I love him, I love him....

[AdminAssistant]

I really do. I love my Fiance. He is easily the best thing that has ever happened to me.

(Yes, this is me venting about my SO. If you are uncomfortable with that, I refer you to the Back arrow on your browser.)

But if he doesn't start picking up after himself or helping out around the house, so help me God....

I'm a neat freak. And I know I'm freakish about it. I have eased up and relaxed a bit, but it still drives me crazy! The bathroom has constant puddles of water on the counters and sometimes the floor from him splashing about. Hand towels have to be replaced once (or twice) a day because they wind up soaking wet from me wiping up after him. I've given up on the bathroom mirror ever again being any semblance of clean.

The bedroom? My once quiet and neat sanctuary? Laundry central. Dirty, clean, all mixed together. Plus, he'll put clothes in the dryer, run the dryer, and then...leave them there. Dammit, I need to do *my* laundry, and I don't feel like lugging yours back to the bedroom!!! The bed? The sheets stay nice and tucked in for all of one or two nights. And, no, they aren't getting fussed up the fun way, either. I have practically no room in the closet because he wanted to hang up *all* of his clothes, not just the stuff that was in season and fit. All of my stuff is crammed and I hate that.

The living room is a complete disaster. Part of that is that we recently got a new TV, but there are bags that he *still* hasn't unpacked!! (He moved in early November.) I've asked nicely, I've cajoled, I've threatened, I've begged. He's got a big ass suitcase in there full of books. He keeps telling me that he'll go through it and pick out what he wants to keep and what he wants to sell. Has yet to even think about it. We've got a small place, but it can work just fine for us if he'd put just a little effort into it.

And that's the thing. He wants us to move. Because he wants...a puppy. That's right, Mr. "I promise I'll do it later" wants a G-D dog. Plus, he thinks we need the bigger space (my current apartment is pet-free). Personally, I don't think we need a higher rent. I hit the jackpot with this apartment. It's a quiet four-plex on the edge of the student ghetto. It's very quiet (95% of the time), my landlord is amazing, and it's just very, very nice. I don't want to go through the hassle of moving. We can't afford a higher rent, much less pet deposits and pet rent and dog food and vet bills. He doesn't understand that, though. He does have issues with anxiety and depression (he's seeing a psych), and he honestly thinks that a dog would help. Maybe, but, We. Can't. Afford. It. I'm not going to be one of those people who has to decide between food for me and food for the dog.

Besides, I have a very large, extensive, expensive collection of books that I need for research. If we moved and got the dog, I would have to have a large "dog-free" space to work in. Then there's the fact that he works 9 hour days. Most of my work is done at home. So guess who's going to wind up walking the dog when it's 0F or 101F? Who's going to have to take it to the vet? Me. I know that I'll end up doing the brunt of the work, so that he can come home to a cute little puppy.

Please, don't get me wrong. I do love my Fiance. I even love dogs, but I know that I can't be the primary careperson for one right now. But I'm just so frustrated right now. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't respect me. He'll call me on the way to work and just bitch, bitch, bitch about his job, how stupid they all are, how much he hates his commute, and how much better his job back in Little Rock was. And that *hurts*. It makes me feel so guilty for pulling him up here away from his job and his family because I still have a few years of school left. I've told him that. But I know that as soon as he gets off work, he'll call me to vent for the entire 45 minute drive, as if I don't have anything else to do but listen to him talk. (FTR, his boss does have his head up his ass in a rather spectacular way, but who doesn't have to deal with BS at work?)

*sigh* I just needed to get that off my chest.

[telecom_goddess]

I hear ya on the neat freak front...my bf could care less if rooms are clean or not. I have standards that I want kept, which means that I end up doing the maintenance to keep my house clean and clutter free. If I find his clothes in a pile on the floor, in the laundry basket they go! If he has stuff in the pockets that he wanted to save, tough shit.

But yeah I'm forever picking up his dirty laundry, dirty dishes, following him in the kitchen and actually cleaning it, picking up garbage etc.

I can't stand dirt and clutter...just can't do it.

[anakhouri]

My husband is the same way. We still have boxes from when we moved (in JULY!), that he keeps promising to go through....a few days ago I got sick of them cluttering up the basement and dragged them all to the garage. He hasn't even noticed they're gone yet!

