"Why aren't you married yet?"

[Giggle Goose]

This is probably something that's been discussed a lot around here, but I'm really feeling it lately.

I've been with my boyfriend for three years and we've lived together for 1.5 of those years (we moved in kinda soon; I got a job in the area and it was more financially feasible for me to move in with him on a trail basis. It ended up working out because I'm still there!)

Anyway, we know we want to get married, and he's indicated his intentions to my parents. We have several reasons for not wanting to take the plunge at this moment:

a) We want to save for a moderately priced wedding (neither sets of parents can foot the bill)
b) We'd like to be in a financial position to purchase a home first
c) I want to finish grad school. I am NOT working full time, going to school part time, and planning a wedding all at the same time. Nuh-uh.
d) We don't want to be a couple that is engaged for years and years before getting married. I know everyone's different and I respect others' decisions, but in my mind, if you're engaged that means you have a date set and there is nothing else that needs to be done before you're ready to start going into full wedding-planning mode.

But we're in the classic scenario right now where we have several sets of friends that are getting married, we're in our mid to late 20s (late for him ), he owns a home, and we live together. The amount of societal pressure is INSANE! And when I tell these well-meaning folks I run into at various social funcions that we're waiting until I finish school, I get this puzzled look as if I couldn't possibly want to do anything more with my life than get married.

I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I feel like I need to have some kind of recorded script I should play whenever I go to these events and get asked the same question over and over!!!

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I had a female friend that used to just say "I haven't found the right woman yet."

I hate questions like that. They're usually asked by people who are just too damn chicken to express what they're really thinking, which is "tch, tch, what's wrong with you?"

I've actually said "there's something wrong with me." to people back when I was single. Makes the situation good and awkward.

Hey, if they want awkward...they're gonna get it.

But make no mistake, if you marry, it won't stop. Then you get "why don't you have any children?" (the "something's wrong with me" response works GREAT for that one!). If you have a kid, it becomes "when are you going to have another one."

I swear, they say it to ME. I'm nearly FIFTY YEARS OLD and people ask me this, no fucking kidding. I bet when I'm eighty, they'll still be asking it.

But if someone asks you a rude, stupid question, you don't have to answer it. You can simply pretend you didn't hear it. If they persist with it, you can then say "You know, I was being nice and pretending I didn't hear you ask that. " and then changing the subject again.

[AdminAssistant]

Welcome to the wide wide world of weddings, and as RK said, it doesn't get better. We were engaged for a year before we had a set date. For us, even though we'd only been dating for 6 months...we knew we were getting married. Why not make it semi-official? YMMV, of course. But that meant for a year it was, "When are you getting married? Where are you getting married? Where are you going for your honeymoon? Where are you going to register?" Etc. Now that we have a date, location, dress, loose color scheme, and wedding party it's, "When are you going to have a shower? What kind of music are you playing? Who's your florist? Who's your photographer? How long are you waiting to pop out progeny because that is the only fucking thing in life that matters?"

*sigh* I even have a boatload of sweet little old Baptists who want to throw me a big ol' wedding shower...except that I'm not planning on inviting them all to the wedding because my guest list is already over 100 and I haven't even seen them in 10 years.

NOW, as someone in grad school who is planning a wedding, I have found that it's actually a nice distraction from school work. When I'm tired of pondering the significance of nationalism in popular entertainment...I can research florists or read wedding blogs or somesuch trivial nonsense. Just my two cents.

[patiokitty]

I'm 39 and I have a 19 yo son, and I've been single for most of my son's life - just the way I like it! Yet my mother keeps harping on about wanting more grandchildren and how I'd be happier if I were to get married finally.

Um, yeah, but no.

I've been engaged three times and each time something has gone beyond wrong on the part of the guy. First one cheated on me with his sister's best friend, second one (my son's father) threatened to kick me in the stomach so I'd miscarry (this the very day I discovered I was pregnant), and the third one got to the point where drugs and booze were more important than me and my then-6yo son. I've been happily single ever since.

But my mother keeps insisting I'd be happier if I got married and gave her more grandkids. I finally told her that if she wants more grandkids then perhaps she'd better have more children of her own because I sure as hell wasn't having any more - I can't go to term and my son is my miracle kid, as in it's a miracle he's still a live after some of the boners he's pulled LOL As for getting married, I'm not going to write it off as a possibility but I'm not about to go get hitched just for the sake of 'stability' or 'happiness.' Hell, I've been happier living in sin with a guy than I have being engaged to the jerk - it's after the proposal when things have gone to shit.

