Fathers who don't take responsibility for their kids

[Crazedclerkthe2nd]

Little makes me angrier than a man who will date (or otherwise get involved with) a woman, get her pregnant (often unexpectedly) and then run away. Frequently, they leave even before the baby is even born.

Ok, you don't want a kid right now. You don't want to be a dad. Fair enough, but guess what? YOU HAD SEX with the girl. Whether you like it or not that baby is yours and you have a responsibility to him or her. I just find it so cowardly to run away from a situation like this.

I know circumstances can be difficult, I know people have issues, I know relationships can be abusive and so forth but I believe the vast majority of the time there is NO EXCUSE for abandoning a child like that.

Yeah, caring for a child is a challenging, exhausting, complicated thing to do. But it can also be highly rewarding IF you put in the effort.

It takes two people to make a child and ideally it should take two to raise it.

The mother has to carry the child and deliver it. The father doesn't.
A pregnancy doesn't change his body at all. I don't know if because the mother carries the baby, she feels more of an attachment to it than the father or if guys are just terrified of fatherhood but I can't understand how someone can so easily walk away from something like that.

Guys shouldn't get a free pass just because we don't have a womb.

A real man doesn't run away. A real man does what he has to do to be there for his kids. Even if it hurts, even if it's exhausting, even if it's the hardest thing he's ever had to do.

[TheHuckster]

Don't really have anything to disagree with here.

I know someone whose casual girlfriend got pregnant and as things progressed, the relationship went sour quickly. The guy is a tad stubborn, but the girlfriend is absolutely bonkers, and is currently using the child as a pawn in their fights. If they get in any kind of fight (usually petty), then not only he but his family can't see the baby.

He's doing everything he can to be with the baby as much as possible, even after she moved thousands of miles away. Nevertheless, because she keeps the baby from him at her whim and moves an expensive plane ticket away, she's starting to claim that he is abandoning the baby, which is absolutely ridiculous. He's even looking for jobs where she's moving.

[draco664]

Mostly agree.

However, it's not an equal responsibility. If the man wants to have the pregnancy terminated but the woman does not, his opinion does not count. If the woman wants to have an abortion and the man does not, his opinion does not count.

There is also the fact that the courts/laws are stacked against men quite significantly - to the point where women can use children (and access to them) as a weapon against men. And for the most part, men have no recourse against it.

Yes, it takes two to make a baby. And yes, the best thing for a child is to have a strong female role model and a strong male role model. But the roles are not, and are unlikely ever to be, equal.

[bex1218]

Yes, it takes two to make a baby. And yes, the best thing for a child is to have a strong female role model and a strong male role model. But the roles are not, and are unlikely ever to be, equal.

The best thing for a child is to have a caring parent (or caring parents, or whoever is in the child's life) regardless of gender. Fighting and putting the child in the middle of their stupid squabbles is wrong. If the parents wants to see the child and the child wants to see the parent, it should be allowed. It gets testier if the parents doesn't even want anything to do with the kid.

[Lace Neil Singer]

There's also mothers who don't want their kids; my friend, who I've mentioned before, got custody of his kids cuz of his ex wife being a certified nutjob. She told her eldest son that she was disowning him cuz he was autistic, and physically attacked the others. It's a fallacy to assume that women automatically have motherly feelings for their offspring just cuz they birthed them.

[KellyHabersham]

*just some observations based on personal experiences*

I think some guys are like that because that's how their fathers were towards them.......with Jeremy (my daughter's "father"), his dad was apparently never really involved, and when it came to his two half-sisters, one of the fathers wasn't that reliable.....not sure about the youngest girl's father.

But on the other hand, Rick (my sister's husband) has a father who was never all that in the picture, but he's a great dad with my nephew and nieces. (and he fills in as a positive male role model for Heather, which I appreciate)

[crashhelmet]

*just some observations based on personal experiences*

I think some guys are like that because that's how their fathers were towards them.......with Jeremy (my daughter's "father"), his dad was apparently never really involved, and when it came to his two half-sisters, one of the fathers wasn't that reliable.....not sure about the youngest girl's father.

But on the other hand, Rick (my sister's husband) has a father who was never all that in the picture, but he's a great dad with my nephew and nieces. (and he fills in as a positive male role model for Heather, which I appreciate)

This is better served with a separate discussion, but it comes down to the person on a personal level and how they allow things in their lives to influence them.

[crashhelmet]

I can tell you from my own personal experience how much fathers are screwed when it comes to their rights with their children and even children that aren't theirs.

I have a son that will turn 6 in a few weeks. I was forced to give him up for adoption after the state took him away from his mother. When he was 4 months old, he was found to have 4 broken bones. Both legs and 2 ribs. Based on the x-rays, doctors believed he was dropped from several feet off the ground.

They were discovered when my ex took him to get his next round of shots and she claimed to have no idea how they could've happened. CPS was immediately called in and they took him into custody. Because they had no idea what exactly happened, they not only charged her with abuse and neglect, but charged me with it too. Even though I was not living with them and had not seen either of them for a month, due to me working my ass off trying to get what I needed to file for custody of him, and was 60+ miles away when the fractures were discovered.

I lost my job at "big major casino company" because of the charges. I couldn't find a new job because I couldn't pass a background check because of the charges. It took me 7 months to get the charges against me officially dropped. They agreed to do it in the very first court case, but the constant changing of judges and ADAs at each proceeding continually delayed it from happening.

