feeling like a balloon (ranty)

[Sid]

fireheart17, I've been lurking these forums unregistered for ages but I read your thread here and felt compelled to finally register just so I could tell you that this sounds exactly like what my mother went through for over 30 years. It wasn't until her adrenals began to give out in her 50s that the doctors realized that her inability to lose weight, her anxiety, all of it was due to PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), probably secondary to overactive adrenal glands (adrenal hormones, thyroid hormones, and ovarian hormones all affect each other to such extent that figuring out where the imbalance started between the three can be difficult, I've been told). Your implanon that you mentioned could have a lot to do with the issues you've been describing.

It didn't matter what sort of diet Mom ate, what sort of exercise she did, her torso and face stayed round while her arms and legs were much less so, and for 30 years all of her test results showed "in normal range" albeit the high end of "normal." Her adrenals crapping out unmasked the PCOS, and now that she's on medication to correct that, [I]everything[I] has cleared up for her.

I am not a doctor, and I have no idea if that's what's going on with you, but like I said some of what you mentioned really twigged to me and reminded me of what Mom went through, and considering how much this is affecting your life right now, well, I just thought I would mention PCOS.

(Sorry for butting in)

[fireheart17]

Funny you mention PCOS.

I went in the other day to get set up for a care plan (which is mainly focusing on self-care for me in an effort to also keep my depression and anxiety at reasonable levels-this is including a visit to the dietician since food forms a BIG part of it) and I brought up the ultrasound with the doctor. Basically, unlike the last time I had an ultrasound (where they send the pics to the doc and a CD to you), this time they gave me the films and sent a report to the doc.

Short version: uterus is retroverted (unlike last time, they had to go transvaginal because they couldn't see it with the abdominal scanner), no signs of endometriosis (yay!) but I also have lots of little cysts on my ovaries.
I haven't had a history of weird bleeding patterns or the high levels of testosterone to suggest PCOS however. So at the moment, it's a wait and see. I've been told that cysts can occur with the Implanon, but they rarely cause problems.

I do have an appointment with the weight disorder clinic at the hospital and an appointment with the dietician in a few months (this may be brought forward depending on the assessment from the WDC). Strangely enough, everyone has asked me why I'm going to said clinic, since they tend to think it's only for anorexics or bulimics (the thought of puking grosses me out, also I know it's ineffective for weight loss)

[fireheart17]

At this point I'm going to suggest seeing a doctor, it sounds very much like body dysmorphia, the not sleeping and anxiety are only going to exacerbate it all. With a good doctor get a full physical workup to see if there are any physical reasons, if not then look at the psychological causes, a good doctor should work with you to work up a mental health plan if needed.

*bump*

For Body dysmorphia, the defect in question needs to be imagined, not real. Example might be my fingernails. While I am a chronic biter (I tend not to wear nail polish at the moment), someone with body dysmorphia would be seeing splits, cracks and rotting nails that DON'T EXIST. My weight and fat rolls DO exist (I could post a photo but I'd rather not get in trouble...for the record, said photo is neck-down) and they are disfiguring.

I ended up visiting the weight disorder clinic at the hospital today to be evaluated for a possible eating disorder. Clearly not anorexic and I don't meet the bulimic criteria. He suggested EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) meaning that there are patterns for an eating disorder, but it's not enough to meet the criteria for anorexia or bulimia.

What DID come out of it though....social anxiety disorder/social phobia. Which would explain quite a LOT of my symptoms, including the more recent ones.

What's also going to likely make any form of recovery harder....this pattern:

-I end up down in the dumps.
-Someone comes along and gives me a boost of confidence (whether real or not)
-I end up riding on these for a while, thinking that I don't need to worry about my weight or appearance.
-I end up binging.
-I end up even fatter, horrible, ugly.

Alternately:

-I get told that I'm <something I thought I wasn't> (positive!)
-I end up believing them and deluding myself.
-I end up finding the truth out.
-I end up down in the dumps.