"You won't let anybody help you"

[Jaden]

Somebody actually told me this today. They have it backwards - I'll let literally anybody help me.

I don't know how much longer I can keep hold of my sanity. I was talking to a friend about this today. I go to sleep at night, have troubled dreams, wake up the next day, waste my time or go to work, then come home and do it again. Nobody would care if I would die tomorrow. A few people would be upset for a few days, maybe a week or two. But it wouldn't really matter to anybody overall. That's terrifying. I cannot rationalize a reason to wake up tomorrow. That's scares me to the core.

All I ever wanted was to be important to somebody. Loved and needed. I never wanted money, no more than enough to live reasonably. I never wanted power or fame. All I wanted was to be important to somebody. But that's something I could never hold on to, and so the rest never mattered to me either. Why did I give a fuck if I got a good education or got a good job if nobody cared about me? And that's a large part of the reason I had to drop out of school due to lack of motivation.

And I told her this, and all she could say was "We've talked about this before. You won't let anybody help you, so I don't know what to say."

I won't let anybody help me?! I've tried everything. I've tried medication and therapy. I'll try anything. I'm practically begging for help, shamelessly. I'm calling for help from the mountaintops. If you have a pulse, you are qualified to help me, as far as I'm concerned. Jesus, how can I be so misunderstood over something that seems so simple and so obvious to me?

[crashhelmet]

I'm going to ask a question that will probably offend you, but it needs to be asked.

Are you looking for help or are you looking for someone to fix you/your problem(s)?

Only you can fix your problem(s). No person, no drug, no drink, no status, no thing can fix you except for you.

My little sister is like this. She thinks everyone hates her and is out to watch her suffer. She asks for help, but then expects people to do it for her. She'd play stupid until you get so frustrated that you either break out into a fight or do for her whatever it is she's asking for help. it's gotten to the point that, like your friend, I just don't know what to say anymore.

I'll ask a few more questions.

How can you expect anyone to care about you if you don't care about yourself? How can you expect anyone to love you if you don't love yourself?

A quote from a friend of mine:
Dream on This: "To be truly lonely, that means you don't enjoy your own company. If that's the case, why would anyone else?" - Mika Tan

[Jaden]

I'm going to ask a question that will probably offend you, but it needs to be asked.

Are you looking for help or are you looking for someone to fix you/your problem(s)?

[...]

I'll ask a few more questions.

How can you expect anyone to care about you if you don't care about yourself? How can you expect anyone to love you if you don't love yourself?

It doesn't offend me. It's a fair question. I just want somebody to get me set going the right way to help myself, and stay with me on the way. I'd love to be self-reliant and not feel so codependent all the time, but I can't bring myself to care about myself at this time. And I've heard that before, and it's probably true - how can I expect somebody else to care about me when I don't care about myself? And that's probably true...but I don't know how to care about myself without somebody else caring about me? It's a cycle that I don't know how to fix.

I've tried healthy and unhealthy ways of coping and healing. Therapy, medication, binge drinking, whatever. There's just this big gaping hole that I don't know how to fill. I need help figuring out how to fill it so I can stop feeling like half a man and half a heart, so that I can find some purpose in my life.

[BlaqueKatt]

Nobody would care if I would die tomorrow. A few people would be upset for a few days, maybe a week or two. But it wouldn't really matter to anybody overall. That's terrifying.

FYI-you're not alone in feeling like that

All I ever wanted was to be important to somebody. Loved and needed. I never wanted money, no more than enough to live reasonably. I never wanted power or fame. All I wanted was to be important to somebody. But that's something I could never hold on to

I'm important to....my cats, that's it, they love me, and because they're older and have health issues, no one else wants them, so me and my cats have each other, they get spoiled rotten, and I get a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

[crashhelmet]

I would recommend taking a look at yourself from the outside. Take all of your insecurities, all of your self-deprecating opinions of yourself, and everything you wish you could improve about yourself and write them down on a list.

