"I am in need of space."

[Nekojin]

I have never understood why the line “lets just be friends” is so offensive to guys. * What do you want the person to do? Tell you to piss off? Your not worth their time you piece of junk while stomping on the homemade valentine you made for her? At least then you would have a legitimate complaint about how they broke up with you and broke your heart.

Maybe its just me, but I’ve never understood why being just friends is so hard. And I do understand that if you have gone out it does change the dynamic to the relationship if one half doesn’t want to get anymore romantically involved, but one doesn’t have to completely forgo a relationship as a friend.

About the only time I’ve gotten any feedback from a guy on this was basically him telling me woman who said “they just want to be friends” weren’t interested in furthering the romantic part of the relation ship so he didn’t want to hang out with them anymore. I cant help but think if all your looking for is "romance" and not a friendship, your not looking for a relationship, your looking for a whore.

Am I misreading this or is this commonplace? Could some of the guys give me their reasoning for hating the line, because I just don’t get it.

Just to be clear, it's not just a "guy thing," it's a societal thing. Many men can't abide the idea of having female buddies. Women (of a comparable age) are either people to have sex with, or people to ignore.

Like I said, it's not just men who have this attitude. Many women get bent out of shape at the idea of their boyfriend/fiancee/husband having a female who is close enough to be in the "buddy" range, as though that person is automatically sexual competition, even if the man is mature enough to handle having a female buddy.

And, like I said, it's a societal issue. The entire world divides things into "guy things" and "girl things," and great derision and scorn is heaped on people who cross the line to take an interest in things that are supposed to be for the other gender. We want to socialize with the people who share an interest in the things we like, but we generally push away people of the opposite gender from doing those things.

It's all fucked up. And it's hard to really put blame on the people who behave in the way that society's programmed us.

[Rapscallion]

For those outraged at the list of petty items, I say you should rejoice!

Anyone following that list has removed themselves from the dating pool for you! Never more shall you wonder if that person is more that just a pretty face - you can tell from their 'list' that they are doomed to never reproduce and will end up in a nursing home smelling of their own urine and loneliness.

Rapscallion

[siead_lietrathua]

my two cents on the why "lets be friends" can be bad for the breakup-ee to hear:
it's because they were broken up with!
they've been told, one way or another, that they are not good enough to be a partner. the "lets be friends" can be an insult. if one person was emotionally invested in a relationship as a romantic one, then to be handed a consolation prize of friendship, they have every right to say "fuck that" because it isn't what they want. it isn't wrong to not want to be friends with an ex.
a funny yet inappropriate comparison i've hear once. "hearing your girlfriend say 'lets just be friends' is like your parents saying 'your dog is dead, but you can still keep it'"
it's why it's a line i haven't and will not use. let's be friends is a cop-out. if you don't wanna be with someone be honest about it.

to the "i need space" (almost wrote spice, damn dune): that one can be legit if being used properly. sometimes a person does need a day or two of "me time" to get their head in order if they are having problems with something. however using the line does depend on how you communicate before and after it. just an "i need space" is confusing bullshit. but an "i'm having a personal issue, and need some space to deal with it" as well as some kind of update now and then to your state of being would be less likely to worry a partner.
though if a person needs space to go and bang around with randoms... be decent and just break up. easier to break up, then try to get back together later than to go banging about on a "space" break when your partner may perceive that as cheating.

to the being friends with opposite-gender in general: i've never understood that. it's like saying lesbians can't be friends without fucking, or gay men can't be friends without fucking. it's stupid. sexual chemistry has to be present. i have probably a 80/20 ratio of friends, majority male, and we get along fantastic because there is no sexual attraction. and if there was? well we're adults enough to talk about it.

[telecom_goddess]

For those outraged at the list of petty items, I say you should rejoice!

Anyone following that list has removed themselves from the dating pool for you! Never more shall you wonder if that person is more that just a pretty face - you can tell from their 'list' that they are doomed to never reproduce and will end up in a nursing home smelling of their own urine and loneliness.

Rapscallion

*clap clap clap clap* Well said.

[Ginger Tea]

I prefer the term Manbag myself and you know who has one?
Indiana Jones.

