Me, Myself, and I

[IDrinkaRum]

I know my daughter, Child Rum, has issues with perseverating (obssessing). I love her I really do, but... when she perseverates,and blocks everything else out. I can't deal with it. Handle it. Whatever.

Right now, it's Winter Break from school. We're just hanging out at home. And it's bad. I don't know if it's because we're bored or we're both not feeling well, but the perseverating is happening at least 2-3 times an HOUR.

This morning, I was calculating what time I'd have to get up to sneak out ofthe house and get to either the amtrak station or the bus station, or call a cab & then get a hotel room and then get to the enterprise rent-a-car place to get a car for a week or two and just drive ... somewhere.

I don't even have a destination in mind. I just want to get up in the middle of the night when Mr. Rum & Child Rum are sleeping and just leave. Not forever. But for a little while. And that makes me hate myself. Really hate myself.

My sister just had her second baby and so my mother is watching my niece (sister's oldest - a 3 yr. old) right now so I can't get her to help me.

And my MIL lives 2 hours away, and she doesn't understand anything about Child Rum anyways.

And when I've told them both that I need help, they don't understand. Between the 2 of them, they have 5 kids, but none of their kids have autism. So they don't know what it's like when she perseverates and blocks everything out. They don't understand when she just starts running around the house/spinning in circles.

And when husband comes home, and she perseverates, he expects me to deal with her. Won't even talk to her, just says "Do something, will you?"

And what's worse, when she's perseverating (and shouting about what she wants), I'm shouting back, trying to get her attention, and it's not working and then I get mad and throw stuff (never at her, at the wall, at the couch cushions, at the toilet in the bathroom). And then when it's all over, she comes to me and apologizes! And that makes me feel lower than low.

So right now ... I'm hating myself ... a lot ....

[blas87]

*hugs*

There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. I don't think a single one of us would fault you for being frustrated or wishing you could just disappear for a while.

We all care about you, and we're here for you. Vent away. All you want.

And shame on your husband. Forgive the rude remark on my part, but that's pretty low. You guys are supposed to be a team. It's no easy task to raise a child period, and it's never easy to feel like you have to do it alone at times.

[IDrinkaRum]

Thanks Blas.

I don't know why, but with the Mr. it's been this "deal with her, will you?" stuff all this month. However, in the months passed, he's been good about spending time with her, so I'm confused.

I try not to burden my mom too much. When I drop daughter over at her house, she's so different, I don't understand it. And then when I show up to collect her, she turns into a wild child who screams and disobeys at the drop of a hat.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Yes, okay, I know it's the yelling, but I'm not yelling just to yell. I've tried the "talk softly and she'll lean closer to hear you" approach, I've tried the "I'm ignoring you until you can talk like a human being to me" approach (which doesn't work well with any 7-year-old, let alone an autistic one).

Maybe I need new approaches, but where to find them?

And Prince William County (the county I live in), doesn't have many sources for parents with special needs children. (Heck, I have to drive about 20-40 minutes away for her speech & occupational therapy). So I don't know where in the county I could go for help.

Vicious cycle.

When she goes back to school, I should really do some research, just don't know where to start.

[Elspeth]

all i have are hugs and a virtual ear for you. So many many hugs and vent away.

I think you are doing the very best you can with childrum. I have read your stories and she sounds wonderful. You sound like a great Mommy. It can't be easy to raise a kid especially one with special needs. It very well could be boredom that is setting this off.

And I have thought of doing the exact same thing, getting in the car and just going somewhere where people can't find me. For like a month.

And can I offer you my stick to hit Mr. Rum with. Blas is right. Marriage is a team. You can't be the bad guy all the time.

And for where to start looking, are there groups that might be able to point you in the right direction. Maybe the speech & occupational therapy people?

[anakhouri]

Oh, you're not doing anything wrong. Khan is an angel around other people, but as soon as Mommy comes home, he throws tantrums, whines, fusses, disobeys.

