Weddings and Society

[Andara Bledin]

If I count right, between the two of us, we could have stretched "family" to include less than 40 people. I suspect that's pretty average, really, as opposed to small.

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[AdminAssistant]

Any wedding that didn't involve just myself, my husband, and a Justice of the Peace was going to be large. There was no getting around it.

That's the boat I'm in. I don't have a large family (four aunts total, one sibling), but when I did immediate family, aunts/uncles, and first cousins (with spouses and children) for just my family, it came out to ~40 people. Fiance has even more aunts, uncles, and cousins, but he's not on good terms with his family, and he still hasn't decided who he wants to invite. I'm probably going to nix all but two of my cousins in an effort to get our guest list under 75.

As far as the cost of wedding-related stuff...one of the problems is that there really aren't any discount alternatives. Take dresses for example. If you want a "wedding dress" but need to spend less than $500, you're boned. You can order something from the internet (often direct from China) or you can try department stores. The only actual discount 'bridal salon' is David's Bridal, and I've heard such horror stories about their customer service that I'm afraid to go in there.

You don't host a party and expect anything of your guests except appropriate behaviour at the event.

Yes! And you should expect appropriate behavior. I plan on asking a few people to act as unofficial 'bouncers.' There won't be any booze, so there shouldn't be too many problems, but I want a neutral third party available to split up any family tiffs that may happen. (Recently divorced parents = potential for drama)

[ExRetailDrone]

Guess I'll just be agreeing to disagree about the cash bar thing. I find nothing wrong with it, I've never thought any wedding I've went to with a cash bar was tacky, and our guests at my wedding were fine and dandy with it.

[Sarah Valentine]

When I get married my wedding is going to be nice and small, and simple, and cheap.

[BlaqueKatt]

There are quite a few things that people buy for themselves that aren't my cup of tea, but I don't think it's distasteful. People are free to spend their money on whatever they'd like and makes them happy. What's wasteful to you is important to someone else.

spending the same amount of money on less than 8 hours that one could buy a car that would last 10-20 seems quite materialistic and shallow, I find materialism and shallowness to be quite distasteful. Aside from the stress of an almost unrealistic expectation of the "perfect day", it's ONE DAY out of 50-60 YEARS, that will most definitely be a major letdown, at some point, life isn't perfect, creating or attempting to create the illusion of perfection for even one day is unhealthy. I've witnessed it become an obsession, perfect =happiness, one snag and "the day is ruined". In the past 5 years I've been to five weddings, the small inexpensive ones, the love of the couple for each other was evident(they were glowing and happy), the big lavish ones(and all the other lavish ones I've been to, which is a lot), it seemed to be a huge smokescreen, and the couple was severely stressed(and at times openly hostile towards each other) trying to figure out how to pay for it(my boss is still paying off her wedding, she's been divorced for 4 years). Stating off a new life together with almost crippling debt for ONE DAY is not a good start for any relationship, as soon as the honeymoon is over and the bills start coming in, the money fights start...I've seen it happen more times than I'd like to admit.

[MaggieTheCat]

Here's what I don't get. People who are planning on buying a house/car/other large investment, or are going to school on student loans or have gone to school and have student loans to still pay off, or who are going to have kids soon, or who otherwise have some kind of large debt or are planning on going into debt...and still spend $10,000+ on a wedding. That is easily a downpayment, or part of a downpayment on a house, or a portion of a student loan that you could be paying off, that you are instead spending on a one day affair. ONE DAY. Is one day really so important as to put you thousands of dollars into debt that will take YEARS to pay off?

If you have the money, fine. If you already have a house, car, no debt, a well paying job, and some money saved up, wonderful. Spend it however you want. But if you have several thousand -- or tens of thousand -- of dollars in student loans, a car payment, and want to buy a house and raise a family when you get married, spending any more than a couple thousand dollars at the MOST on a wedding is ridiculous and stupid, in my opinion.

