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  • StarCraft 2

    and how it has stolen my husband from me. The two of us have a wonderful relationship and he spoils the hell out of me most of the time. I just can't seem to tear him away from this game.

    It's Sunday, he has off from work, so he sits down with his laptop to play. A few hours goes by, I've been playing with flash games on my laptop, now I'm thinking of watching a movie or playing a video game with him. I tell him this and he says that he's in the middle of a match. Ok, no problem, let me know when you're done. Another hour goes by. I've found other things to occupy myself with so it's no big deal. He's still playing.

    I know it's his escape from the stresses of working 50-70 hours a week at GameStore and I know that he plays to relax. But he zones out when he does. I've talked with him numerous times about how it makes me feel and he will do good for a week or so then right back at it. I don't want to take away one of the things that helps him decompress from work, but I would like some attention too. Any ideas on how I can get it through to him that I would like a little more of his attention and I want him to put down the game for a couple of hours when we're both home together? I've outright told him to stop playing and pay attention to me. I've told him in great detail what I want him to do to me (both nice and naughty). I've been non-confrontational with him about it. And we've had outright blowouts over it.

    He played the game for 12 hours with breaks only for the bathroom and food today. I have gone over to him and kissed his cheek and told him that I would like to give him a hug but the laptop is in the way. I have started to rub his calfs because I know they are sore from standing most of the day every day and making mention of how tense he was and I could help him out with it. But I hardly get any kind of acknowledgement.

    This type of thing occurs a couple of times a week, usually when he's had a particularly tough day at work. I don't want the entire day with him to myself, just an hour or two. I've got plenty of things to keep my occupied while he plays. I just want a little attention. I would like for him at least to listen when I talk to him when he's playing. I get a head nod then when I ask him about what I said later, he doesn't know what I was talking about at all. We have no other communication problems, or any other problems really. I just don't like feeling as if I should implant a keyboard and mouse in my body just so that I can get some kind of attention from him on certain days.

    As I said, we have a great relationship. We both care for each other deeply and show it in many ways. Last night he went for a snack run and left a wonderful just because card on my dresser for me to see when I was getting ready for bed. I usually don't have trouble with him paying attention to me (by listening to me or physical attention). The trouble is when he sits down to play for hours on end. It's very frustrating and I've told him as much. I'd be happy with the occasional hug in between matches to be honest. I know this was long, but I really needed to vent.

  • #2
    I love shelling Zerg as much as the next guy but holy shit. I always made sure to stop to have Us Time. I mean, you've already talked to him so you did what I was already going to say. But if he knows there won't be any consequences, what's really to stop him from playing for the entire day and ignoring you?
    Violence has resolved more conflicts than anything else. The contrary opinion that violence doesn't solve anything is merely wishful thinking at its worst. - Starship Troopers

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    • #3
      I can zone out the entire world while playing, watching Tv, etc. Pretty much had to thanks to a Bi-polar father..but dang. I always got on my cousin for doing the same thing to his wife (and sometimes she can irk the HECK outta me). No advice sadly . The advice I WOULD give would only work on somebody like me. That would be come into the room wearing a nightie. Personally, that would make me take notice immediately.

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      • #4
        Fiance can be the same way with WoW sometimes. Oh and I *hate* the "just one more heroic" or "just one more arena" or "just one more PvP". Then an hour later.... Urgggg. I mean, I like to play, too, but I like to do other things as well. Part of it is that he usually plays with his brother, and he really misses his brother. I feel guilty about taking away their time together (but that's part of the larger guilt of "I made him move far far away" which isn't warranted but whatever).

        Happily, now school is starting, so I'll be busy as well.

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        • #5
          The thing I never get about this is I know lots of guys who do things that don't involve their wives...some guys watch sports all day. Some guys spend all day in the garage working on their old car. Some guys are always having cookouts and doing shit with their friends.

          These guys ignore their wives just as much as us gamers do, and yet no one ever seems to have a problem with them. It's just us gamers!

          So a couple of suggestions, from a Gamer addict....

          1) Why don't you learn how to play some of the games he likes? Perhaps you guys could team up, or play against each other to fight tension. Ya know, like "Oh he makes me so mad when he doesn't pick up his socks, I'm gonna Zerg rush him into the ground!"

          2) Sometimes being interrupted resets the whole thing. My ex-wife would bug me every 15 minutes about when I'll be done playing, but what she didn't get was I needed a set amount of time to myself. Usually just like 2 hours, but every time she bugged me, it reset the clock. Sometimes the message is "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE."

          3) Also, appreciate the fact that he's working 60 hours a week. I know it sucks sometimes cuz you miss him, but I used to have a similar problem. I worked my ass off to provide for my family, only to have them completely drain my soul when I got home, and all I wanted was to be left alone and have some time to myself so I could play Wow. Iknow it sounds selfish, but it's the truth nonetheless. It's just how it is. Ultimately what happened with me is I grew to resent and hate my job so much for taking up all my time that I started being a dick and I got fired.

