Parents that "Know Who My REAL Friends Are!"

[blas87]

Puhlease.

I suppose I'm better off not ever looking at Facebook.

I'm at that lovely age now where most of the people in my age group have been engaged, are engaged, married and have kids, or something of the like.

And with that, comes the changing into adult session of life where we become similar to our families we grew up with and our values and priorities change. It's natural.

Hell, I'm a very late bloomer in the long term dating pool (meaning I'm still one of those awkard people who haven't had a serious enough relationship to move in with anyone or share anything real special, just failures lol), but I've had priorities change and I've grown up quite a bit throughout my 20s.

I'm just sick and tired of my social circle getting angry and upset at those of us who are still single or without kids, putting us down essentially, pretty much calling us immature and that we have no idea what it's like to have a family or what real priorities are or what's really important.

I'm not a big party girl or drinker anymore, but being as I have the extra income living at home and am still able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, I like to try to get girls' nights or nights where we can watch football or just get a little rowdy. Apparently, me and the rest of us childless or unmarried ones need to "grow up", because we're so immature and we haven't done anything with our lives.

Because I really wanted to still be with my parents at almost 30. Because I really wanted to have never had a serious relationship at almost 30. Are you people fucking kidding me?

Don't get me wrong, everything on my time and how I like it is really nice. I even feel a sense of relief after my niece leaves sometimes because I know I'm not ready for such things, and hearing about some people's relationship problems often times makes me feel grateful that I haven't gotten myself into situations I can't get out of, like sharing a lease or something like that. However, I'm kind of disappointed that I'm still at the point of never being engaged or living with a guy. Don't act like I chose life to be this way. I did waste a lot of time on worthless people, but I've been doing nothing but trying for quite a while to get everything back on track and get what I want.

It's almost like my married/parent friends think that we're staying single and childfree just to spite them or throw something in their face. They get all offended if they are ever invited anywhere (unless of course, THEY think of it) and always have to throw their busy schedule and their kids' needs in our faces, or smear all over Facebook on how they are a wife or parent now, and they have no time for immature things.

And then I see post after post about "I know who my REAL friends are!" and it's like a gaggle of wives and/or moms bitching about those of us who aren't at their point in life yet.

Because life is a competition, you know, and because we're all just here to bring you down because you're so far ahead of us.

[HYHYBT]

I don't get it; how does being a "REAL friend" in any way require having the same current lifestyle?

[blas87]

It doesn't, or rather, it shouldn't.

[Andara Bledin]

Getting married and having kids is not an indication of maturity.

Just as being single, playing games, partying, etc, are not signs of immaturity.

Honestly, people who use just those as criteria are myopic and, quite possibly immature themselves. Particularly the ones who use their parenthood as weapons to demean others. It also speaks of what is most likely discontent and unhappiness - sort of a 'misery loves company' situation.

[AccountingDrone]

What I hate is those men or women who marry someone and immediately force the spouse to get rid of all their old friends [or just the friends of the opposite or whatever sexually attractive gender happens to be] - and then insist that they do everything together, no guys/girls night out type stuff. I lost more gaming buddies to marriage ... as if logging in for a raid one night a week was somehow now evil when they did it before they got married. *sigh*

[KellyHabersham]

What I hate is those men or women who marry someone and immediately force the spouse to get rid of all their old friends [or just the friends of the opposite or whatever sexually attractive gender happens to be] - and then insist that they do everything together, no guys/girls night out type stuff. I lost more gaming buddies to marriage ... as if logging in for a raid one night a week was somehow now evil when they did it before they got married. *sigh*

That's pretty much how my sister feels about our brother's wife.......she's under the impression that "Rachel" pretended to share his interests and then "forced" him to change once they got married. (Which is NOT true, but I could see where my sister was coming from if it was.....not sure if that makes sense)

[BlaqueKatt]

as if logging in for a raid one night a week was somehow now evil when they did it before they got married. *sigh*

Some people thought I was like this with my last husband*.

What they saw was "it's just one night a week, you're a bitch"
What they didn't see was, bowling, going to the bar 3 times a week, playing other games every night and weekend, so no it's not *just one night*, my ex couldn't and wouldn't prioritize ANY time with me, I actually sat down and showed him once, out of all the available time in a week between getting off work and going to bed I got maybe an hour a week, he was with his friends more than he was home, he was actually with his friends MORE than he was at work(and he worked with his friends).

