Someone's family planning decisions are not a good topic for "small talk"

[Boozy]

A few days ago, I ran into a woman whom I have not seen in three years. We are acquaintances at best. I approached her with a friendly greeting along the lines of "long time, no see".

She turns around and says "Boozy! What's happening here?" And she pokes me in the stomach.

Now, it's been about two years since my husband and I have decided to stop trying for children, and about one year since the topic has stopped weighing heavily on my mind on a daily basis. So I quite honestly had no fucking idea what she was talking about. Was she referring to the minor stomach virus I had last month? How the hell would she know about that?

"What do you mean?", I ask in utter confusion.

She says, "I heard you and your hubby were having some trouble!"

I was stunned that someone would be so crass, so I played dumb. "I have no idea what you mean." Then I told her that it was nice seeing her and walked away.

I fumed about it all the way home. Why would someone think that bringing up someone's reproductive difficulties, or reproductive choices in general, would be an appropriate topic of conversation?

And furthermore, where the hell would she have heard such a thing? I have never been secretive about our inability to conceive, but that doesn't mean that I haven't been discreet. Understandably, most people do not want to hear about what's going on with my reproductive organs. I have shared only with my closest friends and family, and my former boss and one co-worker (as my fertility treatments were affecting my work availability at the time).

(I have shared on a few forums such as these, as I don't find that "over-sharing" on forums makes anyone uncomfortable. If someone doesn't want to respond to something, they can simply ignore the post without anyone being the wiser.)

Anyway, I am now kicking myself for playing dumb, because I am dying to know where this woman heard about this. I am about 90% certain that she heard this from my former BOSS. I never wanted to share this information with my boss, as we were not friends, but I was forced to because I had so many medical appointments during my time in treatment, and I needed time off work. I assumed that this information would be kept in confidence. I may have been wrong.

If I can definitively trace this back to my boss, I think I will file a complaint with my former company's HR department.

[Ladeeda]

She was rude, you blew her off. If your boss was being pushy, should have gotten a note from the doc. She clearly had no reason to keep it secret, likely one reason you didn't want to share. But you did, its out, and gossip is only a crime when it isn't true.

Sucks, but there it is.

[Seshat]

Medical information is confidential. I do consider Boozy to have valid reason to complain to the former company's HR department.


As for the small talk thing ... that was a ghastly act on the woman's part! What if Boozy had had a miscarriage or infant death? Even if not, infertility itself can be a major cause of grief!


Totally thoughtless behaviour on the woman's part.

[Andara Bledin]

Never mind the whole assault bit with the poking in the stomach.

Who the hell thinks that's acceptable?

[Ladeeda]

Medical info is confidential between you and your doctor. When you start telling others, they aren't bound by that confidence.

[Cats]

Medical info is confidential between you and your doctor. When you start telling others, they aren't bound by that confidence.

Random people, I'd agree. With your employer, no...not when the reason for telling is due to need for the time off as a result of a medical issue. Many bosses/HR departments will not simply take a generic "medical reasons" for an excuse to get time needed off. They want to know WHAT that medical reason is in order to grant it.

Was Boozy's boss under a legal obligation to keep it confidential? Maybe not (laws are pretty vague about it). But it was NOT appropriate to share and SHOULD have been keept in confidence. It was revealed for a work-related reason, not generic lunchtime conversation.

[Boozy]

Medical info is confidential between you and your doctor. When you start telling others, they aren't bound by that confidence.

It's fairly common for companies to have policies that require medical information shared between a supervisor and an employee to remain confidential, especially when that information is shared only for purposes of work.

For example, I have an employee at my current company who has shared a great deal of medical information with me, because she requires work restrictions. I am permitted to share this information up the chain of command if required, but I cannot share with her co-workers. All I am permitted to say is "Mary cannot stand for a long period of time, so she will be taking shorter shifts for the next three months."

Now, in this case, "Mary" does not give a shit if her co-workers know about her bad back, so she is open with them about it. However, if she chose not to share with them why she has work restrictions, it is not my place to do so. I could be disciplined or even fired if I shared that information outside of management.

