My Imminent Divorce

[siead_lietrathua]

I don't know if Ali was being vindictive or simply unthinking, but she posted selfies of her, my husband, and her kids, and tagged my STBEH's RL Facebook. Normally, it would mean lots of awkward questions, but considering the circumstances, it'll make it really easy to explain to people why I'm filing for divorce. He's living in TN with his girlfriend. Photographic evidence right there on his FB wall where anybody can see it.

awkward... not cool that she outed you/ your ex. people will probably just assume he cheated so you left. might be best to let them have that assumption, give a little vindictiveness back

[Ghel]

So... my STBEH and I can't even get divorced without arguing.

I got a letter from the legal aid place yesterday. They turned me down because I make too much money. I told STBEH and his response was, "just hire a paralegal." Setting aside that a paralegal wouldn't be able to do much more than I could, I can't afford the $400 in court costs to file the divorce (if I do the documentation myself). How am I supposed to afford another $300 (his estimate) to hire a paralegal? It looks like I'm going to have to wait until the house is sold and use some of the proceeds from the sale to file the divorce.

I also paid bills last night. Since I only make about half of what my husband did before he quit his last full-time job, and our savings account is drained from paying the bills while he's been out of work, I was only able to pay part of the bills that are due. I concentrated on paying my bills, of course. I texted my STBEH with what I had paid and what I can't afford to pay. He claimed he would pay the rest of them, but he doesn't have any money in his checking account. I asked if he got the paperwork to cash in his retirement, but he didn't respond.

I would like to say it's not my problem any more, but it is. If he doesn't pay the mortgage by the end of the month, those lates are going to show up on my credit report, too. The collection calls will come to the house phone. The only way I could pay the mortgage is if I didn't pay any of the other bills.

Then he messaged me to say that he still loves me. I told him I still love him, too, but I don't see us working things out. He said "not if we're not working for each other." Right, because we can overcome all of our differences if we just work hard on our relationship. Just ignore that I don't want to be with someone who tries to manipulate and control me, and who spouts sexist and homophobic remarks about me and those that I love.

[SkullKing]

I am sorry to hear that, I didn´t know divorces were so expensive when mutual.

Do you think he would go so far as witholding the funds you need to pay the mortgage in order to control you, since he already has a new place to live?

[Ghel]

I don't think so, but only because he doesn't want lates showing on his credit, either.

[crashhelmet]

So... my STBEH and I can't even get divorced without arguing.

I got a letter from the legal aid place yesterday. They turned me down because I make too much money. I told STBEH and his response was, "just hire a paralegal." Setting aside that a paralegal wouldn't be able to do much more than I could, I can't afford the $400 in court costs to file the divorce (if I do the documentation myself). How am I supposed to afford another $300 (his estimate) to hire a paralegal? It looks like I'm going to have to wait until the house is sold and use some of the proceeds from the sale to file the divorce.

*SNIP*

There are web sites like legalzoom.com that will walk you through it all. They are expensive, but cheaper than hiring someone to do it for you.

There are also the DIY kits for sale at places like Office Depot, like this one for $32. Outside of that, I think you only need to pay whatever State and/or County filing fees.

[mathnerd]

Check to see if your county has a DYI department. My old county had a department where, for a small fee (between $20-$100 depending on what you needed), they would provide all the paperwork and have a paralegal review them to make sure they were filled out properly before you filed.

[Ghel]

I can get blank documents from the MN courts website. They even have a website where it'll lead you through filling in the forms. The problem I'm having is coming up with the $402 it costs to file the documents with the court.

[mathnerd]

When I filed the courts had a way to reduce the cost on a need based/sliding scale basis. They didn't advertise it though. You had to know to ask. I'd ask if the courts where you are have anything similar.

[Ghel]

Thanks, mathnerd. I'll have to look into that. I've been doing some research online. The actual paperwork doesn't look terribly difficult, as long as we're both in agreement on how we want to split things.

The realtor is coming tomorrow to take pictures of the house and get it listed. I'm stressing out over it. The house isn't quite as tidy as I'd like, but it'll have to do. It really sucks that I have to do all this by myself.

On a more emotional level, I found myself missing Al yesterday. Then I remembered that, instead of talking to me about being upset with me that I didn't want to go along with their relationship structure, he went home and complained to Ali, who then passed on the message that Al thought I was a "selfish bitch." No, I'm better off without either of them.