I don't get people, especially women, who say that their wedding day is the happiest day of their lives. It's like they're saying that it's all just going to go downhill from there and they'll never be as happy as they are when they have the princess bride thing going on.

[Boozy]

spending the same amount of money on less than 8 hours that one could buy a car that would last 10-20 seems quite materialistic and shallow, I find materialism and shallowness to be quite distasteful.

My wedding day lasted just a day, but I'll have fond memories of it forever.

The first car my husband and I bought together cost about the same as our wedding. We sold it last year. I have no strong memories of that thing whatsoever. It was just a car.

Aside from the stress of an almost unrealistic expectation of the "perfect day", it's ONE DAY out of 50-60 YEARS, that will most definitely be a major letdown, at some point, life isn't perfect, creating or attempting to create the illusion of perfection for even one day is unhealthy.

I think you need to separate the obsessive types from everyone else.

To use your car example: I've seen people obsessed over the perfect vehicle. They make their passengers wipe their feet before getting in. They spend hours tweaking the engine for optimal performance, and spend thousands of dollars on cosmetic upgrades. If someone accidentally scratches the paint, they lose their shit and fly into a rage.

If I thought about cars the way you think about weddings, I'd have to conclude that cars are something only maniacs would spend money on.

My wedding didn't have to be perfect. I didn't even bother trying. But yes, I spent money on things that you might have found shallow, like flowers and wine and live cello music. Hell, I still spend money on these things. I work hard for my money, and I like to spend it on things that make me happy. So I buy tickets to the symphony, or buy a nice Bordeaux or pretty bouquet of flowers once in a while. And I bought a lot of these things all at once to commemorate a big day in my life. So what?

[guywithashovel]

When my dad's sister got married for the first time, my grandparents went all out on their wedding. It ended up costing them around $5000, I think. That probably sounds paltry in comparison to some of the amounts that have been tossed around in this thread, but this was back in 1982. It was a big wedding with a big reception and a band. They ended up getting divorced a few years later.

After that, my grandparents told my aunt, "Okay, if you ever decide to get married again, you and your husband just elope and tell us about it when you get home." That's pretty much what she did, too. In 1993, she met a guy and married him, and they've been together ever since.

I don't know if I'll ever be lucky enough to find someone willing to go this far with me, but if I do, I hope she'll be the laid back type who would be happy with something really simple. I don't think I could tolerate a bridezilla. I have a very low threshold for drama and conflict, and I work very hard at avoiding both of them.

[fireheart17]

The weddings I can remember include:

Wedding #1:

-Small ceremony held at a German restaurant out in the middle of nowhere (Nyoibo, you may or may not know the one, it's out at Coromandel Valley)
-Bride just wore a simple nice outfit. Groom ditto. Bridesmaid also ditto.
-Reception was held IN the restaurant. (fond memory I have of this one was that one of the guests kept hitting on a waitress )

Bearing in mind that it was their second wedding for both of them. They also included little passages from a kid from each side of the family.

Wedding #2: (my cousin's)

-Held along one floor of a hotel (they booked the chapel, bar and ballroom/s for it)
-Bride wore a nice white dress. Bridesmaids (my cousins and a friend of hers) had simple dresses that I think were hand-made since I seriously doubt they were able to find the same dress in 2 different sizes.
-As far as I'm aware, it was a cash bar, but soft drinks and whatnot were free.
-Wedding reception was a small buffet style affair.

Memory from this day was that my cousin actually had an egg-timer on hand to time the speeches on her wedding day

Now a friend of mine is getting married. This will be interesting.

My dream wedding will be:

-Themed. We're thinking sort of eclectic medieval since there are some REALLY nice dresses in that time period that I can always wear again for costume parties etc. (the guests wouldn't have to dress up ). My Viking garb is too plain for a wedding. Alternately I can always hire out a dress for the wedding...there are some REALLY nice dresses I see in costume shops that I would LOVE to wear for a wedding. I believe that Evil Queen (on the CS.com forum) also showed me a dress.
-Small. While we each have groups of friends, a good chunk of our friends are mutual. Because of my family size, we may end up having just the closer family relations and then either streaming it or similar for those who can't make it (since they'll be in another state). The boyfriends family isn't exactly huge, but still. (also his sister is intellectually disabled)
-Possibly buffet.

