Harsh Realizations....

[Boozy]

And Fiance is like, "And we can just have a reception later for family." Well, I've already expressed my feelings on that - I'm not comfortable with inviting people to a reception but not the actual wedding.

There's no etiquette issue in inviting someone to a reception and not a ceremony (although you didn't say that etiquette was your objection to the idea). There's nothing wrong with inviting people to celebrate a wedding that has already taken place as long as you provide your guests with appropriate refreshments and make them feel comfortable.

Unfortunately, although that would save you some cash, it does rob you of walking down the aisle in a beautiful dress in front of all your loved ones. That's the most memorable part of their wedding for most people.

Pardon me if you've already addressed this and I've missed it, but have you considered just waiting a few years to get married? You're already living together, so there's no rush there. And I'm pretty sure that you've said that you plan to wait a lot longer to have kids. Why not put off the wedding a bit longer? Give you some time to save up.

[Andara Bledin]

But even the relatively simple things that I want really add up. 2 bridesmaids, 2 groomsmen, 2 Jr. attendants. All have to have a dress/suit.

Because my ceremony was done as a masquerade, our bridal party had to foot the bill for their own attire.

Actually, for the one time I was a bridesmaid, I still had to pay for my own dress and shoes.

^-.-^

[AdminAssistant]

Um...can you cut your attendants to the maid/matron of honor and the best man and leave the rest out? That would take care of some of the expense there. Maybe somebody can lend/give you a dress that you can modify for yourself. Food for the day...do a lot of people in your family cook? Does it have to be a sit down meal? Or can it be finger foods to munch on while everybody mingles?

We've already asked our attendants if they want to participate. Even if we do elope, I want them to be involved. In terms of food, the vast majority of reception sites that I've seen require specific caterers.

Why not put off the wedding a bit longer? Give you some time to save up.

Our plan for saving up for the wedding was for me to put aside scholarship money and for him to put aside his bonuses, which could be put to better use paying off our credit cards. We've already been engaged since July, and were planning on waiting until next May. After a recent hospital scare...I'm a little antsy to get it legal. I just don't want to put it off for years.... Gah! Why does this all have to be so difficult?

ETA:

Unfortunately, although that would save you some cash, it does rob you of walking down the aisle in a beautiful dress in front of all your loved ones. That's the most memorable part of their wedding for most people.

Exactly, Boozy.

Andara, I was really hoping to pay for at least part of their stuff.

[guywithashovel]

When my sister got married to her first husband, they had their wedding outdoors. It was at Ash Cave, which is actually more of an overhang than a cave. My dad liked to joke that "she got married in a ditch." My mom got the pastor of their church to preside over the wedding, and all the groomsmen were asked to wear black pants, a white shirt, and a burgundy tie (which we provided ourselves). I can't remember what the stipulation was for the bridesmaids dresses, but they had to provide their own dresses. We had the reception at a nearby banquet house.

My parents paid for it, and they controlled costs in any way they could. I can't remember exactly what it cost, though.

[Greenday]

I can kind of see where you are coming from. You might be unhappy about not having the wedding you want, which would suck but wouldn't last forever. But there might some...resentment that it's what you always wanted but never got it?

[AdminAssistant]

Right, Greenday.

But, luckily he works with a lot of married/engaged ladies, so he was able to get their perspective on things. Last night, we talked, negotiated, and decided that we could have a small wedding, we've just got to find a way to trim the guest list, see if my sister could still be up for hosting it, find an alternate location (just in case), and go from there. Oh, and apparently his cousin is a caterer and would probably give us a discount (or do it as our wedding present). I was like, "You're just telling me this now?" Silly boy.

[blas87]

I've never heard of the bride footing the whole bill for their bridesmaids' stuff, unless it got extremely expensive, they may chip in.

I had to pay for everything, even the $40 hairdo that was only supposed to cost $20 (and in the words of my friend "Oopsie! Sorry!", on top of the nearly $200 I spent on the damn dress and the $50 on the shoes, mind you I was on reduced hours for 3 months that year!!!).