[telecom_goddess]

Wow I'm really sorry this is happening. I can relate to a lot of it, the poly gone wrong, lack of communication, long distance relationships, and the high cost of just FILING for divorce. I need to get divorced but I can't afford the filing fees.

I hope it get better. Do you think maybe renting an apartment might be a cheaper option than buying another house right away?

[Ghel]

I hope it get better. Do you think maybe renting an apartment might be a cheaper option than buying another house right away?

Thanks for the support.

No, around here, apartments are more expensive than a small house. Rent on a 1-bedroom apartment starts at $500, and the mortgage on a small house starts at $250 per month. Even adding in real estate taxes and insurance, I'm only looking at about $350 per month for a house. As long as my credit is good, I'm going to get a house. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

[Peppergirl]

Wow, Ghel.

Despite generally disagreeing with your views on religion, I've always admired your debate style and found you to be refreshing, well-spoken and respectful, even when things got heated.

I have to say, reading this thread and of your situation just managed to further increase my respect for you. Even in the face of all this crap that's being heaped upon you, you've somehow managed to remain dignified and have reacted with grace. I can only wish I'd react the same way if I were in that situation, but somehow I doubt it.

I don't have any advice, other than I felt compelled to tell you how I felt. Please keep us posted and I truly wish you the best. Massive, huge to you.

[SkullKing]

On a more emotional level, I found myself missing Al yesterday. Then I remembered that, instead of talking to me about being upset with me that I didn't want to go along with their relationship structure, he went home and complained to Ali, who then passed on the message that Al thought I was a "selfish bitch." No, I'm better off without either of them.

Are you sure that is what happened? from reading your posts I get the impression that you only have ali´s word that Al said anything bad about you.

I wouldn´t be surprised if Al just expressed that he was sad things didn´t work out, and Ali came up with the vitriol on her own.

i.E. "Ghel won´t be with us" therefore she is selfish, since Al said she won´t be with us Al said she is selfish.

On the other hand, maybe he really is untrustworthy. I suggest you ask him about this if ever the opportunity show up. This is a very large event in your life and it would be good for you to understand as much as possible about what happened

[Ghel]

Thanks for the support, Peppergirl. I really appreciate it.

Are you sure that is what happened? from reading your posts I get the impression that you only have ali´s word that Al said anything bad about you.

I just read back and realized I left out what I said when I warned Al what was waiting for him at home. I started the conversation with "before [Hubby] tells you what a selfish, inconsiderate bitch I am..." So she was throwing my words back at me.

[Ghel]

Even though it's kind of moot now, I want to go into greater detail about the bullshit that my STBEH said about Mycha (and Steve, although the worst stuff was about Mycha). Italics are my thoughts, most of which I didn't express out loud.

Mycha and I have been talking about wanting to meet for nearly a year. The first time that he might have been able to meet me was towards the end of January. He was flying out to the west coast for business, and he said he wanted to stop at the closest airport to meet me on the way back. Probably stay overnight, then fly out the next day. When I mentioned this to Hubby, at first he sounded like he was ok with it. And then he's like, "wait, does this mean you're going to have sex with him?" Duh. "Well, probably." "I'm not comfortable with that." That's a phrase he used frequently. "I don't know him." You've talked to him on Second Life. Talk with him there some more. Or exchange emails. Or something. Just get to know him, if that's what's bothering you.

Mycha offered to meet both of us for dinner, before we went our separate ways. Hubby's response: "So... what? I'm supposed to sit through an awkward dinner, then at the end just say, 'good night. Have a nice time fucking my wife'?" There's another saying he used frequently - "my wife." He made it sound like I was his property when he said that.

So that got delayed. Mycha casually talked about coming out to visit me. I could show him around my town. But that never happened.

Then, in April (I think - it was after I got back from TN) Mycha said that he was taking some vacation in July, and he'd love to have me fly out to New York to stay with him for a week. So I mentioned it to Hubby. He said, again, that he wasn't comfortable with that. I'd be 1000 miles away with a stranger (only because you didn't make the effort to get to know him). If something went wrong, he wouldn't be there to rescue me. Really? What patriarchal bullshit.

So meeting Mycha got put off again. I brought it up every once in a while, and Hubby repeated his refrain of "I"m not comfortable with that." He resisted any suggestions that he could become comfortable with it. He passed responsibility to Al - Al wouldn't be comfortable with it. But Al had only said to me to make sure Mycha's been tested for STDs and to use protection. (Again, this focus on sex instead of emotion. Aren't you at all worried that he'll treat me poorly or break my heart? Do you only care what STDs I might bring back with me? As if I wouldn't practice safe sex without you reminding me?)

