isn't the 'depression' that everyone feels at points in their life - this is something that is invasive and has the potential of taking over one's mind and body without warning. Yes, everyone gets the blues, not everyone gets full-blown depression.

[LexiaFira]

I finally figured out over years that I wasn't born this way or I was as the hormonal changes are either born in or occur with puberty. It really sucks.
Mine is a chemical and possible hormonal imbalance.

Its tricky to explain as some of you may have been explained this or may not have. With the chemical one it has to do with receptors in the brain not taking in enough or too much of a certain chemical as the receptors don't work or for what ever reason. So because the brain is seeing there is too much or too little it makes more, or stops production and that causes the issue. The anti depressants or other medicines help open the receptors or the production of said chemicals (i can't recall the proper name don't ask me to please) which eases it some. However some have unacceptable side affects to me. Nausea is my deal breaker, drowsiness i can handle as I don't drive anymore. Anything worse and its not happening. Yes thats picky but I do need my focus and can't keep running to the bathroom or worse at random.

The hormonal is for me easily fixed as its my thyroid or estrogen or whatever else. That I am currently in the process of figuring out with my dr. At least its narrowed down to those two. (i just remember her saying thyroid and one or two other possibles)

STILL the attacks at random drive me nuts. And for those who don't understand or have that much better control of them selves thats great, but don't blab to me about what you have no clue about. I seriously want people to walk in my shoes for a week to get a clue. Because sometimes its like the curtain comes down for a week and there is this mental fog i have to wade through, I can see and function, but its still tough to get going like i'm swimming in thick waters so everything is slowed down.