I don't see why they can't pay for their own dresses and stuff, and seeing as you aren't a spoiled princess demanding a celebritity style wedding, I can't see how it would even get that expensive.

[Greenday]

Last wedding my sister was in, all the bridesmaids had to pay for their stuff: dresses, makeup, hair, etc.

[Giggle Goose]

The wedding I'm in next month is BANKRUPTING me. We're leaving for the bachelorette party in NYC next weekend and instead of thinking about how good a time it will be, I'm thinking of how the hell I can afford everything (food, drinks, etc.). New York ain't cheap!

I'm glad you're being considerate of your wedding party, AA. Shit adds up but I know it's for a good cause in the end.

[ExRetailDrone]

I'm sorry things are tough, AA, and you might have to cut down on the things you want on you and your fiance's special day. A couple of things that we did to help cut costs at our wedding, which may or may not be possible given the differences in location.

Don't have a set dress that your bridesmaids have to wear, just pick out a color and let them get the dress. I only had my maid of honor, but she found a nice dress that flattered her in the shade of blue that I wanted - she found it at a second hand store and paid somewhere around $50 for it.

Her and my hair was done by a co-worker of ours who gave us a really good deal.

The photography was done by another co-worker of mine, and my maid of honor paid for it as a wedding present. It was pretty reasonable, too, given what her fees usually are for weddings.

My wedding dress was actually a bridesmaid-style that I special ordered in off-white. After alterations, I spent less than $200 on it.

If you want a veil and are able, think of making it yourself. Veils are not cheap for what they're made of. Otherwise you could fashion some other headpiece that suits you - my mom had a circlet of fake flowers made for me

Our reception was held at a local restaurant that we both love. At the time, they were closed on Saturdays and Sundays and would hold private events. That was the most expensive part, but overall it still wasn't bad. About $1400 after a very nice tip for everyone being so great to all of us. Granted, we only had about 40 people. But the food was great, it was buffet-style. It was a creole restaurant, so instead of getting a cake we had bread pudding for everyone as dessert. For the wedding party we also had mud pie.

Our ceremony location I think we got lucky on. It was near the water at a pavilion that was enclosed. Since our guest list was small it easily fit everyone. I think after we got our deposit back we spent $150 on it for 2 hours. But I know in other areas that price might be highly unrealistic.

I got some ideas out of a book called Bridal Bargains (or something like that) that a friend gave to me, and others my husband and I just kind of winged it. Neither of us are religious so we didn't want to have it held in a church, so I can feel your pain on finding the right place and the right person to officiate. But there are ways to cut costs, and I hope that you will be able to do so so that you can have the wedding that you desire. It doesn't sound like your wants are over-the-top to me... you're not looking for an 'average' costing wedding (in the tens of thousands ) that could easily bankrupt most people. I'm sorry that it seems everyone is second guessing you and trying to get you to do things that they want instead of respecting what you want.

[AdminAssistant]

Thanks, ExRetailDrone. I have both Bridal Bargains and the Bridal Bargains Planner. I've thought about picking up the Off Beat Bride book, but her website tends toward the...snobbish...if you do things too traditionally. Like the post I read yesterday mocking a cosmetics company for putting out a special line of bridal nail polish. "I bet they're all icky pale pink, who wants that?!?!?" Um, me? I happen to like neutral shades on my nails if I paint them at all, tyvm. Wanting a white/ivory dress and wearing an engagement ring doesn't make me a bad feminist, either.

Next time I go home, I'm going to talk to our neighbor who apparently makes dresses, see how much she charges, etc. She could probably also make a veil, but if not, one of my bridesmaids is a costume designer/seamstress and would probably do it. I'd ask her to make the dresses, but she had a really bad experience making dresses for a mutual friend's wedding.

The challenge now is paring down the guest list. I have 2 cousins that I'd like to invite. However, I have about 8 others, plus their spouses and kids. Is it okay to invite a couple and not all? I worry (probably too much) about offending people. Fiance has a smaller family, and isn't inviting all of them because some of them are pretty horrible people, to be frank.

ETA: GG, I would never want to make my friends spend a lot of money on my wedding. I don't even really want a bachelorette party - I'd rather have party with our mutual friends.