They do it because they know you love them more than anything in the universe, and you will never stop loving them, so they fell like they can do anything around you because you won't stop loving them. Look at it as Child Rum being secure in your love (rough, I know, but...it helps a little).

Would your husband answer if you ask what's wrong? Is work more stressful than usual or something? Family problems? Something else that makes him want to drop all responsibility when he's home?

[IDrinkaRum]

His office is being moved to Maryland come the end of January, 2011. I think with the move, there is added stress. However, he's been given a 6 month retention bonus so he'll be staying with his agency at least for the first 6 months of 2011.

I really don't want to move to Maryland. My MIL acccuses me of not wanting to leave the area because of my family. It's partly that (though my family does let me down), but it's more like, <town where we live> is 2 hours from PIL, 45-60 minutes from BIL#1, and 45 minutes from BIL#2, and yet we live "too far" for any of them to visit us, but they get pissed when we tell them it's too far for us to visit them. If my MIL brings up the move next month when we visit for Christmas, I'll explain that no, it's not because I want to leave my Mom, it's because the next time we'd see Mr. Rum's family is at either MIL or FIL's funeral. (And I'd like her to put that in her pipe and smoke it!)

I could talk to the Speech/Occupational Therapists about how to get some help with Child, however, they're more familiar with the Stafford/Fredericksburg area which is where they are located. In Fredericksburg, I could qualify for a part-time aide paid for partially by the county. Prince William County (the county I'm in doesn't do that as far as I know).

I'm going to have to talk to one of my friends (who is the mother of a classmate of Child's). She might have some ideas.

We just need a support group within the county for parents of autistic children, and from that organization, we can get information about everything we need to keep our sanity.

[Lyra]

They do it because they know you love them more than anything in the universe, and you will never stop loving them, so they fell like they can do anything around you because you won't stop loving them. Look at it as Child Rum being secure in your love (rough, I know, but...it helps a little).

This times a thousand.

My ten (almost 11) year old is in a Special Education class (they call it EGC here--don't remember what it means, but it's more for behavior than academics) and according to them, he's doing GREAT! Yes, he has issues, but they're really happy with his progress, etc., etc.

Then he comes home, and he's rude, mouthy and will do something you just told him NOT to do, while looking at you with this blankish "whatcha gonna do about it" stare. Infuriating!

I figure he's just spent six hours on his best behavior, and now he's home and relaxed and all the behaviors pop out.

It's not that she likes anyone else more than you, it's that she feels safe enough around you to just be who she is without thinking about it.

I've always told any TA he had that when he's being nice to you, he doesn't trust you. You'll know you've made it as someone he trusts when he starts treating you like crap. LOL

Every parent, even us good ones, thinks about taking a drive that does not end, at least once in awhile. It doesn't make you a bad parent, just human...and tired.

Actually, there is a forum group on CafeMom dealing with Autism/PDD-NOS that is very awesome and supportive. They have a lot of different kinds of moms, with different kinds of kids and stuff. Since it sounds as if you don't have a ton of resources in your area, you might check it out sometime, if you haven't already.

FWIW, I've been lurking around here for quite a while, and you seem like you're doing the best you can for your child, and she sounds like a great kid. Hang in there!

[IDrinkaRum]

Thank you Lyra (and everyone else too!) I feel the love from everyone who has posted.

Inever thought to check out CafeMom. I might do that after my doctor's appointment later this morning.

When I posted the OT, I was weepy, and sad, and frustrated, but we actually had a good day yesterday. And then last night, not so good, but it was okay. Child went to sleep early, tried to sneak into our room, we sent her back, she decided to turn on light, play, and I had to get up with her, and it took from 10 PM until 1:55 AM (when I crawled back into bed) to put her back down. *le sigh* But I'm up this morning and within the hour I can have a cup off hot caffeine! W00t! (I take a thyroid med & I can't eat an hour after taking it).

The original Developmental Pediatrician was leaning towards PDD-NOS when he first saw her, but then diagnosed her with Autism when he read through the teacher evals, and observed her again, and talked to us some more.

