Going back to work :(

[DrFaroohk]

So Mrs. Faroohk has suggested that perhaps she's getting tired of being the breadwinner and wants Dr. Faroohk to go back to work.

This is ok I guess, except I suck at jobs and I get really easily stressed out especially when I feel stupid at learning a new thing. And people never take it seriously, so its just more frustrating to get a dismissive hand wave when I tell someone I have a problem.

And then there's the home problem...the fact is, I suck at working and making money, but I'm really good at being home. Sure my wife has to work some 15 hour days, and I appreciate that, but I also take really awesome care of her when she gets home. She gets to just sit in the chair, put her feet up, and I take care of everything else. I bring her food, anything else she needs. I rub her feet, we watch whatever she wants, etc...I think I rule at that.

Basically anything she wants, she gets, and not only do I provide the things she wants, but I encourage it and even suggest and offer! If I know there's a really cool band she likes and they're playing somewhere, I'll tell her and suggest she go. Most guys don't let their women leave the house without an escort, but I'm totally cool with it so when she goes out she's not like "Oh man I want to have fun but my husband is at home sulking!" Not at all with me. I encourage the things that make her happy.

And...she's not so good at this. This isn't to bitch, per se, it's just...her strengths do not involve being a home body. Y'all might recall some of my rants a while back about things I hated about coming home from work, such as getting out really late and seeing the kids were still up. HATED THAT SHIT! Hated having to ask and fight for the littlest scrap of what made me happy. I was miserable! It's no wonder I sort of lost it a little, started making bad decisions and while I was a good employee, I did just a little too much screwing around for their tastes so when they needed good excuses to trim the staff I was on their list.

Am I totally in the wrong here? I just want to be taken care of when I get home from work. I want to come home and if its late, I want the kids in bed. If I feel like coming home and just playing world of warcraft, I want to. Without people bothering me, sighing loudly in the chair next to me or running into the bathroom crying. If I want to come home and go to bed, that means I'm tired, it doesn't mean wake me up in 2 hours because you're bored. If I want to sleep on the couch because it's more comfortable than the bed, I want to do it. And I don't want to always have to be asking for these things. I want my mate to recognize the things that make me happy and offer them with no guilt, only a side of encouragement.

Unfortunately I don't see this ever happening and I doubt I'll be getting a good job anytime soon anyway. Just good to rant.

[guywithashovel]

I'll admit, when I read that part about your wife having to work some 15 hour days, my eyebrow went up and I was ready to suggest that she's probably right about you needing to go back to work. However, if you really are doing as much on the homefront as you say you are (and I'm sure you are), then it sounds like your pulling your weight well.

As for wanting to be left alone when you come home from work, I can understand that. When I still lived with my parents, I would come home at around 11:30 at night from going to school and working that day. I'm an introverted person, and my job at the time required me to provide a lot of customer service. When I got home, I just wanted to go into my room and tune the whole world out for a while. However, my mom never could seem to fully grasp this. Don't get me wrong. She would tell me "I know you never feel like talking much when you get home." However, as soon as I came in the door, she'd attach herself to my hip and start rambling to me about all manner of things (who she saw at the store that day, something Dad did that day, etc.). And my mom is not concise. If she's going to tell you a story, she's going to take at least fifteen minutes to do it, and she's going to go through every minor detail. I know my mom didn't mean anything bad by that. I guess she just never really grasped that little fact about me. Then again, I don't think I was ever very clear about explaining it.

Would your wife understand if you sat down with her and explained to her that after a day's work, you just need some time to yourself to recharge, and that it's nothing person if you want to sleep on the couch or play some video games for a while, it's nothing personal?

[Andara Bledin]

You could try the Pro/Neg route.

Get a sheet of paper and write all the pros to trading positions on one side and all the negatives on the other. Each of you do this separately, and then compare notes.

Also, write out all of the "jobs/chores" that would be changing hands. Make sure that it's not just, "you go to work and still do all the stuff at home while I stop working."

^-.-^

[tropicsgoddess]

Is there something you could do that can be done at home? Freelancing or selling stuff for money or a stable work at home job (customer service rep, writer, etc)?

[MaggieTheCat]

My husband has an office job that pays for most of our bills. I work from home making crafty things like jewelry and selling at craft shows. I don't make nearly as much as my husband -- not enough to sustain us on my income alone -- but mine goes toward other things like eating out or buying gifts for people (or ourselves when we want something), stuff like that. It works out well for us.

I only mention it because tropicsgoddess mentioned doing something freelance from home, and I just wanted to throw out that you shouldn't expect to be making enough to be the primary breadwinner right away. You can certainly help contribute to the household income and maybe eventually your wife could quit her dayjob or only work part time or something, but don't go into a home business venture without another form of backup income.

[Ree]

Most guys don't let their women leave the house without an escort, but I'm totally cool with it so when she goes out she's not like "Oh man I want to have fun but my husband is at home sulking!"

What an enlightened 21st century man you are.
You don't even make her wear a burka.

[DrFaroohk]

What an enlightened 21st century man you are.
You don't even make her wear a burka.

lol hardly enlightened, but I do treat my wife better than a lot of guys around here do. Live in Maine, but our area is basically like the worst parts of the deep south run by the taliban.

As for pulling my own weight, well....basically when she has a 15 hour day, so do I. My "job" isn't as physically demanding as hers is, but a lot more stressful I think.

I believe I failed to mention one of the problems right now is childcare. We tried a route once where we both worked full time, but putting the kids in day care was more money than I was making so it felt pointless.

For me the ideal situation is that we tough it out until the little one is in school, therefore both are in school, and then I'd like to get a graveyard shift somewhere. Get home in time to kick the kids onto the school bus and pass out on the couch. And then we can BOTH work and actually have some good cash coming in.

[anakhouri]

We're pretty much in the same boat Dr. Daycare is so expensive that we are actually saving a little money by me staying home with the hobbit. And my husband also works long hours- averaging 13 hours a day (though on the weekends he keeps it to 8 hours or so). You're right that when he works 13 hours, so do I. Housework, shopping etc with a super-active toddler is a whole different kind of job. While I would be willing to work and let him stay home, it's impossible because he is working in an academic environment and will pretty much never be able to quit.

[Andara Bledin]

One thing to note when dealing with how much you make at a job: You can't just figure the take-home pay. How much are you having taken out for deductions? Your tax return at the end of the year should approach as close to $0 as you can make it; do you have that dialed in? How much are you getting in benefits? If you're getting any form of health care, that's worth quite a bit. As an example, my work pays $90/week for my medical benefits. Then there's the 401k, where I get an extra 5% of my pay as a bonus for putting it in the fund. Employer matching is free money and it baffles me that people don't take full advantage.

^-.-^

[DrFaroohk]

Yeah I went the healthcare route...one of the things I hated about my last job was that my benefits were sooooo damn expensive. Over half my pay. I was working like a dog and other people were bringing home nice 4 figure weekly paychecks and I'd be barely bringing home minimum wage with my 60 hour work week.

[kiwi]

What an enlightened 21st century man you are.
You don't even make her wear a burka.

I laughed so hard at this I had mikes hard come out of my nose

Is there anywork you could do that is part time to start with and when she isn't at work? Weekends and evenings?

With christmas coming up most places are hiring seasonal staff so that might be a good test run?