At my first Medieval Fair, someoen decided to have their wedding there.

[muses_nightmare]

I don't know if I'd want a huge wedding, but I'd like to do something. My best friend's wedding is a good example, I think the whole thing cost in total $3500, that was with the dress, tux, the location (which was beautiful by the way), and any decorations or other assorted things. My friend used her ipod instead of a DJ, the dinner was partially a potluck, and they had the reception at her inlaws' place.

Her dress was around $400, and it was actually designed as a bridesmaid dress, but it came in white, and it was beautiful! I couldn't imagine spending more than that on a dress, if I had the money maybe, but right now, I'd like something simple (though if I did have all the money in the world I'd want a dress from http://www.rivendellbridal.com/ ).

I also don't get all of the random things people feel you must do at a wedding, all the traditions and such, they all just seem like things that cause stress to the couple or the guests. My friend didn't buy her bridesmaids dresses for us, she just told us to wear black or dark coloured dresses, we didn't need to go out and spend a ton on them, I got mine for $15 at Ross, and I still love it! My boyfriend's mom was shocked that she didn't buy dresses for her bridesmaids, i could see being annoyed if she had required a specific dress, but she didn't.

Personally I can't see spending $10 000 + on a party, but that's just me.

[Racket_Man]

My entire wedding ran about $800, and the majority of that was for food and the cake. We had about 30 people. It's amazing how much warm fuzzy you can get without having to break the bank to do it.


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same here when Ex and I got married in the mid 1980's. just family and a few friends with the reception at a decent Mexican place.

when I get married again (hopefully in the near future) we will jsut have us the witnesses and a nice dinner for 4 or 6 afterward.

[Greenday]

I see both the ups and downs of huge weddings. Honestly, it'd be fun as hell to have a big wedding. One massive party! On the other hand, it's pretty expensive. A lot more planning. A lot more drama. You get the idea.

One of the most fun weddings I went to was one of my aunt's second wedding. They married on the beach (we all live within a couple miles), it was just family, casual dress (guys wore khaki shorts and hawaiian shirts), their priest did it for them as a favor (I'm not that religious, but I really like that guy). Afterwards, we went back to my uncle's mom's house and they had the reception there. She has a big patio/lounge area out back with a pool. Kids had fun in the pool. A local place catered it for cheap. Enough alcohol to have fun but no one got trashed. Then the storm of the century hit. All of a sudden it got dark, windy, and shit hit the fan. Storm was so bad power cables got knocked down all over the county. Nearly died trying to get home. No power for about a week. But it was memorable, it was cheap, and in the end we all had fun.

[Nyoibo]

My wedding, if I ever get married, is going to involve armour, swords, axes, a longhall and a dead animal on a spit over a fire pit and a cauldrom of mead.

[AdminAssistant]

I see both the ups and downs of huge weddings. Honestly, it'd be fun as hell to have a big wedding. One massive party! On the other hand, it's pretty expensive. A lot more planning. A lot more drama. You get the idea.

Well, if you go to a catering hall or something similar, you just write one check and they take care of everything for you. I looked at one that could do both the wedding and reception and they'd do the decorations, flowers, and food, and they would even make your cake if you wanted. Sure, it's not as personal, but it's a LOT less headache. I mean, I could spend the next 11 months hand-making decorations and favors and flowers from scraps of materials but I don't have time!

[Andara Bledin]

Sure, it's not as personal, but it's a LOT less headache.

This is why you have a wedding planner. Someone else to bring it all together, but who seeks your guidance so that what gets brought together is your vision, and not some generic wedding-by-numbers ceremony.

Our planner was also a close friend, so that made things much easier. And later on, we treated everybody who had helped with the ceremony to a special thank you dinner out.

^-.-^