Before I could finish getting myself back on my feet, the state moved to terminate both of our rights to him. Every attempt my lawyer and I tried to fight it or delay it long enough to get the last few pieces in place were shot down by the judge. My options were to have my rights terminated and screw me over for any possible future custody issues I may be in, or voluntarily give him up and save me from automatically being denied custody in any possible future issues.

To add to it, one of the foster families he was with were senior citizens and couldn't drive. I was forced to drive to the town he was in 60+ miles away, pick him up and bring him to his doctor back by where I lived and worked, and then drive him back. That's 240+ miles. If I couldn't do it for whatever reason, I was branded a deadbeat dad in the next court appearance. This included not being able to take time off of work, when I finally did find it, not being able to afford the gas money when I was out of work or being too sick to stand up, let alone drive.

I practically killed myself trying to do everything I could to get him back and I was treated no differently than a real deadbeat that does nothing for their kids. All because I'm a man.

*EDIT*
I forgot to add one other major important factor.
I was not on the birth certificate and paternity hadn't even been proven when all of this went down. I was lumped into a fight and thrown into a hole I quite possibly shouldn't have even been involved in. She said I was the father, so the state filed charges against me. While paternity was proven eventually (It was questioned because I physically caught her cheating on me when she was 3-4 months pregnant), they took her word over mine and didn't even care about proof of paternity.

[TheHuckster]

crashhelmet, your awful story is definitely not isolated. I've read many other similar stories of fathers who do everything they can for their child and still get thrown under the bus and unfairly cast into the same bucket with the truly deadbeat fathers. I really hope things get better for you.

[Lace Neil Singer]

It took my friend a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get custody of his kids; even tho all three (eldest seventeen, youngest ten) told the people in charge that their mother beat them, it still took ages for the courts to grant my friend sole custody. -.- They figured that a psychotic woman who was cowardly enough to beat up a ten year old deserved visitation rights. Honestly, my friend's kids were begging not to have to go visit her, cuz they knew she'd just go nuts. Something really needs fixing in these cases; the courts need to get it thru their heads that not all fathers are abusers or deadbeats and not all mothers are perfect angels.

[boringscreenname]

My husband has a 10 year old son from his first marriage, who he doesn't have custody of and who was placed for adoption.

*Backstory*
My husband was married once before he met me. He was very young and immature at the time. So he gets married to this woman I'll call A, and shortly after they have a son I'll call S. My husband was young and stupid at the time and quickly got mixed up in the wrong crowd and was sent to prison for 3 years.

While he was in prison A started neglecting S, and CPS was called in twice. On the second visit they put S in foster care. Meanwhile A was out screwing around on my husband and became pregnant with another man's child. She neglected to tell my husband all of this, and didn't until her mother forced her to write him a letter.

So for whatever reason A couldn't pull her shit together enough to get custody back of S, so he remained in foster care while my husband was in prison. By the time my husband was released from prison the state was pushing to have his parental rights terminated and letting the foster couple adopt S. They didn't charge my husband with anything, but they did ask if he'd sign paperwork agreeing to the adoption.

My husband wanted to fight it and regain custody of S, but ultimately decided against it. My husband went to prison when S was 1, and when he got out S was 4. So really S wouldn't have known or recognized my husband as his father, plus we didn't have the resources to pursue custody and my husband realized that S was better off being adopted by his foster parents since he'd been exclusively in their care, plus he has a multitude of special needs that his foster parents were better equipped to deal with than us.

So he agreed to the adoption on the condition that it was an open adoption and that he'd be allowed to have contact and visits with S. His foster parents agreed and the adoption went through. We've visited them since then, are friends on facebook and exchange pictures (We have 3 kids of our own).

The adoptive parents have cut all ties with A, after the adoption was finalized she started following them around, stalking them, acting unstable and acted upset when S no longer referred to her as mom. She wound up having another son, whom she also lost custody of and was adopted by a different foster family. Her family is so upset about her parenting abilities and worried about her getting pregnant again that they've offered to pay for her sterilization, but as far as we know she's refused and to our knowledge she hasn't had anymore kids but we don't keep in contact with her.

[bara]

The Borg Sphere call center I worked at was notorious for not making payments to Child Support as they were supposed to through payroll deduction. Often guys wouldn't get notified until they were about 3 months behind. They had no clue since the money was being withheld from their checks.
A couple actually ended up with their licences suspended because of it. One of those two could no longer get to work and ended up getting fired. He lived 60 minutes away on a good day. Last I heard, he had a lawsuit against them (lawyer took it pro-bono), I hope he sues the pants off them.

[Sableonblonde]

I put a lot of the responsibility on the woman. In my day I had a thing for bad boys. I liked getting involved with them but I never for a second would have deluded myself that they'd make good fathers. I never would have had a child with any of them. Too many women think men will "change" once they find out they are going to have a baby.

[bara]

Too many women think men will "change" once they find out they are going to have a baby.

I agree completely, a guy where I am working now has several kids from several different girls. He recently had another and plans on marrying her in a few weeks.

Cons for this guy-
Has at least 6 kids and a possible two more.
Pays support on 4.
Just had another one.
Is behind on support (he says its not his fault).
Did not tell current girl he had kids prior to getting her pregnant.
Is a thief. Only avoided serious charges because he turned in his accomplices. He got a mild trespassing charge, was stealing copper).
Has not told child support people he has two jobs. (He only works at the place I work on the weekends and has called off numerous times over the summer which is why he is behind on payments. You cant possibly be supporting 4 kids with less than 8 hours a week.

Personally, I give the marriage less than a year before he is cheating on her assuming he isn't already.