Use that list to be what drives you. Cross things off the list as they're either "fixed" or accepted, depending on what they are and how possible it is to change them.

The cold, hard, unrelenting truth that we all have to understand is that we don't always get what we want.

Too many people look out at the "lucky" people in the world, let envy and jealousy takes over, and then lose sight of that truth.

Some of us are lucky enough to have opportunity knock on our doors and jump in our laps. Sometimes we need to chase down opportunity, tackle it, and mount it on our wall.

If you were a hunter, you'd starve to death before an animal presented itself for you to kill and eat.

You need to fill that hole with you. Not another person nor another substance. You need to find out what fills that hole and then go out and work until it's filled. Don't ever give up, don't ever tell yourself that you can't do it. Work at it until it's done, correcting your mistakes along the way.

[siead_lietrathua]

agreed with crash's idea above of listing faults and going over them. figure out which ones are real, and which ones are the byproduct of your depression.
i would also reccomend making a list of your good qualities as well. even the little things like "makes epic sandwiches". if you can't think of anything in your currrent mind-space, ask the people in your life what one trait they like about you is.
condense the lists into one sheet, point form, after eliminating duplicates and taking out the distorted thinking from your depression. keep that list somewhere handy when needing a reality check.

as for dealing with the not wanting to wake up, that's something i can definatly empathize with. what i find helps on the bad-er days, is recalling all of the obligations that require me getting up. "ugh well if i don't go to work, that will screw them over. and i gotta pay rent on time or the landlord will be inconvenienced. those dishes also won't do themselves.. sigh.. better get up."
sounds stupid, but it works for me. might help you too.

crash mentions filling the holes in yourself. while i agree it's something that can be fixed over time, i also want to mention that you will probably never go back to the "way you were before". acknowledging that your sense of self is a little messed up, and that it's ok to be messed up, will help a lot.
a bit issue with depression is the isolation, that noone knows what you are going through. but everyone has holes and damage, of varying sizes. everyone is a "little messed up". take some comfort in, no matter how much your depression is messing with your mind-space, you aren't actually alone.

and have patience with your friends that you are soundboarding off of. it takes a lot of energy to be a soundboard, expecially to those with depression. they will get exsasperated with you, it's human nature. i would reccomend instead of asking them to help you as in individual for you to lean on, which will stress them out over time, ask them to help you find local community services instead. issues meeting people? have them help you with finding social clubs you would find interesting, etc. they can help you find counciling services, food banks if you're struggling, etc.
continuing to lean on your friends on a purely emotional basis instead of asking for a help they can actually provide, will just frustrate them in the long run.

that got way longer than i intended.. sorry. lol.

[blas87]

You are not alone, not by a long shot.

[Aethian]

I have a friend I have said this too. She got mad at me and hasn't talked to me in a long time. But when she would complain she had no money and could barly afford food I would bring up the new dog outfit or new toy she just got. When she brought up how awful her patents were I would point out where she herself had pushed away help to achieve something because "what good would it do?"

After a long while of getting asked advice and then saying the advice wouldn't work I stopped giving it. Then I was being yelled at for not helping or that I could never understand. It never seemed to occur to her that I was tired of being used as a punching bag.

So before thinking your friend was mean, look back and see if you did push away help when it was offered. The help might still be there but you may have to apologize to be able to use it. And apologizing for being blind to the help is not an admittance to being dumb...all it means it that your pain blinded you.

[crashhelmet]

Siead is right and I'm sorry I forgot to add it. Make a list of your great qualities as well. Remember that there are great things about you and there are reasons why you could and would be important to people.

[Jaden]

I have a friend I have said this too. She got mad at me and hasn't talked to me in a long time. But when she would complain she had no money and could barly afford food I would bring up the new dog outfit or new toy she just got. When she brought up how awful her patents were I would point out where she herself had pushed away help to achieve something because "what good would it do?"