          4) Keep in mind that sometimes things are just the way they are. Sometimes you have to ask yourself "Ok, I am with a Gamer. Do I want to be with a gamer, or do I want to not be with a gamer?" Stop thinking about changing him so much and just wonder if it's a compatibility issue.

          5) Be glad he's working hard, and just playing games. He's not out drinking, shooting heroin, or picking up chicks. He doesn't hit you or molest the kids. It's seriously not that big of a deal. And if it is...see #4.

          6) Just talk with him, and try to set aside certain times. If you come up to him when he's halfway through the biggest match of his life, fuck off. He's busy. Talk to him when it's a GOOD TIME, and be like "Hey, can we do something later?"

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          • #6
            Rule #1. Communicate.

            Seriously. Set some time aside and have a frank discussion.

            ^-.-^
            Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others. - Dresden

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            • #7
              I'm just going to reply with my own numbered system to Doc's post. Much faster than cutting it up.

              1. Doing stuff together is good. But if she's genuinely not interested in it, it won't happen. (and Zerg rushing is lame)

              2. It doesn't sound like that's the problem. It sounds like she is waiting awhile before trying to get him off. (oh the puns)

              3. I'm sure she appreciates it, but I'm not sure how #3 brings the situation any closer to being resolved.

              4. Very valid point.

              5. Just because it's not a self-destructive behavior doesn't mean it isn't ruining the relationship. "It could be worse" doesn't help.

              6. It sounds like he won't make time for this. I mean, wtf are you supposed to do when someone refuses to stop gaming for an entire day?
              Violence has resolved more conflicts than anything else. The contrary opinion that violence doesn't solve anything is merely wishful thinking at its worst. - Starship Troopers

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              • #8
                It's not just gamers, it's that people think they can stereotype gamers because it's never been considered as "cool" to enjoy games as much as, say, football or beerfests.

                My bf and my friend's husband have more man dates at the bar lately than anything else. It's getting annoying. Just one more drink oh just one more game of pool. Christ, you're supposed to be men, not frat boys.

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                • #9
                  Mr. Boozy goes through periods when he's sort of like that. Once in a while he'll get a new video game and spend all his free time over the next few weeks playing it.

                  Thankfully, it never lasts long, so I usually just see it as a break from one another. I'll spend the time watching artsy-fartsy movies and HBO series that he has no interest in. Or I can hit the gym for several hours after work, knowing that he won't even notice I'm gone. It's kind of nice once in a while.

                  I think the big difference is that Mr. Boozy has never been into those online MMO games like WoW or Starcraft. Those games never end -- it's perpetually "one more turn, one more turn", until the end of time.

                  So you'll just have to put your foot down. I understand that you want to allow him some "unwind" time, but there's no reason why he can only unwind with Starcraft. I'm sure there are other activities you can do together that lets him blow off steam. Wink wink.

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                  • #10
                    I think the difference between gamers and sports fans is that the football game does have an end point. MMO's (as Boozy pointed out) don't. When Fiance sat down to watch the Packers game, I knew that he would watch the game and a little bit of the after commentary, and then we would hang out. He wouldn't get caught up in it for 12 hours (!).

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by DrFaroohk View Post

                      1) Why don't you learn how to play some of the games he likes? Perhaps you guys could team up, or play against each other to fight tension. Ya know, like "Oh he makes me so mad when he doesn't pick up his socks, I'm gonna Zerg rush him into the ground!"

                      I can't stand these types of games and have no desire to play them. He's played these games for a lot longer than we've been together and I don't want him to stop completely, just for a few hours on days like I've explained.

                      2) Sometimes being interrupted resets the whole thing. My ex-wife would bug me every 15 minutes about when I'll be done playing, but what she didn't get was I needed a set amount of time to myself. Usually just like 2 hours, but every time she bugged me, it reset the clock. Sometimes the message is "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE."

                      If I'm told that he will be in game for a set amount of time, I don't bother him until that time is up, unless it's to tell him dinner is ready.

                      3) Also, appreciate the fact that he's working 60 hours a week. I know it sucks sometimes cuz you miss him, but I used to have a similar problem. I worked my ass off to provide for my family, only to have them completely drain my soul when I got home, and all I wanted was to be left alone and have some time to myself so I could play Wow. Iknow it sounds selfish, but it's the truth nonetheless. It's just how it is. Ultimately what happened with me is I grew to resent and hate my job so much for taking up all my time that I started being a dick and I got fired.

                      I am extremely appreciative of the fact that he busts his ass every day to keep money coming in and I know that he needs some time to himself. My problem is when it takes up his entire day. He only gets one day off a week. His job takes up a lot of his time, but he deals with it because he knows we need the money.

