I love him, I love him....

[Andara Bledin]

As far as making him pick stuff up, sit him down and tell him it needs to be done. Give him a reasonable date and tell him he needs to have everything picked out by then.

For daily cleaning issues, I'm not sure how to handle that since I've never had to deal with that.

Deadlines are a good thing. I know I work better if I have deadlines rather than open-ended "this needs to be done."

You can still use deadlines for daily chores.

Also, another option to demonstrate how the chores break down is to have a whiteboard with all the daily chores up on the fridge and initial every time a chore is done. That way, you have a physical record for both of you to compare to see which is doing what.

^-.-^

[Greenday]

Well, my thing is, if there's no deadline, there's no sense of urgency for getting stuff done since it doesn't have to be done any time soon.

[Gravekeeper]

I'm sad to say I've never lived with anyone, room mates or selected females, who were not slobs and it drove me crazy. I'm not a neat freak myself, but I just tend to be a bit cluttersome in my own private space ( bedroom/office ). The people I have lived with would let things grow on various surfaces and utensils. Or not close drawers/cupboards/fridge doors.

[Boozy]

I am going to have to talk to him about some of this, but I just worry about being a nag. Mom was a nag, and I saw how that really drove a wedge between my parents

I understand completely where you are coming from when you say this, because I felt the same way when I got married.

But spelling out your expectations is not nagging! It's damned necessary, is what it is.

With that said, you gotta pick your battles. If I were you, I'd ignore the small stuff (like water all over the bathroom) and learn to live with it. And expect that he will overlook small things you do that bother him.

Money is different - you have to talk about that and come to an agreement about how you want to handle your finances. It will be an easier conversation to have if you haven't spent the day talking to him about picking up his socks. He needs to know that it's important, and not just another one of your "things".

[AdminAssistant]

As far as the money goes, yes, I'll believe it when it happens. But I can't look down on him for having debt. I have a good bit of credit card debt and upon graduation I'll owe around $70K in student loans. Plus, a decent portion of his debt is my engagement ring.

I have a whiteboard, and using it helps....some. I'll work on giving more deadlines...but it just feels so silly, you know? I'm not a mom telling a son to clean his room. I mean, if the trash cans are full, and he can see that....then...you know....empty them!

[Ladeeda]

As far as the money goes, yes, I'll believe it when it happens. But I can't look down on him for having debt. I have a good bit of credit card debt and upon graduation I'll owe around $70K in student loans. Plus, a decent portion of his debt is my engagement ring.

I have a whiteboard, and using it helps....some. I'll work on giving more deadlines...but it just feels so silly, you know? I'm not a mom telling a son to clean his room. I mean, if the trash cans are full, and he can see that....then...you know....empty them!

But if he isn't emptying them, tell him to.

Call it reprogramming.

[blas87]

Don't feel too harsh about it, Admin. I always joke that my bf is my 24 year old son.

I'm not perfect either and I could give up impulse clothes buying at random, I don't really need to still smoke, but I am in a much better place than my bf and he just does not comprehend that if he wants his own place, he has to save money. Spending =/= saving. He needs to quit worrying about material things. He's even started on the "I don't want to move until I have a good TV and computer!", but then once he has those, there will be something else he wants.

A couple of weeks ago, I got to his place before he did, and I saw a receipt from a store that's similar to GNC. He spent $280 on work-out suppliments/protein/creitine mixes/other related stuff. HOLY SHIT, are you serious kid?!

[Greenday]

He's even started on the "I don't want to move until I have a good TV and computer!", but then once he has those, there will be something else he wants.

Not to be a huge skeptic, but that sounds awfully like he's just doing whatever to avoid moving in...

But I can't look down on him for having debt.

You can if he builds up bad debt on stuff he doesn't need for any reason.

I mean, if the trash cans are full, and he can see that....then...you know....empty them!

Ask him if he had to do it when he was younger and lived with his parents.

$20 says he didn't.

[blas87]

A few months ago, he was telling me that I better not renew my lease this year and we should look into getting a place. Then he got so far in over his head with school and still not having any money saved up, so I told him no and said I was going to renew my lease for yet another year.

[AdminAssistant]

Ask him if he had to do it when he was younger and lived with his parents.

$20 says he didn't.

He didn't. His Dad was blind, so as long as his pathways were clear, they didn't care much about clutter. I can't be in his Mom's house much longer than a few hours. The 4 dachshunds own the place. He says they were okay when his Dad was alive, but that things went to hell after he died. They started destroying things and going to the bathroom in the house. His Mom is starting to get her stuff together now, slowly but surely, but their house still reeks of dog pee and the floors are so...sticky.

But, as far as general housework goes, neither his Mom or brother care. At all. So, it's a family thing I guess.

Then you have my Mom, who is a complete neurotic mess when it comes to housework.

[blas87]

I can understand why you don't like to go over there. I don't blame you one bit.

[AdminAssistant]

I can understand why you don't like to go over there. I don't blame you one bit.

Well, they're 8 hours away, so it's not like it's a regular problem. Honestly, between the condition of his Mom's house and my parents' separation, I think we'll probably just stay with my sister or in a hotel the next time we go back to visit.

[Greenday]

A lot of people's habits reflect what happened when they were raised. Not taking out the trash? Probably never had to do it as a kid. Doesn't clean up after a meal? Probably wasn't the one who did it when they were a kid. Etc. etc.

[blas87]

Not necessarily, Greenday. Growing up, I was expected to be neat as a pin and I wasn't allowed any wiggle room with messes.

Nowadays I can be really lazy about the dishes (although it doesn't help I've never had an apartment with a dishwasher) and I can also put off the garbage for an extra day or two. I wouldn't call myself a slob, but I don't really make cleaning a priority. I spiff sometimes, that's about it. I made a resolution to clean the hell out of this place, and I haven't even gotten the first baby step done yet. Although I will admit I am a freak about clothes on the floor, and dishes/plates/cups just left on a table. Everything should be put away when you are done, even if you aren't going to wash the dishes yet, don't leave them laying about.

I'm a lot different than I was growing up. Being away from my mother has changed me, but for the most part, I think they are positive ways, not negative.

[Greenday]

But you just proved my point. You aren't a slob. If you were never made to clean when you were a kid, odds are you'd be much more likely to never do it as an adult. Guys who had fathers that never cooked or cleaned are less like to cook or clean when they live with someone they are dating. Women who had mothers who never did handywork or never took out the trash are much less likely to do those things when in a relationship.

We tend to mirror our parents roles in their relationship in our own relationships.