My Imminent Divorce

[Ghel]

Thanks for the support, Peppergirl. I really appreciate it.

Are you sure that is what happened? from reading your posts I get the impression that you only have ali´s word that Al said anything bad about you.

I just read back and realized I left out what I said when I warned Al what was waiting for him at home. I started the conversation with "before [Hubby] tells you what a selfish, inconsiderate bitch I am..." So she was throwing my words back at me.

[SkullKing]

On a more emotional level, I found myself missing Al yesterday. Then I remembered that, instead of talking to me about being upset with me that I didn't want to go along with their relationship structure, he went home and complained to Ali, who then passed on the message that Al thought I was a "selfish bitch." No, I'm better off without either of them.

Are you sure that is what happened? from reading your posts I get the impression that you only have ali´s word that Al said anything bad about you.

I wouldn´t be surprised if Al just expressed that he was sad things didn´t work out, and Ali came up with the vitriol on her own.

i.E. "Ghel won´t be with us" therefore she is selfish, since Al said she won´t be with us Al said she is selfish.

On the other hand, maybe he really is untrustworthy. I suggest you ask him about this if ever the opportunity show up. This is a very large event in your life and it would be good for you to understand as much as possible about what happened

[Peppergirl]

Wow, Ghel.

Despite generally disagreeing with your views on religion, I've always admired your debate style and found you to be refreshing, well-spoken and respectful, even when things got heated.

I have to say, reading this thread and of your situation just managed to further increase my respect for you. Even in the face of all this crap that's being heaped upon you, you've somehow managed to remain dignified and have reacted with grace. I can only wish I'd react the same way if I were in that situation, but somehow I doubt it.

I don't have any advice, other than I felt compelled to tell you how I felt. Please keep us posted and I truly wish you the best. Massive, huge to you.

[Ghel]

I hope it get better. Do you think maybe renting an apartment might be a cheaper option than buying another house right away?

Thanks for the support.

No, around here, apartments are more expensive than a small house. Rent on a 1-bedroom apartment starts at $500, and the mortgage on a small house starts at $250 per month. Even adding in real estate taxes and insurance, I'm only looking at about $350 per month for a house. As long as my credit is good, I'm going to get a house. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

[telecom_goddess]

Wow I'm really sorry this is happening. I can relate to a lot of it, the poly gone wrong, lack of communication, long distance relationships, and the high cost of just FILING for divorce. I need to get divorced but I can't afford the filing fees.

I hope it get better. Do you think maybe renting an apartment might be a cheaper option than buying another house right away?

[Ghel]

Thanks, mathnerd. I'll have to look into that. I've been doing some research online. The actual paperwork doesn't look terribly difficult, as long as we're both in agreement on how we want to split things.

The realtor is coming tomorrow to take pictures of the house and get it listed. I'm stressing out over it. The house isn't quite as tidy as I'd like, but it'll have to do. It really sucks that I have to do all this by myself.

On a more emotional level, I found myself missing Al yesterday. Then I remembered that, instead of talking to me about being upset with me that I didn't want to go along with their relationship structure, he went home and complained to Ali, who then passed on the message that Al thought I was a "selfish bitch." No, I'm better off without either of them.

[mathnerd]

When I filed the courts had a way to reduce the cost on a need based/sliding scale basis. They didn't advertise it though. You had to know to ask. I'd ask if the courts where you are have anything similar.

[Ghel]

I can get blank documents from the MN courts website. They even have a website where it'll lead you through filling in the forms. The problem I'm having is coming up with the $402 it costs to file the documents with the court.

[mathnerd]

Check to see if your county has a DYI department. My old county had a department where, for a small fee (between $20-$100 depending on what you needed), they would provide all the paperwork and have a paralegal review them to make sure they were filled out properly before you filed.

[crashhelmet]

So... my STBEH and I can't even get divorced without arguing.