I found a way to compromise. The bedroom is a cluttered mess (luckily he is just cluttered, not leaving dirty dishes or anything under the bed), but I keep the rest of the house neat, or as neat as as I can with a toddler. I figure when company comes we'd close the bedroom door anyway, so I can live with a cluttered bedroom and a cluttered garage as long as he leaves the clutter in those two places. It's harder if you have an apartment though.

For a long time, he left his dinner dishes on the counter...directly above the dishwasher. Finally I started watching, and every single night reminded him to put them in the dishwasher. Finally he started doing it on his own. It's like training a dog.

As for the complaining, would he flip out if you told him it's dangerous to be on the phone while driving and you can talk when he gets home? Or that you have stuff to do and you'll be happy to listen to him later?

[AdminAssistant]

As for the complaining, would he flip out if you told him it's dangerous to be on the phone while driving and you can talk when he gets home? Or that you have stuff to do and you'll be happy to listen to him later?

I don't think he would "flip out" but he might do the pouty face, "Oh, I'm bothering you...I guess..." thing. And no, I don't like the fact that he's on the cell phone and driving, especially with some of the traffic that he goes through. But if he's not talking to me, he'll call his mom or his brother or whoever. He hates that commute and wants a distraction. (Personally, I love to drive.)

He actually will do some cleaning, sometimes. I usually cook*, so he does the dishes. But I can't be in the room. He feels like I'm looking over his shoulder, so he usually only does stuff like that when I'm not in the room or not at home.

*I was sick a few weeks ago, so he did the cooking for a few days. And by "cooking" I mean picking up fast food. Blarg.

I forgot to list one other thing...He's not paying 50% of the bills. He does pay 50% of the rent, but he doesn't have enough to pay 50% of everything. He's got a bit of debt, largely from impulse computer purchases. But a good part of that is my engagement ring so...I try not to complain. I'm generally okay with this, but sometimes.... He did his taxes last night, and he's going to get a nice little refund. Instead of putting that money towards his bills, he's pricing out PS3s. It's obviously his money, but c'mon!! We just got a nice, new TV to replace the 18 year old one we were using. I think we can wait a few months for the Blu-ray player. Besides I have a Wii, which I think is a great game system, but he doesn't like it, doesn't like the games they carry, blah blah blah.

I am going to have to talk to him about some of this, but I just worry about being a nag. Mom was a nag, and I saw how that really drove a wedge between my parents (Dad's drinking didn't help matters, but still). I don't want to be like that! But I don't think taking out the trash occasionally is too much to ask.

[anakhouri]

You totally need to work out the financial stuff before you get married. I think most broken marriages are due to different views on money. Do you have a joint savings account yet? If you do, maybe you can ask him to compromise and put part of the refund in the savings and keep part for fun stuff. Everyone says marriage is alllllllll about compromise, but really, it is.

My stepdad finally learned to cook this past autumn after my mom broke her wrist...he's only 57. : ) He finally realized that they would both starve if he didn't figure out which buttons made the stove go.

[Peppergirl]

I. But I know that as soon as he gets off work, he'll call me to vent for the entire 45 minute drive, as if I don't have anything else to do but listen to him talk.

*sigh* I just needed to get that off my chest.

I completely understand this part.

Here's a tip that's worked for me and at first he got a little pouty (like you referenced below), but eventually he learned that it was my only way of dealing with his ranting in a constructive way. He now laughs it off.


What I do is, I let him go for a couple of mins. Then if he begins working himself into a real lather, I sharply say 'honey, condense!" or "Honey, ranting!".

It works.

Like I said he used to get kinda pouty when I did it at first, but now he sees the humor in it and does it much less often.

I love him dearly too, but I eventually had to come up with a game plan to deal with this aspect of our relationship as well. Hopefully it would work for you...maybe worth a try?

[BlaqueKatt]

And that's the thing. He wants us to move. Because he wants...a puppy. That's right, Mr. "I promise I'll do it later" wants a G-D dog. We can't afford a higher rent, much less pet deposits and pet rent and dog food and vet bills. He doesn't understand that, though. <snip> and he honestly thinks that a dog would help.

easiest way to MAKE him understand-

Price out the extra rent, food, vet bills, and(this is the IMPORTANT part) doggy day care for a month. tell him if he wants a dog HE has to be able to afford all that in addition to half the rent, as it's HIS dog, he wants it he pays for it/cares for it(including for the 9 hours he's not at home-you aren't always going to be able to be home 24/7). As far as the doggy day care, if he balks, explain that you are working, and do not have time to tend to an animal, your work will suffer and you could lose your job/ability to work from home. Seeing it in black and white can sometimes make people understand better than abstract "we can't afford it", you'd be showing him how expensive it really is, vs. what he thinks it would be. IT also shows that you have put time and thought into it rather than (what he may think), just dismissing it as "it's too expensive"

My cats run well over $100 a month just in food and litter alone...and thankfully we don't pay extra rent/deposit for cats.

