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YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. TRAUMATIC SENSITIVE ISSUES
I am a victim of repeated sexual abuses, assaults, and rapes. All done at different times in my life and by different people. From cousins, to friend's brothers, to an irate-ex boyfriend.
I handled most on my own. When the childhood molestation incidents came out, I was put into therapy but didn't feel comfortable enough with the therapists to talk about it. (looking back, I was extremely embarrassed about it all, and I don't speak or open up when that happens, no matter how serious the issue is)
The rape and sexual assaults happened three different times, three different men. Two at 18 (the most violent ones) and one at 21.
Now, I don't use those incidents as something to garner pity. I really don't. I had a decent support system for the most part, even when the law wasn't on my side when I came to it twice. I'm not afraid of intimacies, and aside from being honest about it with my relationship partners, I usually not let it affect my day to day life.
I do see myself a survivor, and that's all that matters.
However, some days, bad memories come up. It isn't often, but during those days I just need to reach out and hug someone while I try to sleep. Last night was one of those nights. My friend who is also someone who experienced sexual assault and who was with me during the violent times had her wounds reopened in a cruel way, and we had to comfort each other. After she calmed down, I stayed awake. I went downstairs and called out to my best friend/roommate who I've been close with for a long while. (like near relationship close) I was admittedly a bit irate but he went up to my room, but my other roommate with him told me to sit down and ask why I was being "too needy" and "too clingy"
I explained why. And he tells me I need to stop letting it control my life.
And how "yes, he can say that" because he is older and knows women who survived worse.
First of all, I never wanted to play perpetual victim. Some days I just have bad days and need someone. Period.
Second, I refused to let it control my life beyond the three months of hell I rushed myself into after I was 18 and the two violent ones happened. Those messed me up the most, and its still the ones I have nightmares about. Rare, but it happens. But I had, for the most part, moved on. I don't spend daily sorrows comparing it to what happened.
Third. I don't care who you know who went through what. We ALL experience this differently. We ALL handle it differently.
Just cause I need someone once in awhile doesn't mean it controls my life. And I don't care, but you're not me. You DON'T get to have a say on how I will handle it in the end.
I never even told my best friend why I needed that hug, and he knows everything that ever went on in my life.
I was pretty upset when I got upstairs.
My roommate also said I couldn't use this to "control" my bestie.
...I feel kind of disgusted now.
I am a victim of repeated sexual abuses, assaults, and rapes. All done at different times in my life and by different people. From cousins, to friend's brothers, to an irate-ex boyfriend.
I handled most on my own. When the childhood molestation incidents came out, I was put into therapy but didn't feel comfortable enough with the therapists to talk about it. (looking back, I was extremely embarrassed about it all, and I don't speak or open up when that happens, no matter how serious the issue is)
The rape and sexual assaults happened three different times, three different men. Two at 18 (the most violent ones) and one at 21.
Now, I don't use those incidents as something to garner pity. I really don't. I had a decent support system for the most part, even when the law wasn't on my side when I came to it twice. I'm not afraid of intimacies, and aside from being honest about it with my relationship partners, I usually not let it affect my day to day life.
I do see myself a survivor, and that's all that matters.
However, some days, bad memories come up. It isn't often, but during those days I just need to reach out and hug someone while I try to sleep. Last night was one of those nights. My friend who is also someone who experienced sexual assault and who was with me during the violent times had her wounds reopened in a cruel way, and we had to comfort each other. After she calmed down, I stayed awake. I went downstairs and called out to my best friend/roommate who I've been close with for a long while. (like near relationship close) I was admittedly a bit irate but he went up to my room, but my other roommate with him told me to sit down and ask why I was being "too needy" and "too clingy"
I explained why. And he tells me I need to stop letting it control my life.
And how "yes, he can say that" because he is older and knows women who survived worse.
First of all, I never wanted to play perpetual victim. Some days I just have bad days and need someone. Period.
Second, I refused to let it control my life beyond the three months of hell I rushed myself into after I was 18 and the two violent ones happened. Those messed me up the most, and its still the ones I have nightmares about. Rare, but it happens. But I had, for the most part, moved on. I don't spend daily sorrows comparing it to what happened.
Third. I don't care who you know who went through what. We ALL experience this differently. We ALL handle it differently.
Just cause I need someone once in awhile doesn't mean it controls my life. And I don't care, but you're not me. You DON'T get to have a say on how I will handle it in the end.
I never even told my best friend why I needed that hug, and he knows everything that ever went on in my life.
I was pretty upset when I got upstairs.
My roommate also said I couldn't use this to "control" my bestie.
...I feel kind of disgusted now.
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