Father Teaches Daughter Lesson About Facebook

[KnitShoni]

Cept that's not what I said at all. But thanks I guess? I've also never seen anyone say that in opposition to all forms of discipline.

Dad here punished his daughter in an unreasonable fashion for holding a private opinion. What sort of lesson does that teach? Everyone I've known in my life that's had overbearing disciplinary parents dealt with them simply by hiding what they were up to better. Once a child learns that you're unreasonable they're no longer learning lessons from you.

They're learning how to avoid setting you off.

I didn't say that's what you said. I said it's used by a lot of people to oppose any form of discipline. So...you're welcome?

Outside of his gun usage and the fact that he recorded it, what part of the punishment was unreasonable for being disrespectful? Because he didn't punish her for her opinion. He punished her for a repeated instance of disrespect. Not just of him, but her mother, her stepmother, and the "cleaning lady." Was it just certain aspects, or the fact that he punished her at all?

[Hyena Dandy]

If she DOES the chores, I think there really shouldn't be a problem. If she was refusing to do the chores, or lying about it... This I think would still be harsh, but I'd understand it.

It doesn't feel like an overdramatic thing, it's not like someone's going to accuse her parents of being abusive... We all need to blow of steam sometimes.

I know if I got in trouble for complaining AFTER I do the work, I'd feel pretty hurt myself. I do what I'm told, and I reserve the right to not like doing it.

[Gravekeeper]

That excuse is used, by quite a few people, to oppose any form of discipline at all.

Cept that's not what I said at all. But thanks I guess? I've also never seen anyone say that in opposition to all forms of discipline.

Dad here punished his daughter in an unreasonable fashion for holding a private opinion. What sort of lesson does that teach? Everyone I've known in my life that's had overbearing disciplinary parents dealt with them simply by hiding what they were up to better. Once a child learns that you're unreasonable they're no longer learning lessons from you.

They're learning how to avoid setting you off.

[Amanita]

It sounds like this girl had more chores on her plate than what Knitshoni mentions though- I think I remember something about being expected to put in hours at her parents clinic in addition to her regular chores, homework, and so on. So her complaints about being overloaded might well have had merit, even if she should have framed them a little more diplomatically.

[Greenday]

That excuse is used, by quite a few people, to oppose any form of discipline at all.

This. It comes up EVERY single time there is a thread about punishing kids.

[KnitShoni]

If seeing a rant his daughter posted because she was frustrated is the worst day this guy has had as a father, he should consider himself blessed. There's a lot of fathers out there who would take his troubles any day of the week.

At the same time, if all she has to do is empty the dishwasher, wipe down the counters, make her own bed and do her own laundry, she should have considered herself blessed.

[KnitShoni]

This is the other thing. If you punish a child harshly for something like this, you're not teaching them respect. You're teaching them to hide it better the next time. >.>

That excuse is used, by quite a few people, to oppose any form of discipline at all.

[jackfaire]

I think part of the problem is context. There is a difference between "I am ranting about my parents and I really believe what I am saying" vs "I am ranting about my parents because I am upset and 10 minutes from now it won't matter"

By this guy's theory every time my daughter has gotten mad at me and said she hates me I should ground her or in some other way punish her but honestly at least in the case of my daughter all that would do is turn the "I am pissed off and hate you" into a "no I really do hate you"

[Gravekeeper]

Discipline should be constructive, and it needs to be consistent.

This is the other thing. If you punish a child harshly for something like this, you're not teaching them respect. You're teaching them to hide it better the next time. >.>

[PepperElf]

If seeing a rant his daughter posted because she was frustrated is the worst day this guy has had as a father, he should consider himself blessed. There's a lot of fathers out there who would take his troubles any day of the week.

but i'm betting she'll turn out all the better for it.




this is why i personally believe parents should be aware of what their children do online.

my own nephew was denied a facebook account. he got around it by having a friend make one for him... but sis said no and he had to have the account deleted.


in a way, aside from shooting the computer, his approach wasn't much different than the "kick them out of the garden of eden" approach popularized by John Rosemond.


Although I haven't had children myself, my mother did and he's one of the few child psychologists she agrees with. including the "eden" approach.


The idea is that for very bad behavior (in one example story it was for a child for mocking her younger mentally-challenged sister in front of other students), the punishment lasts one month. If the behavior repeats itself the counter restarts at day one. Even if it's the last day.

The punishment is basically extreme grounding. The child comes home and finds the room is stripped. all they have left is clothes and a bed (well obviously curtains but you get the point). No toys, no books except school books, no computer, no tv.



now the question is... is accusing your parents of abusing you and treating you like a slave - in public - worthy of such a punishment.

considering the ramifications of CPS involvement.... i think the punishment is not overboard

[Amanita]

If seeing a rant his daughter posted because she was frustrated is the worst day this guy has had as a father, he should consider himself blessed. There's a lot of fathers out there who would take his troubles any day of the week.

[PepperElf]

He mentioned it about halfway through.

If she's having problems now, what is she going to do when she has to work full-time for a living, has to pay bills, has to manager her own time, have to clean her own place, have to cook for herself, etc. etc.?

this is what i was thinking of.

i don't remember his exact words of their expectations of her but it was along the lines of getting up on time, doing her school work and chores.



the problem is there ARE some kids out there who are locked in the whole "mommy and daddy ABUSE ME!" dramarama... not because they're actually abused but because they have to do basic chores and can't spend all their time texting and playing.