I am almost certain that my previous employer had a similar policy, but it's been a few years since I managed there, so I don't know for sure. Besides, it's common fucking professionalism.

[s_stabeler]

Medical info is confidential between you and your doctor. When you start telling others, they aren't bound by that confidence.

except that Boozy was required to tell her employers. Put it another way. Say Boozy had got pregnant, and for whatever reason, had to have an abortion. Then she had to reveal that to her bosses. The bosses then tell someone from a radical anti-abortion group that harasses Boozy. It is THE SAME THING more or less to share information like this to (apparently) all and sundry.

[bara]

except that Boozy was required to tell her employers. Put it another way. Say Boozy had got pregnant, and for whatever reason, had to have an abortion. Then she had to reveal that to her bosses. The bosses then tell someone from a radical anti-abortion group that harasses Boozy. It is THE SAME THING more or less to share information like this to (apparently) all and sundry.

Pretty much this, some people need to learn to keep their traps shut.

Also... the belly poking thing would have awoken the beast that I normally keep locked up. I do not like to be touched by random people.

[Ree]

Ladeeda, I don't know where you live, but I know Boozy is in Canada, the same province I live in, as a matter of fact, and we have some very strict privacy laws, especially when it comes to an employee/employer discussion about personal medical issues.

It was extremely rude of that woman.
A person's fertility is nobody's business.

(I recall, a few years ago, when our daughter was a couple of years old. With her, I was pregnant within a month of being married, but after that, I had secondary infertility. They were never really able to give me a reason why, other than a lot of complications with the first birth, and subsequent surgeries in that area resulting in possible scar tissue. Anyway, a woman I knew quite well said to me one day, "So, when's the next one going to be? What in the world is the matter with you? She needs a baby brother or sister." I was so hurt and upset. I had always liked the woman, but after that, not so much.)

[blas87]

We're not sure how it happened, but some words got around and one of my brother's ex girlfriend's mom ran into my mom at Wal-Mart, and completely took her for a loop when she said "So I hear you're going to be a grandma soon!"

My mom was just like.......what the.....fucking HELL?!!?!?

[catcul]

Unfortunately, you won't be able to prove that the information came from ex-boss or ex-coworker. I had a former coworker who was telling another coworker about a sexual problem. A THIRD coworker overheard this and told me about it.

Having said that, that woman was out of line when she tried to bring up the fertility problems and poked your belly. Why do many women think it's appropriate to put their hands on other women's bellies?

[Seshat]

If you can pull the appropriate face, I love the response "We just had a miscarriage."


I love the idea of expanding this as follows:

"If you'd heard that, surely you heard about the miscarriage. We had a luau for the wake."

The implication that you had pork at the wake is 'interesting' enough, but you can expand it even more by asking 'innocently'. "Ever tasted long pig?"


... yes, it's a horrible implication. But the asker deserves it.

[hinakiba777]

If she did find out from your former boss, then that is a huge breach in privacy. That is definitely very inappropriate and unprofessional. Though I have to agree it would be a hard thing to actually prove at this point.

The poking in the belly thing was horrible, as well. I mean, it's assault. Personally, I am not good with strangers touching me. I am quite reactionary, so had it happened to me she would have gotten her hand slapped.

Honestly, who goes up to a person and randomly asks them about their reproductive problems? Especially when you heard it from a third party. I mean even if the person had been close enough that you had informed them personally, it's totally inappropriate to bring up in a public setting.

[Boozy]

Quick update for anyone interested: I have not been able to trace the source of this gossip back to my former boss. The simplest solution would be to contact this woman directly and ask her where she heard this, but that ship has sailed. It would have been better to ask on the spot. For example, a bewildered "Where on earth did you hear that???" But I was too shocked to say much of anything at the time. Now, I'm certain that coming back to her and asking where she heard this would strike her as odd, and she'll be less inclined to tell me.

So I'm going to let it go.