Unless you know the details of someone's personal life(and not just from one party-who may or may not lie to save face, see footnote), it's best not to judge.

*and he was perfectly content to let me take the heat for his lack of organization skills. Because it was easier to accuse the person that couldn't give their side than to admit, "yeah I just don't have the time to do everything I used to AND spend time with my wife" because that would be *unmanly*

So I got thrown under the bus. "she won't let me do x", When in actuality, what I had said "was you can choose 4 nights to do something this week, I get the other 3 because we need to do housework 2 of those days" And he'd used up those 4 days at the bar, so couldn't go out to a LAN party because of his own choices, and I'd be damned if I was cleaning the house AND doing laundry by myself AGAIN.

[Andara Bledin]

I know a guy who was a gamer and geek who married a woman who dictates that he gets 1 event per year to attend instead of the 6-10 he'd been attending prior to the wedding. She doesn't game or do anything even remotely geeky. It makes me wonder what they had in common, other than a desire for lots of kids and ticking biological clocks.

[blas87]

Oh Katt, I'm quite inclined to agree with that, because I know your story pretty well and just about everyone knows what I went through being an afterthought when it came to my failed relationships, yet if anyone on the outside ever asked anything, it was my fault for ever just wanting one date night or one night in. Yes, I had that controlling bitch label slapped on me completely unwarranted by angry single friends of the guys, because I dare wanted to grow up a bit and start having serious relationships and put parties and drinking on the back burner. But it turns out, most of those guys weren't ready to either, or in another instance, they just didn't want a relationship, just female arm candy for a while. Either way, it's quite unfair if you don't know the actual story.

But I can argue the other side of the coin as well, having been on the receiving end of a super insecure, clingy geek type of guy who had no life/love experience and didn't understand that there's more involved in a person's life than just that other person, you can't cut out family and friends just because you have no friends doesn't mean you can expect your partner to live only for you. Not to mention a few she-devils that have messed with my little brother's head and about driven me to some pretty scary thoughts.

If you do know the real story, what really goes on with a couple, observations and feelings are pretty valid, yes.

Now that I'm older and more mature, I have even less tolerance of angry single friends who get mad at a guy for wanting to spend a night in with his girlfriend or take her out to eat and not go out painting the town red, calling him whipped or calling him a husband or cruel "funny" quips, just because they are jealous or angry about a friend taking a new step in life. We are about to the age where we shouldn't be dating just for fun anymore, right?

At the same time, I don't like having it shoved in my face by friends and even family members close to my age. I can take blame in my younger years for my end of failed relationship and wasted time and effort, but not recently, and it's not like I haven't tried to start getting more serious or finding someone to be serious with. I'm not in a hurry because I don't want to make a mistake or have regrets, but I don't like being treated like I'm purposely living the Carrie Bradshaw life and just flaunting my singleness and free time when I really don't.

I guess maybe I'm a hypocrite or conflicted!

[Andara Bledin]

You don't sound like a hypocrite or conflicted to me, Blas.

You sound like you know what direction you want to head and are taking steps to get there and learning from when those steps didn't lead to places you wanted to go.

[siead_lietrathua]

the only thing that matters is following your personal desires, and not just caving to the dictates of society. take time to find out what you want, and more importantly why you want those things. ex: if you only want to have a serious relationship because you feel like you're getting too old for goofing around, then you might want to reevaluate. there is nothing wrong with simply enjoying being single, and there's no age-cap on how long you can stay unhitched. if you really want a serious relationship, it's worth waiting for someone whose shit you can put up with*. it's not worth the drama of settling for the wrong partner and then having to untangle later when the compromises don't work anymore.

i agree with andara. you sound like you know what you want. but you also sound like you're still working out the path to get there. don't feel like you need to rush it.

*household saying. "the trick to a lasting relationship is to find someone whose shit you can put up with, and who will put up with yours"


oh, random sidenote: some of the guys hubs tourneys with are shocked i "allow" him to game, because quite a few of them have had girls that tried to make them stop gaming. and we're not talking 7 nights a week on WOW. it's, like, every other week on a wednesday, if everyone is off work, kinda thing. maybe a couple tourneys or charity events a year.