Wallet chain, hell the amount of times I've left my wallet at the bar only for it to hit the back of my legs as I head back to my table ...

You could get 1,000 eligible batchelors in the list womans age range of choice, play the stand up sit down game (from So Graham Norton) and she can then vet the 3 that are left still standing.

[guywithashovel]

About the "just be friends" thing . . .

I almost don't like to make analogies because, with enough mental gymnastics, it's easy to make small distinctions with even good analogies, but I'll use one here. Imagine that you're very hungry, starving even, and someone presents you with a whole plateful of some kind of meal that you really love. Then that person tells you that you can't eat that meal. You can look at it. You can smell it. But you can't eat it. Honestly, I think that's how most people feel in this situation.

However, if we're going to be practical about a matter of the heart (which is hard for many people to do), if both parties aren't interested in moving forward romantically, it really can't happen. Honestly, though, I think the suggestion that you "just be friends" is quite unrealistic (most of the time, anyway). If I'm romantically attracted to you, it's going to be hard to be just friends. It would mean that I have to hang out with you, knowing that I can never hug you, kiss you, do other things with you, etc. Even worse, if you do meet someone else that you decide is good enough for you, I have to listen to you talk about your budding relationship with that person. I have to see you two together. I have to see you two exchanges kisses and hugging each other. Heck, I might even get dragged along and asked to help you pick out a Christmas or birthday gift for him.

So, you see why I don't want to be "just friends?" If you're not interested, just tear the band-aid off and be done with it. Sure, that'll still suck. But just breaking it off completely is like getting a paper cut. Sure, it hurts at the time, but it'll heal fairly quickly and I can move on. "Just friends" would be like a nauseous feeling in my stomach that never goes away.

[Andara Bledin]

I, as a person who can be "just friends" with people I'm also romantically and/or sexually interested in, have never really understood why other people can't do the same.

I strongly suspect that those of you on the other side, who cannot handle being "just friends" with people you want to be more with feel the same about people like me.

However, regardless of the aftermath, if there comes a situation where only one person is interested in continuing a relationship, it is in the best interests of the other party to respect that decision and move on.

However, the person doing the breaking up should tell the truth about why. Whether they're just not into them or they've found someone else they like better, or whatever it might happen to be. No bullshit lies just to cover their own discomfort.

^-.-^

[HYHYBT]

it isn't wrong to not want to be friends with an ex.

Nobody said it *is* wrong not to want to be friends. What's wrong is acting like it's totally unreasonable/evil/rude/whatever that the other person dared to suggest the idea.

[kamn]

Maybe its just me, but I hug with my female friends. I am not romantically interested in all but 1 of those, and she knows it. I have no trouble listening to her whine about her boyfriend once a blue moon, and give advice (genuine advice, not making them break up, he's an OK dude), if she does the same about my problems. I cannot imagine dating someone I could never be friends with. In fact, one of my very few rules, I will not be in a relationship with anyone that I cannot be friends with first. So this entire "Let's be friends" complication is alien to me. The analogy given here is a bit of an eye-opener (reminder, really, heard something similar with a job analogy), even if I tend to disagree with many of its points.

I think that many forget that if you want to stay friends, you have to behave as friends. Sure, listening to someone whine about their bf/gf can get tiresome, but I see no distinction if it was my/your ex thats doing the whining or your best mate. And any random hugs (from me at least) aren't meant as "lets screw!", merely a friendly hug.
I will however agree that its somewhat insulting to make th suggestion just as you break up. Part of breaking up is being apart, complete isolation from each other, and then continue or salvage what you can. If its determined by any one party that he/she cannot be just a friend, you say your goodbyes, get the stuff back/divided and move on...

[Mr Hero]

My issue with the "just friends" line is that I view it as insincere. I get the sense that 90% of the time I've heard this line, they don't really mean it. I can count on one hand how often me and the girl I liked actually stayed friends. I value those friendships, but those are rare.

In my earlier example, the same girl who gave me the "just friends" line after asking her to a 2nd date has also been complaining on Facebook every once in a while how she hasn't found anyone. I have never seen her relationship status change, nor seen any mention of a guy.