I mean sure sis and i moaned at chores but some kids take it to extremes these days. like how SCs say "you ruined christmas!" because you didn't have a dumb toy in stock.

overreaction overdramatic.



and hell i can see why he was mad. he just spent over $100 bucks upgrading her laptop, only to have her whine about them in public and block them from seeing it... cos she knew she would get in trouble for what she wrote.


http://www.news.ninemsn.com.au/world...aptop-shooting

but apparently they've reconciled. she's still in trouble but she's taking it well now that the initial drama is over.

[Ree]

Maybe this girl is like my cousin and needs the strict discipline.

That may well be true, Greenday, but in my opinion, what the father did was not discipline.

It was an over the top, vengeful act done for shock value.

Discipline should be constructive, and it needs to be consistent.

As BlaqueKatt has said, we do not have all the facts in this situation.
We only have a small snapshot of a situation in this family's life.
From the father's FB page, (which, BTW, he still has as public, despite his claims that he just wants it all to go away)

You guys caught me on eight and a half minutes of ONE day in my life, probably the worst day in my life as a father.

As I said, I have not watched the video, so perhaps I shouldn't even be commenting.
I refuse to give the video any more fame by viewing it, though, as I know every time a YouTube video gets viewed, it is logged and tracked to gauge popularity.

I have read several "news" articles and blog posts describing what is in the video and quoting the father and daughter.

I think he had a good message, and his intentions were good, but the way he went about sending that message was not a good one.

He claims that it was only meant for the viewing of his FB friends, and his daughter's FB friends, which he estimates was about 500 people, but it went out of control and viral, and became much more of a spectacle than he thought.
The fact remains that he still made the video for viewing by others as a way of humiliating her.

If he didn't want it to get out of hand, he could have simply uploaded the video to his FB page and made it friends only. Better still, don't film it and make it public.
He wanted to embarrass her.

He was pissed off and upset that she was bashing him on the internet, and that's all it was. This is from his FB page.

I was angry, hurt as hell, emotional as can possibly be, and stunned still.

No parent is perfect, and we all just do the best we can. Kids piss us off, but we have to do the best we can not to make the discipline about revenge and venting our anger.
It's not easy.

(While I appreciate all the kind words about my experience as a parent, I admit a lot of the time, I was simply winging it and hoping I didn't damage any of the kids emotionally too badly. To answer the question, I raised one biological daughter, and in 9 years of foster care, have had 7 teen girls in my care. Every single one of those children was unique, and I had to adapt my parenting for each one. It wasn't easy at one point when I had 2 teen foster children in my home at the same time while my daughter was also in her teens. I got accusations of favoritism and claims that I was treating them differently. Why, yes, as a matter of fact I was, because what worked with one did not work with another.)

I completely understand the frustration of this father, but I think blowing away her computer with a gun was a ridiculous way to make a point.
Even so, if he had done it and kept it between him and his family, I would have had less of an issue with the act.

I have read some of his FB page, and he really does seem like just an average father trying to do the best he can with the skills he has.
He says he raises his children with "old-fashioned" values.
His daughter sounds like a pretty well adjusted young lady and actually quite far from the spoiled pouting brat she seemed to have been made out to be because of the video and his extreme reaction. (He mentions she is in Honors Geometry.)

If all of that is the case, then I really have to wonder about such an extreme reaction to a 15 year old girl whining on FB about having to do chores and demanding to be paid for her work.

Do I think this has damaged her emotionally?
Do I think the father is an insane, gun toting loose cannon who could hurt his family one day?
No. I don't.

I think he is just an average man who made a really, really stupid decision to publicize himself handling a pretty simple parenting problem in a very bad, very extreme manner.

I do not think he deserves the accolades and cult status as a parental hero that he appears to be getting because of this.

[DrFaroohk]

It doesn't matter that it was facebook and she didn't hide it well enough. That's like blaming someone for getting robbed because they didn't hide their keys well enough. Someone who will snoop on a facebook page will also read a diary, check phone messages, etc...

Which is fine in certain areas. You bet your ass I'll be checking up on my kids as they get older. And If I see my daughter's cellphone has texts about scoring some crystal meth, she and I will be having words. If she's got a text about how annoying her fatass dad is, well, tough shit for me huh?

I can sort of see her getting pissed about the cleaning. Why bother having a housekeeper if you're going to make your kids do all the work? Reminds me of my dad teaching me "hard work" as a kid. "Now take this pile of wood, and stack it 3 inches to the left of where it was." So all I learned was that "hard work" is doing the most pointlessly time consuming, back breaking things you can do.

I'd be pissed if we had a cleaning lady, whom we had to pay and thus couldn't afford certain things, yet I was still asked to do HER job all the time.

Some people say it was disrespectful, again I have to disagree here, because most people do not know what respect really means. It does not mean "Do everything you say." It also does not mean "Think you can do no wrong!" Disrespect would be if she said to her dad "Fuck you old man, I aint your slave ho." Her dad eavesdropping on her? That's disrespectful, any way you slice it.

[Greenday]

Are you kidding me? Ree has not only raised her own daughter, but has been a foster parent to many kids (how many now, Ree?)

When it comes to dealing with troubled teenage girls, Ree has more experience than anyone here.

Yea, Ree is probably one of the most experienced, if not THE most experience, parents on the board.

I think what some of us don't realize is that one set of parenting rules doesn't work for all kids. Some kids you can be very relaxed with and don't need tons of boundaries. That worked well for my sister and I. My mom didn't have to set many rules, especially for me, because we nearly never got in trouble. On the other hand, my aunt tried that with my cousin and he's FUBAR. He really needed rules and boundaries and my aunt didn't give them to him. As a result, he kept getting in trouble and never learned about the consequences of his actions.

Maybe this girl is like my cousin and needs the strict discipline.