[blas87]

Admin, you are not alone in the way you feel!

Other than the obvious reasons (privacy, my neighbors, the fact that he doesn't like it here), my bf never stays at my place unless absolutely necessary because he is such a slob. He's gotten toothpaste and mouthwash all over my sink and he rips and tears the bed apart by just getting into it and after he eats, he just leaves the plate and stuff sit there!

He's ADHD, I think this explains why he rants and goes on and on the way he does, but sometimes I barely have 5 minutes to talk, I have to go to work soon, and he wants to babble on for an hour about his crazy brother or his awful mother. I feel for him, but I can't listen to him do that all night.

[AdminAssistant]

What I do is, I let him go for a couple of mins. Then if he begins working himself into a real lather, I sharply say 'honey, condense!" or "Honey, ranting!".

LOL, I did something similar to that tonight. He was trying to tell me a story about work, and he was distracting himself by yelling at the other cars on the road. Then he'd have to re-start the story. Finally, I said, "Honey, FOCUS!!"

Honestly, now I feel a bit bad. While we were talking, and before I said anything, he said that he wanted to use 2/3 of his refund to put in a savings account for our wedding. He just wanted to keep a little to go do something nice. This was after he sang an impromptu song about how much he loved me.

Is it any wonder I keep him around??

[Mytical]

The ones who can drive us the craziest are usually the ones we care the most about.

[Ladeeda]

LOL, I did something similar to that tonight. He was trying to tell me a story about work, and he was distracting himself by yelling at the other cars on the road. Then he'd have to re-start the story. Finally, I said, "Honey, FOCUS!!"

Honestly, now I feel a bit bad. While we were talking, and before I said anything, he said that he wanted to use 2/3 of his refund to put in a savings account for our wedding. He just wanted to keep a little to go do something nice. This was after he sang an impromptu song about how much he loved me.

Is it any wonder I keep him around??

Okay, but is he actually GOING to put 2/3 into a savings account for your wedding?

[blas87]

I really don't want to be a Negative Nelly, but my bf has declared time and time again that he's saving money for us to get a place together, and the next thing you know, he's talking about blowing all of his grant money on spring break, the last couple of weeks he spent $800 on new clothes from the Buckle alone, he still owes his parents hundreds of dollars from everything they've done for him...........at this point, I just let him say what he wants, but I know better.

[Ladeeda]

Eesh. And the last thing you want to do is get into legal permanency with someone who has debt they can't or won't manage. Might end up with a lot of that tied to you instead.

[blas87]

Exactly, which is why I renewed my lease for another year, as much as I don't want to, I just don't have the money right now for another security deposit and first month's rent that goes with getting a new place. And I never had ample time to look, either.

[Greenday]

It's funny. With my room at home, I'm kind of a slob. I don't put my clothes away (I usually just stack them) and I don't make my bed. When I was at school, my bed was always made, I put my clothes away the instant they were done drying. I guess part of it is when I was at school, my bedroom was also the living room, the kitchen, the dining room, etc. When people came over my place, it was the only room and I had to keep it clean. At home, I have practically no friends left and we can hang out in a real living room.

When I'm at someone else's place, I leave it exactly as I find it. I put away my dishes. I clean up after myself (though even when I'm "messy" in the bathroom, I don't leave toothpaste in the sink or hairs from shaving or pools of water or anything. I just don't get that.). It's not my place to trash. Even when I was dating someone who was much messier than I was, I cleaned up after myself at her place. She thought I was OCD about cleaning when she first saw my room. My mom got a good laugh out of that.

As far as making him pick stuff up, sit him down and tell him it needs to be done. Give him a reasonable date and tell him he needs to have everything picked out by then.

For daily cleaning issues, I'm not sure how to handle that since I've never had to deal with that.