feeling like a balloon (ranty)

[crashhelmet]

What is your daily schedule in relation to your meals?

What time do you wake up, eat breakfast, lunch, dinner, and then goto bed?

Where do you fit your exercise regimen in all of that?

[fireheart17]

So it's now getting to the point where I don't even look in mirrors.

All I see when I look at myself is this horrible balloon of flesh. All ugly and horrible. One who is slowly losing any evidence of a female figure.
One who's thighs rub together. One who has a giant flabby belly. One with boobs that look horrible.
One who's back curves making that flabby belly look even more prominent. Even when dressed to hide those flaws.

[Aethian]

Exactly what I see all the time fireheart.

[Teysa]

*hugs* From what I've read of your posts both here and on CS, you come across as very kind, caring, decent person. That is what makes you attractive. Keep in mind too, that mirrors sometimes exaggerate our flaws or at least make them more noticeable. As for the weight, you will lose it eventually. One thing that helped both my mother and myself and it may help you too, is forgiving those who have wronged you and letting go of the anger and bitterness. And no, forgiving does not mean you condone their actions it just means you no longer let them control your happiness. If nothing else, it will help with the 'oh that makes me so mad! *munch* *munch* *munch* eating.'

Just remember you have people who care about you, *hugs* again.

[fireheart17]

So now I can't sleep. It's constantly got me worried. If I go to hospital, they'll shove me onto an antipsychotic which will make me balloon even further because they won't recognise the actual problem, if there is one. Any antidepressant will make me balloon further and it'll just undo any of the work I've done. People say that things take time for the results, but to ,e, it just means that it'll only slow the weight issue not reverse it. It won't cure it.

When I am that perfect weight I won't feel judged. I won't end up walking around a mall feeling as though someone's gng to yell out something related to being fat at me. I won't have teary fits over clothes shopping cause ill be in the normal section. I won't end up with this freaking iron deficiency which apparently doesn't have a cause linked to it and I might actually feel sexy in bed.

[Nyoibo]

At this point I'm going to suggest seeing a doctor, it sounds very much like body dysmorphia, the not sleeping and anxiety are only going to exacerbate it all. With a good doctor get a full physical workup to see if there are any physical reasons, if not then look at the psychological causes, a good doctor should work with you to work up a mental health plan if needed.

[fireheart17]

Well a visit to the docs today confirmed one thing: I'm fat and destined to stay that way. No physical problems were cited, hell, my glucose and thyroid levels were in the "normal" range defined by the lab. So in short, I'm a freaking fat blob who just needs to stop eating permanently in order to see any changes.

And when one tries to mention the mental health problems that have cropped up suddenly without any particular trigger (they've just come from nowhere), they're immediately dismissed and ignored. Do I have to do something drastic in order for doctors to stop thinking it's all in my head and that there might just be a biological cause?

[Andara Bledin]

No, you shouldn't and don't need to do something drastic.

However, you do need to see a new doctor and continue to do so until one is willing to listen to you as opposed to just dismissing you.

My mother went through that when she was having breathing problems. Several doctors told her "it's because you're a smoker" before she finally found one whose head wasn't up his ass and who performed the tests and diagnosed her with an infectious case of bronchitis.

[fireheart17]

Well I seem to be getting some help anyway. I spent about 36 hours in the hospital (not eating anything) and having some talks with the psychiatrist. I'm still a bit loopy from the lorazepam.

Short version: referrals to the emergency mental health clinic near home and the eating disorders unit/clinic at the hospital. Until then....I'll be eating the bare minimum I need.

Funnily enough, my basal metabolic rate is somewhere in the 11,000s (could be more or less) and I've been eating much less than that. You would think that there's a loss. Absolutely none.

We're also looking into the possibility of my implanon being taken out and looking at non hormonal alternatives for contraception (so no mirena, nuvaring or patch because they're all hormonal, as well as the pill/mini pill). Most of the weight seems to be on my torso (waist, hips, stomach, bum, thighs) and almost none on my arms and shoulders. I've also noticed that I had a similar feeling to this a couple of months after my first implant.

The other option were looking at is going on Prozac. Apparently it has been used to treat binge eating disorders, body dysmorphic disorder, obesity and depression. As for the anxiety, we are going to look at something else. I'm not sure what.

[Teysa]

One step at a time. You're getting the help you need. Maybe it is something as simple as the implanon making your body act all wonky. The important thing is, you're in the position to find out. Good luck and remember you have people from all over rooting for you.

[fireheart17]

I'm just now paranoid that every drug they put me on is going to make me even fatter. What I've been reading (the actual medical documentation) has been showing that patients gain weight on ALL antidepressants no matter what, so if she was to prescribe them, she'd need to prescribe an appetite suppressant or something to stop the hunger cravings. ANYTHING.

[fireheart17]

So I've been home the last couple of days. Eating barely anything except for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And tonight I regretted it. Fattening chicken pasta bake.

*sigh*

[Andara Bledin]

Starving yourself will not lead you anywhere you want to be.

[crashhelmet]

Starving yourself will only lead to metabolic destruction.

You can go with things like Intermittent Fasting, only allowing yourself to eat in a certain window. It's as simple as never eating before 7am and never after 5pm, or whatever times work for your schedule.

I know this isn't easy. But like Rome, this won't be done in a day.

I sent you a PM offering to help you out. I've spent the last few years working towards being a personal trainer and have been training friends and students. When my company gets bought out in the coming months, I'm going to transition towards being a trainer full time and finally get out of IT. I'm sure we can find something that works for you.

[fireheart17]

So I've been screwing up again and tonight just triggered up a whole new level of panic.

I had the home visit. Prior to that, my thoughts were that "Ok, am I that crazy they needed to progress to home visits?" but no, it was more of a "are you going to kill yourself" thing. I had a followup appointment with the psychiatrist.

THAT did not go well. It really doesn't help when you don't have regular access to a psychiatrist. (I see a psychologist) She suggested an antipsychotic that apparently doesn't result in weight gain but then said that "all medications cause weight gain." I really regretted not bringing in the information I'd found about wellbutrin.

She did agree that there were some symptoms of an eating disorder present, but didn't elaborate further. She did believe that I should follow up with the GP and the clinic at the hospital. She also elaborated a little bit further on where I was coming from vs. where she was coming from. Psych in this case is Asian and she mentioned the tendency for Western women to overeat and have issues with their bodies. She also did tell me not to be so hard on myself about my weight and body.

Now it just came back tonight. What triggered it? Being invited to my cousin's engagement party (I am seriously happy that he finally popped the question to her ). The kicker? It's cocktail dress. (aka semi-formal) I do not have anything that would either a) be flattering or b) pass for cocktail. I managed to find ONE dress that fits so far, but my boobs are so huge and saggy that I'd be practically covering right up so I could wear it!

Despite this, I've somehow apparently lost weight and almost dropped a clothing size. (my boyfriend weighed me out of curiosity, he asked me how much I thought I was, I said 120kg, he told me it was 98kg. Last time I was weighed and told the weight, I was 100kg and then ballooned further)