After a long while of getting asked advice and then saying the advice wouldn't work I stopped giving it. Then I was being yelled at for not helping or that I could never understand. It never seemed to occur to her that I was tired of being used as a punching bag.

So before thinking your friend was mean, look back and see if you did push away help when it was offered. The help might still be there but you may have to apologize to be able to use it. And apologizing for being blind to the help is not an admittance to being dumb...all it means it that your pain blinded you.

I don't think my friend was mean. I think that she doesn't understand, because she can't understand, because it's like I'm speaking a foreign language to her.

The help she provides is to tell me to learn to pick myself up and move on and deal with things. I don't know how to do that. My brain can't even process such a suggestion. I want to. I desperately want to be able to live my life without feeling so, well, desperate all the time. But I don't know how. I don't know what to do, what path to take. I try any suggestions given to me. But "just get over it" isn't a suggestion, and it's what I typically get from people who don't also suffer from a similar mental illness.

People keep telling me that it's my problem and that only I can solve it for myself. Fine. But I can't do it alone. I just don't have the knowledge, the willpower, the clarity, or anything of the sort. And if it is just something I have to deal with solely on my own, then I honestly fear for my well being.

As for crash and siead, I've taken your suggestions to heart, and will try it as soon as I can think of a person in my life who knows me or cares about me enough to be able to point at something good about me.

[AdminAssistant]

Go. to. a. psychiatrist.

You need help. You may need meds. You've done it before? Well, do it again. It may take going to a different person or trying a different medication. I've been dealing with this with my husband. He was having panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, severe depression, you name it. He got an appointment with a therapist and then a psychiatrist. He's started Prozac, but may have to switch to something else. It takes time and patience. And you do have to want to get better.

Your friends mean well but trust me when I say they don't understand. It's so frustrating watching my husband deal with this when there is practically nothing I can do. I can listen, I can hold his hand, I can support him, but I can't battle those mental demons for him. All I can do is watch and hope for a good day. It's frustrating. It's maddening. It drives me to the very end of my patience to tell him how much I love him and how great he is and then for him to throw a fit saying that he's a failure and I don't deserve him and he just sucks. I spend hours building him up, just so he can tear himself down. It's painful to watch.

His therapist can help him. She's got the experience and can give him a place to get out the things that he won't or can't tell me. She's saved our marriage. If he hadn't got help on the day that he did...I don't know. There's only so much a person can give.

So, get some help. "But I don't des-" Stop. GET. HELP. No excuses, no maybes, no "nobody cares about me" BULLSHIT. There are dozens of hotlines for people to talk to. You don't have to be having a suicidal moment - you can just call and talk to someone who's impartial. I'm sure your area has mental health services. It can take time to get that started (it took Hubby 3 weeks to see an actual psych who could prescribe meds), so the sooner the better.

Wake up and save your own life. Don't do it for your friends or your family. Do it for you and for your own future. And you do have a future, if you choose to have one.

[MrsEclipse]

Re: see a psychiatrist
And don't be discouraged if it takes so long, or that you may need to see several different psychiatrists or try many different medications without seeing a difference. I spent my whole childhood seeing different doctors and trying all kinds of medications with results ranging from total disaster to awesome on toast. And you know how when you're a kid, a year is like a decade, so believe me when I say I know how long it can feel when the treatment isn't working.


It's true: You can't pick yourself up and move on with it because you are not physically capable of it. It's like a big truck ran over your leg and you just dragged yourself home and now it seems like everyone is telling you, well, just walk on the leg. It's still attached, isn't it? But no amount of willpower is going to fix the leg. You need to go to a hospital where a trained professional will do doctor things. Maybe he can fix it up. Maybe it has to be amputated and a really cool metal one put in its place. But the doctor knows what to do. And someday, a with a lot of work and patience, you'll walk again.

You can't do it yourself, and even the best support network of friends and family and what all won't fix it. You need someone who's trained in the repairing of metaphorical legs.

Anyway, that's my advice. Take what you will, but remember advice is free; making use of it costs much more.