Oral Sex

[linguist]

I don't agree that oral should be an obligation, or that people not into it should be doomed to a lifetime of being single (returned to the lot).

i don't think that's what ladeeda was saying at all. i think she was saying that, for her, oral is a necessary part of a fulfilling sex life. this is the case for many people, myself included. i've been in a relationship where oral was strictly off the table, and i never felt fully satisfied. after that relationship came to an end, i promised myself that i'd never go through that again, and i have ended relationships in which my partner won't perform oral or does so only grudgingly.

that said, there's nothing wrong with not liking oral, but the burden falls on you to find a partner who feels the same or at the least can be fully satisfied without it. just as it's not fair for a partner to expect you to do something you don't enjoy doing, it's also not fair for you to expect a partner to live a life pretending to be 100% fulfilled while they're getting something they enjoy or feel necessary to be satisfied. such expectations only lead to resentment or temptation in the long run.

[Amanita]

I think the problem with Dan Savage's mandate is that it's just that. A mandate.
I've never heard him say the exact same thing about anal, or any other form of sexual pleasure.

I agree- if there's a sex act you just don't like doing, then you should be up front about it, or if having to have a certain sex act to be fulfilled is a dealbreaker for you, then you should be upfront about that, too. But nobody should be shamed because of their likes or dislikes, and I feel that that's what Dan Savage's mandate comes across as- a shaming to those who don't like giving oral.

[Ladeeda]

His MO is more about being "Good, Giving, and Game". Try to compromise with each others desires, even if they aren't exactly yours. Someone who, say, doesn't care for anal, but isn't traumatized by it, more a "Take it or leave it" should indulge their partner now and again, probably with some sort of kickback (an activity they like that their partner isn't overly fond of).

And if one doesn't provide what the partner needs, especially if it's an easily met desire and there is no horrifying reaction from the first person, don't be surprised if they get that need met elsewhere.

Similarly, if one partner WOULD be horrified or traumatized by providing that activity (perhaps you with oral?), the second partner would be cruel to sulk, insist, and try to pressure that person into it. BUT, they might want to reach a compromise where the one who desires that can get it met elsewhere, with a professional or a hookup, with limitations.

But if one person expects oral, and never reciprocates, that's just messed up.

[PepperElf]

Sex and backrubs - two things I have a hard time telling the giver that they're not doing the best job because I feel like I should be lucky enough to be getting it anyway I shouldn't complain.

personally i have to disagree with that concept.

everyone is different but... i rather *like* getting told what to do when it comes to either one. I mean the whole idea is to give my partner pleasure, so getting feedback on what feels good and what he wants helps me do that. plus, just because one thing worked well one day doesn't mean it'll feel the same way the next.

likewise i've found that it's really helped to give him feedback, say on what's "good", "meh" or " wow".


as for back rubs... one of the things i've considered for us (we haven't done it yet tho) may be something to consider... checking to see if there are any places that offer massage classes for couples.


but no matter what, remember, everyone's body is different. what feels good to one person might not feel good to someone else. Not everyone likes oral. I've known several guys who've said "I prefer penetration", some who don't like giving cos they associate the genitals with urination and don't wanna put a mouth there. I even know one guy who said the best he ever had, the woman shoved a finger up his ass.

Everyone has a different preference. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with that. As long as you're comfortable with your own preferences.

And in my opinion as well, a partner should be someone willing to listen to your preferences as well as listing their own so you can work out a balance, or find something that you both can personally agree on.

[McDreidel09]

"I" statements, bro.

"I really like it when you rub like this."

"I've always wanted to try that."

"I'd be a bit more comfortable if you moved your leg here."

So long as no one acts like a jerk, feedback is fine. Necessary, even.

This. This. This. This. This is extremely important.

Try (if you can) giving your partner oral in the shower, if there is still tp. Another thing you can do is tell her that it is happening and switch brands of tp. I know I would appreciate if someone told me that stuff like that was happening so I could fix the problem.

[KellyHabersham]

BUT, they might want to reach a compromise where the one who desires that can get it met elsewhere, with a professional or a hookup, with limitations.

That's kind of the route I plan to take when/if I ever get into a serious relationship again - because i have sensory issues and a really strong gag reflex, giving oral isn't something I ever intend to do. (but on the other hand, I wouldn't expect to get it)

[blas87]

Kelly, I have a very small mouth and horrid gag reflex......it isn't about how far you can stick it in. Most of the nerve endings aren't on the shaft, they are in the head and tip of the penis.