I got a letter from the legal aid place yesterday. They turned me down because I make too much money. I told STBEH and his response was, "just hire a paralegal." Setting aside that a paralegal wouldn't be able to do much more than I could, I can't afford the $400 in court costs to file the divorce (if I do the documentation myself). How am I supposed to afford another $300 (his estimate) to hire a paralegal? It looks like I'm going to have to wait until the house is sold and use some of the proceeds from the sale to file the divorce.

*SNIP*

There are web sites like legalzoom.com that will walk you through it all. They are expensive, but cheaper than hiring someone to do it for you.

There are also the DIY kits for sale at places like Office Depot, like this one for $32. Outside of that, I think you only need to pay whatever State and/or County filing fees.

[Ghel]

I don't think so, but only because he doesn't want lates showing on his credit, either.

[SkullKing]

I am sorry to hear that, I didn´t know divorces were so expensive when mutual.

Do you think he would go so far as witholding the funds you need to pay the mortgage in order to control you, since he already has a new place to live?

[Ghel]

So... my STBEH and I can't even get divorced without arguing.

I got a letter from the legal aid place yesterday. They turned me down because I make too much money. I told STBEH and his response was, "just hire a paralegal." Setting aside that a paralegal wouldn't be able to do much more than I could, I can't afford the $400 in court costs to file the divorce (if I do the documentation myself). How am I supposed to afford another $300 (his estimate) to hire a paralegal? It looks like I'm going to have to wait until the house is sold and use some of the proceeds from the sale to file the divorce.

I also paid bills last night. Since I only make about half of what my husband did before he quit his last full-time job, and our savings account is drained from paying the bills while he's been out of work, I was only able to pay part of the bills that are due. I concentrated on paying my bills, of course. I texted my STBEH with what I had paid and what I can't afford to pay. He claimed he would pay the rest of them, but he doesn't have any money in his checking account. I asked if he got the paperwork to cash in his retirement, but he didn't respond.

I would like to say it's not my problem any more, but it is. If he doesn't pay the mortgage by the end of the month, those lates are going to show up on my credit report, too. The collection calls will come to the house phone. The only way I could pay the mortgage is if I didn't pay any of the other bills.

Then he messaged me to say that he still loves me. I told him I still love him, too, but I don't see us working things out. He said "not if we're not working for each other." Right, because we can overcome all of our differences if we just work hard on our relationship. Just ignore that I don't want to be with someone who tries to manipulate and control me, and who spouts sexist and homophobic remarks about me and those that I love.

[siead_lietrathua]

I don't know if Ali was being vindictive or simply unthinking, but she posted selfies of her, my husband, and her kids, and tagged my STBEH's RL Facebook. Normally, it would mean lots of awkward questions, but considering the circumstances, it'll make it really easy to explain to people why I'm filing for divorce. He's living in TN with his girlfriend. Photographic evidence right there on his FB wall where anybody can see it.

awkward... not cool that she outed you/ your ex. people will probably just assume he cheated so you left. might be best to let them have that assumption, give a little vindictiveness back

[Ghel]

Thanks for the support, BlaqueKatt and HYHYBT.

I don't think money is the issue, exactly. Even though I'm making more than any of the rest of them. My STBEH (thanks for that, BlaqueKatt ) agreed to cash out his retirement fund so that the mortgage won't go past due. Neither of us wants those lates, or worse a foreclosure, on our credit.

[quick background for this bit] Ali, my husband, and I each have separate Facebook accounts for Second Life and real life. I'm mostly in the closet about being pansexual and polyamorous in my real life, but in the relative anonymity of SL, I'm out. [/bg]

I don't know if Ali was being vindictive or simply unthinking, but she posted selfies of her, my husband, and her kids, and tagged my STBEH's RL Facebook. Normally, it would mean lots of awkward questions, but considering the circumstances, it'll make it really easy to explain to people why I'm filing for divorce. He's living in TN with his girlfriend. Photographic evidence right there on his FB wall where anybody can see it.