Then it came time for Hubby to head to TN. The day before he left, we had a huge argument, mostly because I was afraid of being alone. But Mycha came up in conversation again. I don't remember what led up to it, but Hubby asked, "And despite the strain it's putting on our relationship, you still want to meet him?" I said, "Yes, I still want to meet him. But I'm not going to, since you're not comfortable with it." I still don't think he understood that I was trying to differentiate between desires and actions.

This last part took place over the course of at least a week via text and phone. Most of it was part of the discussions of how we wanted to handle polyamory and the quad, etc. I used Mycha as an example of someone I might want to have an outside relationship with. Hubby repeated the "1000 miles away with a stranger" several times. That he needed to protect me. He said that it was Mycha's responsibility to get to know him if he wanted to "fuck my wife." Yeah, because I belong to my husband. Never mind that Mycha's in a relationship with me, not with Hubby. What if something went wrong? What if I had to barricade myself in the bathroom? He'd be too far away to come rescue me. Right, because my first call if there was an emergency is going to be to my husband, and not, say, 911.

Then came the slut-shaming type remarks. "Aren't Al and I enough for you?" "How are you going to juggle four relationships? You're not doing a very good job of it now." "I'm your primary partner, but I don't feel like you're putting me first." I still maintain this was a lack of effective communication combined with his insecurities. For example, Steve would email me to ask if I was free that night. I would ask Hubby if we had any plans - giving him the option to say something like, "We didn't have plans, but let's do something together." He almost never did. He said later that he thought, if I was asking him if we had plans, that I had already made plans with Steve. So he would respond that we didn't have plans, and I would say, "Ok, then I'm spending the evening with Steve." Then he would mope.

Then came the subject of the semi-closed quad, along with the relationship agreement and safe-sex agreement for outside lovers. I tentatively agreed to the relationship agreement for the four of us, but I balked at having Mycha sign anything. "If he doesn't care enough about you to sign an agreement to practice safe sex, why would you want to be with him?" I trust him enough that I believe him at his word. Having him sign something would show that I don't trust him. It's not like it would be legally enforceable anyway. Nor would there be repercussions for breaking the agreement other than the end of our relationship. If he didn't want to use a condom, then I wouldn't have sex with him. That's the same whether he's signed anything or not.

Hubby also made slut-shaming remarks about Mycha. "I don't want you to be with someone who admits to having multiple partners." Multiple partners - yeah, 3 in the past 5 years. 6 in the past 15 years. If there's something wrong with Mycha for having multiple partners, then there's the same thing wrong with me, and with Hubby and Ali and Al, for having multiple partners. When I expressed this, Hubby's response was that Mycha had (he assumed) received anal sex, so that's different. For reasons. (Maybe it's TMI, but) I, too, have received anal sex from multiple partners. Am I a bad person in the same way as Mycha just because of anal sex? That's not the same thing, because reasons. Unstated reasons, because Hubby didn't have an answer to that one.

Then came the homophobic remarks. This part is heavily paraphrased because it took a really long time to draw out what Hubby was really getting at. Because Mycha's bisexual, he might at some time received anal sex, which if done without protection would put him at higher risk of certain types of STDs. Which I might catch and pass on to other members of the quad. Besides the selfish bit about each of you trying to save your own skins, you're assuming a couple things about Mycha without even knowing him. You're assuming that (a) he engaged in a particular sex act that he might not have, and more importantly, (b) that he doesn't practice safe sex.

Hubby said that the only thing Mycha wanted from me was sex, and as soon as he had it, he'd dump me. And then I'd be running to Hubby for comfort. Never mind that Mycha lives in New York City. He wouldn't have to go all the way to Minnesota to find someone willing to have sex with him.

And then, when I'd had enough of all this, Hubby said that I was leaving him because I wanted to have sex with Mycha. That I was selfish, with the implication that I wanted to have sex with as many different people as possible, and damn the consequences.

Every time I think about it, the more sure I am that I'm doing the right thing. Still, I had to mentally slap my internal monologue the other day. I was stuck on the question "are you sure this is what you want to do?" My response was "What I want isn't going to happen, so this is what I have to do."