I Don't Get It (Differences Between Friend/Boyfriend)

[CooperArt]

I'm just going to dump the conversation here. I'm C, for Cooper.

D: yikes, that sucks, and that is uderstandable...sooo....have you..found anyone?
C: Nope. I've been meaning to go to the LGBT group at KVCC, but can't afford the gas. I saw this really really cute girl that I can't stop thinking about, but I have to, because I couldn't really make myself go up to her and just say "you're the most gorgeous person I've ever seen"
C: Especially not knowing if she ewas gay or not.
D: lol i'd do it for you :P
D: I have a question for you, would you ever been in a polyamerous relationship?
C: probably not. no
D: another question too, are you exclusively looking for a female to be with?
C: Pretty much. I have a crush on a guy but he's 14... so that's a big no no
D: oh cause...well to expresive some represed feeling of mine...."you're the most gorgeous person I've ever seen"
D: xD
C: they haven't really been repressed
D: I've been hiding from you for most the summer :/
C: I just assumed we were drifting apart. HAs happened with a lot of my friends lately.
D: no, it was a self imposed seperation, I have depression issues and I hide from my negitiving feelings beause of it
D: I really really like and respect you
C: I'm pretty familiar with deression. Been diagnosed with it.
D: you are the first girl I have ever met that I would consider my intulectual equal
D: your by far the only girl I know that I can have an intellegent conversation with and I find that more attactive then anything else in the world
C:
D: and beside, I can promise you, if there ever came a time were you wanted to be with a girl, either testing or serious, I would let you....I just really want to make you happy, and I know I could make you thehappiest girlfriend in the world
C: I don't think I'm ready to get into a relationship. I don't know if I'll ever be, honestly.
D: you'll never know until you try, give me a chance and I promise you I will make sure you wont regret it
C: Look, my last relationships didn't end well.
C: My first boyfriend abused me. I abused my second.
D: I know, you told me before and I remember, I promise that I would never abuse you ever and I promise you that I will also have a backbone and call you out on abusing me. I understand that you have had problems with relationships in the past, but you'll never be happy if you let it bring you down and stop you from at least trying. You have perfect imperfections
C: It wouldn't be fair to you.
D: how can you be the judge of that? And besides, when is the relationship ever fair for the guy :P
C: Well, I am gay. It's nothing really to do with you, but sexually I'm just not attracted to you. Relationships have three components, and we can't have a healthy one if 1/3rd of the triangle is missing.
D: I do not need sex, and who knows, maybe I could be atractive to you in that way, time does funny things
C: I'm happy with just being friends. Close friends is fine, but friends is as far as I want this to go.
D: your not even gonna give me a chance?
C: I am. Just not in the way you want me to. You're a really sweet guy, and I think you're smart, and you like al ot of the same things I do. I value that in my friends. But a boyfriend without sex is just a friend, imo.
D: no, a boyfriend with out sex is the most loving and caring pilliow you'll ever have, one that listens to you, care about you and is always there for you.....with, if you want to of corse, the ocasional kiss
C: That's the thing. I don't even want to kiss. As I said, I just want to be friends. Close friends is fine. But this is unlikely to be the sort of situation where if you gain enough xp, you level up to boyfriend.
D: name one other guy, no person for that matter, that laughed as hard as me at that joke
D: I just.................nevermind, I'm done, you decided, if that makes you happy then so be it
C: I appreciate you respecting my decision. Can we still be friends?
C: I respect that this isn't the greatest position to put you in, but as I've said, I don't really want to lose you, but I know I'm not ready to upgrade any relationship.
Dakerman is now Away.
C: Ok, I'll leave you to think about it. I'm going to go to bed. I have work in the morning.
D is now Online.
D: i....guess we can still be friends....

Do you think he's honestly going to give up? I really want to be friends with him, as I think he's funny, we like a lot of the same things, and I don't nearly have enough friends, but as I've pointed out in the story I'm:

* About a 4 on the Kinsey scale--it's about as gay as you can get without going Full Gay (I've only been attracted to three guys in my lifetime... the 14-year-old, and two fictional characters: Ulfric from Skyrim--just the voice, not the personality--and Ranger from the Stephanie Plum series.)

* Not ready for a relationship: I've got Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder. I'm in therapy and my medication needs to be adjusted again.

* and he doesn't know this, but I'm genderqueer. I don't know if I'm uncomfortable enough with my gender to go full trans, but either way, he wouldn't really be dating a "girl."

I just don't know if he's going to see reason. In about a week we're going to see a movie--with my sister in tow--and how he behaves himself will say a lot.

[Stitchwitch]

D: I do not need sex, and who knows, maybe I could be atractive to you in that way, time does funny things

This makes it sound like he thinks that he can "cure" you and make you like guys. Be very careful, he might try to pressure you more.

[gremcint]

I'm sorry I stopped reading part way through the conversation because he was creeping me out a little.

you are the first girl I have ever met that I would consider my intulectual equal
D: your by far the only girl I know that I can have an intellegent conversation with and I find that more attactive then anything else in the world

D: how can you be the judge of that? And besides, when is the relationship ever fair for the guy :P

D: I do not need sex, and who knows, maybe I could be atractive to you in that way, time does funny things

to me these are some red flags, also the conversation starts about you and ends up being about him.

[BlaqueKatt]

Nope. I've been meaning to go to the LGBT group at KVCC, but can't afford the gas. I saw this really really cute girl that I can't stop thinking about, but I have to, because I couldn't really make myself go up to her and just say "you're the most gorgeous person I've ever seen"
Especially not knowing if she was gay or not.

Hey, there is *nothing* wrong with telling another human they're beautiful, I do it regularly to both males and females. And I'm taken.