And I think ya'll are right about one thing: Child is so comfortable with me & the Mr. that she'll just show her true colors. (Not that she doesn't love my parents, she does, but they have a more strict rule set than we do and she knows that if she wants something, she has to play by their rules, not her own. See? She is smart!)

[IDrinkaRum]

I don't know if anyone here saw my "Dear ..." letter at CS that I typed up last night, but in a nut shell:

Child's behavior was really bad last night. She was at the table, watching a video, it upset her, so she shoved the chair she was in up against the wall. Mr. Rum had just got home, he changed out of his work clothes, popped his dinner in the microwave, and I decided to sit her at another chair at the table and have her do her homework. She didn't want to do her homework, she shoved that chair back against my (glass door) curio cabinet and when we moved the chair, she shoved it against the buffet table (she was sitting in the chair whilst doing this). I finally had her stand up and took the chair away from her. (Yes, bad & over-reaction).

She wouldn't calm down. I was yelling. She was yelling. Mr. Rum was yelling.

I finally had enough, grabbed stuff I was going to take to my Mom & Dad's house today, and went out the door and went to their house. I cried a little on the drive there, but I was composed until my Dad opened the door & I burst into tears again.

After being fed angel food cake and hot chocolate, and staying there for almost an hour and a half. I came home.

Mr. Rum did not call my parents to give them a heads' up I was coming over. In the 90 minutes I was there, I had to call him to let him know that I was there with my Mom & Dad and I hadn't driven to say, Idaho, or Montana, or some place far, far away.

What scared me is that it was so easy leaving. I could have gone to our bank's ATM, pulled out half our savings and then just left. I didn't have to go to my Mom & Dad's house.

I hope I don't have to leave again.

However, when I came home, Child was all over me. Hugging and kissing and saying how she missed me and she didn't want me to leave ever again. *le sigh*

[blas87]

Hey, Rum, we all care about you and we are here to listen.

You did what you had to do. The fact that you just went to your parents' house proves that you know running away isn't the best option. So you're doing fine. Everyone needs a break. Everyone.

[Boozy]

I finally had her stand up and took the chair away from her. (Yes, bad & over-reaction).

You are a better judge of the situation than me, but I wouldn't immediately say taking the chair away was an overreaction.

She was using it to act out and possibly cause damage or injury. It makes sense to me to take that object away from her.

Making a child stand for a few minutes isn't exactly cruel and unusual punishment.

[RootedPhoenix]

Rummy. *hugs you lots*

[Lace Neil Singer]

Aw, now I'm feeling bad cuz you're describing what my parents went thru with me...

I could be like that; I could go to a party as a child and be perfectly behaved, then go home and be a brat and a half.

Especially as a teenager; I once pulled the handle off my door cuz I slammed it so hard. Not off the door, but the handle broke in half. O.o

I can only offer good thoughts, and cyber hugs; hope everything works out.

[IDrinkaRum]

@Lace: I'm sorry for making you feel bad! I'm not sure if Child Rum realizes what she's doing is hurting me & Mr. Rum. She's really a "live-in-the-moment"-type of child.

@RP: Thank you for the hugs

@Boozy: Thank you for saying taking away the chair for a couple of minutes isn't a bad thing. She could have broken the glass door to my curio cabinet shattering everything in the cabinet & getting herself covered with glass shards. The buffet would be damaged & she had the potential of banging the back of her head on the side of the buffet. Mr. Rum thought I was a little over the top when I took away the chair (he's shouting: "Don't take away her chair! What are you doing? That's bad!" right. in. front. of. her.).

@Blas: Thanks. I keep forgetting I have a life line on here & CS. I don't have much of one off-line as I would like, and I keep trying to find resources, but they are in other counties, not the one I'm in.

[Lace Neil Singer]

She might not realise it now; I didn't back when I was a child. It was only after I became an adult that I did realise. Even as a teenager I still used to meltdown; the handle was only one of the times. I went thru about two doors from slamming. O_o

In any case, all you can do is love and support ChildRum; at least you know why she is how she is. ^^ That makes all the difference.