                      4) Keep in mind that sometimes things are just the way they are. Sometimes you have to ask yourself "Ok, I am with a Gamer. Do I want to be with a gamer, or do I want to not be with a gamer?" Stop thinking about changing him so much and just wonder if it's a compatibility issue.

                      If I did not love him for what he is ( a gamer) then I would not be with him. And I don't want to change him that much! I just want him to put the game down for an hour. I'm not asking for much. I spend quite a bit of time with him and we do quite a bit together. My complaint is that there are days that his game playing pisses me off once in a while. You make it sound like I'm a terrible person who doesn't love my husband.

                      5) Be glad he's working hard, and just playing games. He's not out drinking, shooting heroin, or picking up chicks. He doesn't hit you or molest the kids. It's seriously not that big of a deal. And if it is...see #4.

                      Believe me, I know this. I'm an avid book collector and spent tons of money on books over the years. I've been told that it's a waste of my money, but I wasn't spending it on drugs.

                      6) Just talk with him, and try to set aside certain times. If you come up to him when he's halfway through the biggest match of his life, fuck off. He's busy. Talk to him when it's a GOOD TIME, and be like "Hey, can we do something later?"
                      I've talked to him. I talked to him today about it. I NEVER ask to talk to him while he's in game. I always wait until he's in between matches to ask if we could do something together. Again I am not a bitch!

                      I thought that I could come on here and get some help. Not have in insinuated that I'm a controlling, uncaring person. My husband and I have NO communication problems. We do quite a few things together. My issue is the fact that on the one day he's home for the entire day he gets sucked into a game and I can't pull him away for an hour or two so we could maybe play a match or two in Scrabble. I'm feeling like I should not have opened up on here. I know that this forum is here to get the nitty gritty from each other, but I feel like I've been judged just a little too much.

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                      • #12
                        Here I was ready to fillet Starcraft 2 ( Laughably excuse for a game. ) and you curveball.

                        That said, 12 hours isn't stress relief, it's a problem. That's not normal ( well, maybe in Korea ). Completely ignoring you for the most part in the process is even worse. I concur, you need *direct* communication with him about this problem, and it *is* a problem. Don't let it slide. You aren't the one that should be compromising or tip toeing around in this situation thinking you're infringing on his me time. There's a problem here, and it's his. He needs to deal with it and realise what its doing to you and your relationship.

                        Otherwise this is just going to fester from neglect to resentment.



                        Originally posted by DrFaroohk
                        1) Why don't you learn how to play some of the games he likes?
                        Why should she have to compromise in this already badly slanted situation? What if she doesn't like games? Why should she have to take part just to be acknowledged? -.-



                        2) Sometimes being interrupted resets the whole thing-
                        We're talking 12 hours though, not 2. And Starcraft 2 at that. Its not a game so intense that pausing it will end you. Nor is it one where a map or match takes hours and hours on end. It's an RTS. ;p


                        4) Keep in mind that sometimes things are just the way they are.
                        12 hours! This isn't about him being a gamer at that point.


                        5) Be glad he's working hard, and just playing games. He's not out drinking, shooting heroin, or picking up chicks. He doesn't hit you or molest the kids. It's seriously not that big of a deal. And if it is...see #4.
                        Thats some pretty damn low standards. "It's fine he ignores me all day long as he doesn't shoot heroin, cheat on me or hit me"?


                        Nrrr, I'm with Greenday. I understand what you're trying to say but it just doesn't apply in this particular scenario.

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                        • #13
                          A simple idea (would work on me) is next time he says he's in a match, and wants to finish it, sit down and watch him finish it, then remind him he said after that match. That way he won't be distracted. The "Just one more X" is sort of a reflexive reaction. He doesn't notice, so he doesn't keep to it.
                          "Nam castum esse decet pium poetam
                          ipsum, versiculos nihil necessest"

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                          • #14
                            The only thing I can suggest is ... seeing if you can set aside specific time for "his stuff" and "my stuff", time when you get to do whatever you want, be if a video game, going out alone, watching tv.


                            it's not always going to work out the way you or he want it to work but... if you have specific time set aside for what you each want to do alone, it may be easier to also get time that you want to spend together as well.


                            the biggest thing to do however, is work out a plan you both can agree to.

                            the other thing to consider also is... to think about how you want him to treat you as well. now granted, most of us gals may love it if our men say "hey come over here, i want to spend more time with you" we'd love it. but we wouldn't like them telling us how to live. likewise men don't like getting that either. and many of them will balk or be resistant if they think that's what's happening. so sometimes things work better when you say less about it.

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                            • #15
                              Closed by request of OP.

                              Rapscallion (heading to bed and looking gorgeous)
                              Proud to be a W.A.N.K.E.R. - Womanless And No Kids - Exciting Rubbing!
                              Reclaiming words is fun!

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