My Imminent Divorce

[SkullKing]

So he is complaining that if the foreclosure happens he will lose his cart´s insurance? wouldn´t that happen anyway sooner or later? Especially if you kept the house, it would be yours, correct?

I won´t comment on the second part.

[Ghel]

Well, we did have a short email exchange today. I should have just ignored his response, but he knows exactly how to get under my skin.

He asked a bunch of unhelpful questions, most of which I answered previously. To summarize my reply: I already asked the realtor about an open house; he says they don't work. I don't have the income to refinance the house into just my name, even if I wanted to keep the house, which I don't. I'm not going to rent out the spare bedroom (or the whole house) - besides not wanting a stranger living with me, if I get a purchase offer, they'll have to move out in a hurry. And if you were really worried about me being homeless, you'd be making the mortgage payments.

His reply was more accusations and false concerns about my priorities. He apparently expects me to let the house freeze, let my car be uninsured, and be cut off from the rest of the world (no phone or internet) in order to be able to pay the mortgage. He also accused me of wasting money going to the Renaissance Festival, which actually only cost me $40 worth of gas - my brother paid for the rest. He complained about my not communicating with him, but if he's only going to tell me everything he thinks I'm doing wrong, why would I want to talk to him?

Here's part of my last email to him:

Nor have you communicated with me at all. You didn't tell me you changed your phone number. I had to find out from the collection agent. I have internet at the lowest level possible. I'm getting a lower rate on my car insurance because it's bundled with the house insurance. I got a couple quotes when I changed it up, and nobody had cheaper.

I could go over your priorities and choices, but it wouldn't get us anywhere. You still seem unwilling to accept that we've both changed significantly, especially over the past 2 years or so. You haven't expressed an interest in my views, priorities, or feelings in a long time. You only accuse me of things, and I'm tired of having to defend my decisions. So I won't.

[SkullKing]

Thanks, Andara. I know we've butted heads many times on this site, but I really appreciate your kind words.

ETA: I sent STBEH a short email last night. At first, I added some stuff about how all this is affecting me personally and health-wise, but I deleted all that and just sent this:

I think you did right, he doesn´t care about you s you shouldn´t show weakness, nonetheless you did the right thing and he cannot complain about being blindsided by it, or that you didn´t warn him

[Ghel]

Thanks, Andara. I know we've butted heads many times on this site, but I really appreciate your kind words.

ETA: I sent STBEH a short email last night. At first, I added some stuff about how all this is affecting me personally and health-wise, but I deleted all that and just sent this:

There's been half a dozen showings so far since I dropped the price on the house, but nobody's made a purchase offer. I don't know if they sent you the same letter, but <mortgage company> sent me a letter last week that they intend to start the foreclosure process. I thought you should know.

[Andara Bledin]

He just wants to push the responsibility for the house, mortgages, taxes, insurance, and utilities on to me, so it doesn't affect him financially or credit-wise. What an asshole.

He wasn't smoking anything, but he was hoping you would.

Basically, what you said: He's trying to fob off everything on you because he wants to walk away clean from the mess he made and stick you with the repercussions of his irresponsibility.

Unfortunately, you'll get stuck with some of the blowback from his self-destructive Narcissism, but you're lucky in that you have people who will do what they can to help you get reestablished once you've disentangled yourself from him.

Here's hoping that comes soon.

[SkullKing]

Seems to me sending hima quick message would be the right thing to do, but you are not in any way obligated to do it. He knew it was going to happen and you are not married anymore.

Seems to me it wouldn´t be wrong to not tell him, but it would be anice thing to do.

Not sure if he deserves nice though.

[Ghel]

The mortgage (actually mortgages - we have a 1st and 2nd) are in both our names. All the late payments that have been accumulating (because he refuses to pay the mortgage) are going to show up on both our credit reports. That's bad enough, but having a foreclosure on our credit reports will pretty much prevent either of us from getting a mortgage loan again for as long at 10 years, since that's how long a foreclosure stays on your credit report.

I have a way around this, since I work at a bank, and they know my situation, so they'll work with me to get me a mortgage loan for a new house.

But it's very revealing that STBEH has emailed me several times since I said I wanted to get divorced to say that he wants to just give me the house. He tried (poorly) to convince me that I could refinance the house to be able to afford the payments. I don't know what he was smoking, but I ran the numbers and there's just no way I could afford it. (Setting aside the fact that a 3-bedroom house is way too big for me.) He just wants to push the responsibility for the house, mortgages, taxes, insurance, and utilities on to me, so it doesn't affect him financially or credit-wise. What an asshole.

[SkullKing]

What exactly does it mean for him the start of the foreclosure?

[Ghel]

My STBEH was being an asshole today. He contacted Steve on Second Life to complain that he "got stuck with" the final cable bill. And to bug him about who my guest for Thanksgiving was. The only way he could have found out I even had a guest was through his sister, who I mentioned it to when she asked if I had plans for Thanksgiving.

STBEH still hasn't contacted me, not even to complain about bills. I'm debating whether to email him that I got a letter from the mortgage company saying that they're going to start the foreclosure.

[SkullKing]

I am glad to hear it. A good snuggling is often underrated.

The Christmas things was sweet and good advice.

Mycha sounds like a nice guy.

[Ghel]

Thanks, SkullKing and Peppergirl. I had a lovely weekend with Mycha. We spent lots of time talking and snuggling on the couch.

He insisted I put up Christmas decorations, even though I wasn't planning to. I had thrown out the old, broken Christmas tree this summer, so he bought me a little 2-foot tall tree that I could put on top of a cabinet to keep it out of reach of the cats. Mycha helped me decorate it with ornaments my mom had made when I was a kid and my dad's favorite tree-topper: a star that's probably as old as I am. We took a break from decorating the tree to have a little cry together. He also insisted I put up my Christmas village. It felt good, like all my crappy feelings were just wafting away.

It was nice to have a long weekend off work, too.

[Peppergirl]

I'm happy for you.

Please keep us posted as to how it goes.

[SkullKing]

I am glad to hear that.

Good luck and hope everything goes all right

[Ghel]

In better news, Mycha is coming to spend the long weekend with me Thanksgiving weekend! *does a happy dance* I'm a little nervous, but I've been funneling that nervous energy into planning Thanksgiving dinner and such.

[Ghel]

meh, give them whatever number you have. Al/ Ali's cell or home phones, his email addresses, etc. mortgage companies tend to have no issue with bugging people however they can for money

Heh. Most of his mail I've been marking "return to sender - not at this address" unless it's addressed to both of us. But if I get a call asking for his phone number or address, I'm going to follow this advice. "Here's the last number I had for him and the last address that I know he was living at."

ETA: I did exactly this. I got a call from the 2nd mortgage company yesterday, and the caller was bugging me about whether I've been able to contact STBEH, so I said that I don't have his new phone number, he's not responding to my emails [not that I've emailed him in weeks anyway], but here's the last address I had for him. The collection agent promised not to call me again for a couple weeks. We'll see if he keeps that promise.