[Ladeeda]

The hand can compensate for what the mouth can't take. Shoot, they even do that in porn.

[Greenday]

Yea, when giving a blow job, you don't need to shove the dick down your throat. As already mentioned, the most sensitive part is the head. Plus the inside of a cheek kinda feels like the inside of a vagina.

[Mytical]

I am a much bigger fan of giving then receiving, but being a tad on the asexual side..it is also something I can do without at all if that is my partners preference. The old saying goes. "Whatever floats your boat."

[Ree]

I hope this doesn't get flagged as inappropriate...

This is fratching. Why would it be inappropriate?
I've seen stronger topics at CS!

Basically, I'm really starting to not like receiving oral sex.

No offense, but I look through this forum, and I think you are probably the top poster for "Things I Hate" and it's usually really kind of petty shit that the majority of people find pleasurable. I have seriously begun to question if you are ever happy about anything.

Granted, oral sex isn't everyone's cup of tea, and you are entitled to speak up if you genuinely hate giving and receiving it.

The thing is, it doesn't seem to me that you are speaking up to the person who counts - your partner!!!

It's like you feel you were put on this earth to play martyr and suffer and spend your days suffering fools gladly.

We fellow forum members are not the ones you should be venting to about this.

If your sexual experience with your partner is really so dissatisfying and unpleasant to you, then you need to tell her, or risk having things just go sour when she senses you aren't all that into her, and seem almost repulsed by it.

I am sick of always finding TOILET PAPER DOWN THERE! Seriously...can't we do something about this????

Buy better quality TP???

[crashhelmet]

What a lot of you are forgetting is that it's very easy to destroy an ego in the bedroom. What you could intend as a tip to turn good into great, could be taken as an insult or a complaint.

Men and women are both self-conscious about their performance as well as their hygiene down there. I wouldn't mention the toilet paper at all, I'd just switch it. For everything else, be subtle.

I agree with the "I" recommendations. It also never hurts to use a guiding hand if they're doing something wrong or painful.

[Greenday]

Or just don't tell them what they are doing wrong. Tell them what you would like them to do so it doesn't sound bad.

[DrFaroohk]

Yeah but it kinda sucks when you're like "I like it when you do A. Yes, keep making the circular motion, not the up and down." And they keep doing B, with a sideways slant motion, when you specifically asked for A, with circular motion. lol.

So I suck at confrontations. Because frequently people can pull the "you shouldn't have brought this up" card. No matter who's right or wrong, the subject shouldn't have been broached anyway and I sometimes feel like the bad guy.

But when I know someone likes to read through the internet histories, well, anything they "accidently" stumbled across while looking around somewhere they shouldn't, well, it's their own fault. So it's not "my fault" anymore for bringing up something I shouldn't have.

Yeah, stupid, but, well...yeah. I was raised with some rather...questionable...morals and methods of dealing with people.

[DrFaroohk]

The thing is, it doesn't seem to me that you are speaking up to the person who counts - your partner!!!

It's like you feel you were put on this earth to play martyr and suffer and spend your days suffering fools gladly.

We fellow forum members are not the ones you should be venting to about this.

If your sexual experience with your partner is really so dissatisfying and unpleasant to you, then you need to tell her, or risk having things just go sour when she senses you aren't all that into her, and seem almost repulsed by it.

Doesn't that pretty much negate the point of any fratching post at all? After all, why vent to US about some kid getting fingered at a wrestling match? Why complain here about selective insulting, your mom, gun control or the conservative right wingers? There's nothing anyone here can do about it.

And I'm sick of being called a martyr. Does anyone even know what a martyr really is? A big hint - it's not someone who complains a lot. If we're going to get words wrong and make up bullshit, why not call me Dr. Awesome? Huh? That's just as inaccurate and way cooler for my end of things.

A martyr, in case someone still doesn't know, is like this: You've got a gun to your head. You're told that if you don't renounce your belief in Allah, you'll be shot. You gladly take the bullet and keep your faith strong. That's a martyr. It's not someone who complains because WoW is a pain in the ass or his kids drive him nuts or he hates vacations and being bored.