I don't even mention that I'm dating to my mother anymore because the next thing out of her mouth is "Are you finally going to get married?" Or "Are you pregnant yet?" This despite her knowing full well that the likelihood of me going full-term again is incredibly slim. And at 39 I really don't want anymore children anyway, even if I could feasible go to term again.

[protege]

But we're in the classic scenario right now where we have several sets of friends that are getting married, we're in our mid to late 20s (late for him ), he owns a home, and we live together. The amount of societal pressure is INSANE!

It doesn't stop. I turned 35 last year, and several relatives have wondered why I haven't settled down with someone, bought the house with the white picket fence, the 2.4 kids, etc. In fact, I get to hear about it at every family gathering. So why haven't I?

Never mind that my luck with dating sucks. If you really want all the details, look in my LiveJournal. Plus, after watching the 30-plus years of fireworks at my mother's house...I'm really in no hurry. I have enough drama at work, I'll be damned if I'm going to come home to that. Also, I'm not sure I could get away with many of the things I currently do. That is, I build models in the living room, occasionally clean up MG parts in the kitchen sink...and even though I clean, the house is never spotless. It is kinda depressing though, since most of my friends are married, or at least in a relationship. Some of them, have been in their respective situations 10 or 15 years now.

So for now, I tell people that I do have a house, and two kids. Of course, I add that the kids have 4 legs, tails, and meow.

[guywithashovel]

Oddly enough, I don't get this too often. A couple months ago, at a former coworker's birthday celebration, someone asked me what I was doing about being single. I don't remember what I said.

When I was closing on my new house, the guy at the title company asked me about my new house. When I told him it had three bedrooms and two full bathrooms, he said, "Yeah, you'll be married before long." I guess we'll see.

Fun little tidbit: I've been thinking about getting a cat once I get settled into my house. I've always liked cats for some reason. A while ago, I read an article somewhere that said if a single man gets a cat, he's dooming himself to being single forever. Hmmm

[AdminAssistant]

Oh yeah, Mom's already bugging me about kids. Nevermind that I'm still in school, and I'd rather be a Ph.D. than a mother, frankly. I worry that if I got pregnant before then, I'd never finish. We also have a lot of debt to pay down and are really living on the edge at the moment. She actually said to me, "If you wait till you have enough money to have a kid, you'll never have one!"

Well, oh well... And if I don't have one the old-fashioned way before 35, I'm getting sterilized. I'm not putting my body or a fetus at risk.

[protege]

A while ago, I read an article somewhere that said if a single man gets a cat, he's dooming himself to being single forever. Hmmm

If that's the case, since I have two....I'm truly fucked

[Nyoibo]

A while ago, I read an article somewhere that said if a single man gets a cat, he's dooming himself to being single forever. Hmmm

If that's the case, since I have two....I'm truly fucked

I've got 3, I do however have a GF, I call bull on the article.

[Andara Bledin]

The boyfriend and I have been together for over a decade. We just bought a house together. Thankfully, we don't have to deal with this question, much. My family really doesn't care either way (marriage isn't really popular over there) and his mother's side doesn't care much (she actually chose not to marry again at one point, then relented and is still married to her current husband) and his father's side doesn't mention it, but we suspect his grandmother would much prefer that we were married.

We sometimes, rarely, get asked it by friends, but only because they're curious to know if we plan to at all; it's not something we get pressed on, thankfully.

^-.-^

[MaggieTheCat]

A while ago, I read an article somewhere that said if a single man gets a cat, he's dooming himself to being single forever. Hmmm

My husband had 2 cats before we started dating, and we've been married a little over 2 years now. What a bunch of B.S.

[Canarr]

If that's the case, since I have two....I'm truly fucked

Well, if you are, then being single isn't so bad...

[Giggle Goose]

I've actually said "there's something wrong with me." to people back when I was single. Makes the situation good and awkward.

Hey, if they want awkward...they're gonna get it.

I cannot wait to try this

[Elspeth]

I got this from my Mother in Law when the hubby and I were dating. We have been together since the 9th grade (been together 20 years this past June). At one point she said why don't you date other people. Then after high school while we were both in college, she starts with "why hasn't Els made you marry her yet?"

I about hit the ceiling on that one. I was going to school full time he was working full time. We agreed that one of us should finish school first. And I did, two days later we were getting married. That part I don't recommend.

[KellyHabersham]

I have to say, it bothers me a bit that I DON'T get asked that sort of question -not sure if it's because people have gotten so used to the idea of my being single/not dating, but it does make me wonder what they might be thinking.