If they aren't interested they usually just take it as a compliment and it makes their day, too much nastiness in the world to not spread a bit of nice around.

[Greenday]

Seems a bit obsessive to me. And not in a cute way. Totally sets off my creeper vibes.

Sometimes you just have to take no as an answer and deal with it. It's part of life.

[HYHYBT]

I don't think the line between "friend" and "boyfriend" is sex.

[Gravekeeper]

Yeah, I'm putting in another vote for that was a bit skin crawly to read and I don't think he's liable to give up on it. I mean he knows you don't swing his way but is still willing to take whatever he can get in the hopes of leveling up as you put it.

I think once someone is actively and, honestly, kind of pathetically/immaturely pleading their case to try and overturn your decision on the matter things have entered the creepy zone. Especially given the subtle maybe I can cure you of The Gay(tm) part. Then slinking away like a puppy that's been kicked as if this is your fault.

He sounds like a Nice Guy. >.>

[CooperArt]

I don't think I'll disinvite him to the movie, but I'll be keeping him at an arms length from here-on-out. I don't have a very good creepy meter, so I wasn't really picking up on it.

I figured the movie was a pretty good test, because if he couldn't control himself with my little sister in tow, then he couldn't at all. But I can't help feel like I agree with the "turning you straight" and "you're an object to win" undertones being present. I may invite more friends.

[Parrothead]

Do. He's setting off a boatload of warning bells.

[patiokitty]

I don't think the line between "friend" and "boyfriend" is sex.

It is possible to be in a romantic relationship without sex, so I obviously agree with the above quote. For me, a romantic partner is somebody I can see myself living the rest of my life with, for better or for worse. Waking up to in the morning, and going to bed with at night. Somebody who will be my partner in life...and if sex is a part of it, cool. If not, it's not the end of the world.

But when it comes to D, I'm with everybody else who is saying he's giving off creepy vibes. I don't think he is going to stop trying for more with you until you hit him with a cluebat.

I get the whole genderqueer thing because that is how I identify as well. I'm physically female, sure, but I sure as hell don't feel like it much of the time, but I also don't identify as feeling male either. I feel like I'm some blend of the two, and it seems to work for me. As a plus, realizing that I didn't have to stick with role of seeming female all the time helped some with my depression and anxiety - I can be myself and to hell with everybody else.

But yeah, definitely start putting distance between yourself and D, Cooper, before he does anything both of you will live to regret.

[Greenday]

Yeah, I'm putting in another vote for that was a bit skin crawly to read and I don't think he's liable to give up on it. I mean he knows you don't swing his way but is still willing to take whatever he can get in the hopes of leveling up as you put it.

This. Plus with the "I can convert you" attitude, how long before he starts to think that if he can just get you to hook up with him, it'll change things for his benefit? And if he finds a chance to force the situation, it'll change you so you'll be okay with it.

[Peppergirl]

Another one for creepy-vibes. Proceed (trying to remain friends) with caution.

Although admittedly, I don't know what 'genderqueer' means..does that make a difference to the situation? Can you explain?

[siead_lietrathua]

Although admittedly, I don't know what 'genderqueer' means..does that make a difference to the situation? Can you explain?

gender-queer is basically someone that doesn't identify with either gender, but considers themselves somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. imperfect examples are tomboys and transvestites*.
it can make a difference at times. gender-queers tend to not like to be forced into their biological gender role. causes a bit of chafing at the bit. so when we wind up with a partner that expects us to act like our bio-genders all. the. time. it gets tiring. if we know in advance someone is more traditional about gender roles, they just tend to not to become partners.


to the OP: i think your friendship with this guy might not work out. if he's convinced he can both change you, and that if you just tried you'd come around... he's not gonna stop trying. and that's just gonna drive you nuts. plus, if he really is in love with you, it's gonna hurt him in the long run to just have to be friends, and see you dating other partners.
give it some time, but if he keeps being pushy, or starts being an asshole over everything, you might wanna cut your losses for a while.
if ya'll are really friends, you can pick up the friendship again later once heads and hearts have cooled off.


*i said transvestites, not transgender. they are different things, and not two words for the same identity. so no head biting.

[CooperArt]

I bought pepper spray, as trying to import friends into the situation has been an utter failure. I invited four of them (so basically all that are in the state) and three of them have to work, and one doesn't know yet.

It's not that I don't think I can take him. It's that I've realized the movie theatre is just dark enough he may decide he can try something.

I'm letting the friendship remain online only for a while. Let the creepiness stay away from me and with proof.

As for the sex thing: I shouldn't have said that. I have an asexual but not aromantic friend (don't I feel like the guy who "has a black friend" right now) and I should be more sensitive to her lack-of-sexuality.

As for the genderqueer thing, it's been obvious for a long time that, while I'm not intersex, I have a very high amount of testosterone for a girl. I have a moustache, for one thing. I'm lucky in that it's more acceptable for women to break gender roles than men, but that doesn't mean I haven't gotten flak for it. People in school joked I was a cross-dresser.

I get a lot of compliments for my more masculine job (tearing apart motors) and have been bullied enough that I've stopped caring if I get called a "bitch" for my forward ways. But at the same time, I still like to wear dresses sometimes. I think I'm not going to ask that anyone calls me "him" or "he." I feel better just knowing there's a box for me to fit in, that there are other people like me.

[Peppergirl]

Thanks for the explanation. I was on my work computer and I know they track our searches, so didn't want to search for a definition on there. Even though I don't find it inappropriate, work might feel differently.

Anyway, yeah - I think he's creepy. Have you had any contact with him since this conversation? Is a slow fade out of the friendship a possibility versus actually coming out and telling him to get lost?